A heart felt letter to Lovers and in particular My Daughter and her Husband...Mon, July 13, 2009 - 2:38 PM
Remember as family we...not just me, and your mother... are, as long as we live, here for you. You Four... are always in our hearts and minds. We don't always do as much as we might like to, so that's why when I was able to help this weekend, I loved doing it. I always wish I could do more.
I have some simple thoughts to share, although not that simple because it's really something we overlook and maybe take for granted because we assume. I've noticed you two have been at odds with one another on a couple of occasions and it is normal for couples to find their boundaries. It reminds me of some of the things Patti and I did not do often enough if not continually. Some are Philosophies that were as true then as they are now. Some are my own personal lessons, beliefs...and yes, opinions.
I am going to ask, you two, a favor... a true sign of respect on both your parts... as well as a demonstration of love, caring, and commitment. When you speak to one another and you're preoccupied with individual concerns of the moment. As Eric was looking for his Redwood Credit Card... and You Sweet Heart were doing your hair, nails, etc...and that is great. I felt you both did not take the time and give each other the respect of facing one another... and talking with each other calmly. Eric was a bit anxious about his card... And I am sure in the back of his mind there was already concern over what little cash flow was at hand... And while you were getting ready to be that vision of beauty he loves, making yourself ready for the day, getting your game day face on... You two chose to communicate over the distance of several rooms and a hallway... not to mention the noise of the hair dryer...etc... (Note; communications through filters, yours or the situations, is never meaningful and as we saw negative) And in turn frustrations came out with let's just say some unpleasant words. And I am most sensitive to this because in fact until almost the end of our marriage, mine with your mother, (with Patti's demands of "I" better like what she likes...which was always there just not always vocalized)... I refrained from using crude language.
So, please remember, and I know it isn't easy sometimes, to put yourself in the other persons place... being respectful enough to put aside things that for the moment seem important... which upon close observation in view of the big picture, they are not. There is nothing more important than open loving communication even if it is agreeing to disagree. These so-called simple little things are the very foundations that live in our hearts when everything else fades... You will remember them...the hurts and the love. The love is, of course, of ultimate importance...but the thousand cuts will forever haunt you. As they do me.
I don't remember being overtly, if ever, mean intentionally to Patti... of course, whatever or however she perceived things they were true for, her. And I have never claimed to be perfect...and never will. This isn't to say I created an issue intentionally. Her perception of things "she" believed as slights was in most case tainted by her past. And you know what I am referring to. This is not meant as a put down, slight and/or a bad thing. It is just the facts. Her resentment, anger, and issues with her parents colored our relationship. And so, I am asking the two of you to really listen to one another. And realize your actions are flavored by your past. Just as my reactions, input, and who I am was influenced by my upbringing. Good and Bad.
When the day arrives that you have a child or children, I am asking, take the time to be loving, and if you have issues, please, till I am gone -- (I don't mean...LOL...Dead; I mean not around) -- Work through them and by all means do not fight openly in front of children. Remember that forgiveness is not a weakness... it really is a strength, a virtue, and sometimes a very a difficult one. Remember, that you love one another and nothing - even if it means going in different directions, either together or separately - is anything less than act of faith, and love.
When your anger is aroused, please take the time to determine what is really going on. What is really the matter? What information is missing is their guilt, manipulation, or some other stress under the surface, is one of us playing the b-lame game? And more importantly, what will we -- together and in love -- do about it? I remember expressing myself about some opinion I had and it incensed Patti. I said nothing rude, mean or sarcastic. Yet she became angry, even livid, if memory serves me well, because it was all about her. I didn't come to this understanding by myself. My psychologist and my communications professor both forwarded this concept. And I was seriously counseled, by both, with my communications professor the last person to do so for assuming it was somehow my fault for expressing an opinion.
Remember, opinions are not cast in stone; they modify with time and age, and are ever evolving. Just as Art, Life, Music, Culture, History, are all evolving opinions as to our past, our present, and our possible futures.
Yoda said it as, "The Future is hard to see always moving it is." And the Sage Turtle of Kung-Fu Panda said it the sweetest... Yesterday is a Past, which is why they call it History, we can not change it we can only learn from it, the Future we can never know because it hasn't happened yet, and it is the Future. Today is a Gift...and that is why… we call it the "Present."
It has been said many times many ways... The Scottish Proverb says: Enjoy Your Life, for you will be... a long time dead. The Early Greek Philosopher said: Eat, Drink, and be Merry, for tomorrow... you may die. I have heard other cultures say the same thing in their own wonderful ways. One of the most intriguing and profoundly simple proverbs I have heard is this Chinese Proverb... There is Your Truth, There is My Truth, and then there is The Truth. So somewhere between your perceptions and someone else's lies the reality. Remember..."It is not the Destination...It is the Journey." Randy would say your glass is either half empty or half full... I say it is up to you to decide. Happiness is a decision. I always knew that...and I am pleased to find that feeling is considered true. And not only by me.
So my favor is for you to create time to speak pleasantly to one another, ask forgiveness when it is hard or you don't totally succeed, don't be belligerent in front of children be they yours or someone else's, be honest and big enough to admit when you have been wrong to one another. Always speak your truth, even if you feel hurt because, in reality, we can only let someone hurt us and we only hurt ourselves with not being honest with each other. LOL... Like "I Love, You...Just not Today." I am having issues, I trust in your forgiving heart.
Don't beat yourself up or others if you don't always achieve a lofty goal set for some day... It is unrealistic to believe you or others will be 100% every day. And goals, like destinations, are not always what we think, as goals can be deceptive... as the un-aimed Arrow never misses. Do not buy into idle gossip...or spread it. When you say you are going to do something, do it. Give it your all. Never make a promise... as promises can be affected in ways you never imagined and you put undo strain on yourself or others needlessly... Say I will do better... because better and better is all that we do.
So, in the aftermath of a Wonderful Father's Day weekend with you, I ponder only your happiness... in love forever...Eric and Eren.
I think you my daughter are a fabulous woman, person, and someday Mother. Eric I think was sent from above to you... there's no finer friend, love, and someday father, that I could have imagined. And I have Great Respect, for you Eric, because I and know how much you love Eren. You are a fine and great man... a Renaissance Man. And you, Eren my dear daughter, are an Amalgam... The Goddess, Mother, and Woman... Remember, as I am sure you do... “Well Behaved Women rarely make History.” And while I don't expect you to change history, I expect you to be more, for You can be No Less...
I Love You Both, and if You screw this, your precious love for each other, up I will cut out both your hearts and beat on them from time to time...
Because it would be sad if this doesn't work… and Work, it is. I will still love you both and I will also accept that if you believe you have given it your all... And then find yourselves needing to go your separate ways... I will accept that as well. I can't make it easy...as I wish I could... together or separate; it can be hard and can only get harder the older and longer you are together without open communication... and acceptance. Acceptance to forgive and understand the whole person you love is key. So if you are committed, then be so...
Please do not get to a point of no return... if you are committed, then discuss your relationship, maybe even develop an Exit Plan so you can always live equally in the moment knowing that it is your Love keeping you together... and that as trite as it may sound, sometimes we must let go for the betterment of all that which we or whom we have loved. Otherwise, without such, it could all go away... speaking from my keen observation and obviously still painful remembrances aka experiences...
Simple Truisms as prognostications of some things seam and sometimes stated, upon real examination, to be the most difficult of things to do.
Don Juan Generio, the Yaqui Indian Shaman, speaking to one of his greatest pupils, Carlos Castaneda, said, to really understand the world…one must make “Death” his Ali… Said in the light of deeper understanding what Don Juan meant was that to truly live in everyone one of your moments, in this plain of existence, and indeed to truly love… you must understand death or the loss of something you love… and until You can, you will never truly live. For these are the moments of you lives...love them, enjoy them, good and bad, for they come this way only once in this life.
Respectfully, lovingly, and honestly...from your loving father…and loving friend
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heartRed, You are a REAL father ,long may your heart beat as it does, for it is truly in the right place xxxxrobbi
Rob...My Friend...Thank You so much. They have a lot of living to do...and are a great couple. But I found out that they had been seeing a Marriage Counselor before they bought that! 400K fixer upper...LOL...darn Kids. Any way I was concerned because they now can't afford to go. I think they can't afford not to, but then that is my wisdom and their lack of deeper knowledge. I think for the most part they get on really well. But Eren's temperament at times is exactly that of her mothers and one I had hoped my hanging around for as long as I did I would delude its affects. And to a certain extent my doing so did and has, but only the long haul will tell. And I think marriage has changed with the times and not necessarily for the bad. There is no real reason to be miserable...children or not . That fact however in the wrong hands can be an easy out..and a evil weapon. So I hoped as I told them when presenting this letter open and read when the going gets tough.
"Remember that forgiveness is not a weakness" Is a lesson often learned to late to be of any good...
You are a loving father, wise Sage and a "Gift"...
Lessons Learned... Some Harder than Others...Hey Scott,
Thank You. But I paid dearly for that... Though I knew that basically long before the bill came due. And forgiveness or Not the Ex is still a curious Question. She has ingratiated herself back into the family. Which is fine...great... As I mentioned She divorced them before me. But we all have to walk on egg shells as it turned out. I got the impression it was only me...LOL... But found out all were like "God what if we say the wrong thing... Will she go off the deep end again?" I never hated her for the divorce because I realized where the problems were...not just me... and what ever issues I had that affected us. I never stopped loving her as a fine person with just real issues... I still love her but platonic. It could never be the same and I have told her on a number of occasions I have nothing for her but Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams, I don't need her forgiveness. I only need to forgive myself. And the same applies to her or You as I said.
The Hand I PlayHowever and whatever becomes of the Rest of My Days...is the Hand I will be Playing and If I am lucky I will find someone again. If not then so be it. Aurelia is a wonderful person and I have deep feelings for her. But Sigh~Bore Space verses reality in the flesh so speak is another mater in and of itself. We may never have a personal in your face relationship. But I am at least Boyd by the wonder that women are and have become. Now that the Blinders and Straight Jacket are gone. I had developed a pretty narrow view given 35 yrs with the same person.