refflections of a river spirit

I am Seeking a Lover

refflection — Sun, 31 May 2009 07:11:02 GMT

After 2.5 years of not having, what I would call, a "sex life", I've decided that the waiting needs to end. I have a powerful libido that has not been satisfied since the birth of my daughter, and I am feeling sexually starved and unhealthy in this area. I am making more and more room for myself in my life, and this part of me is now staring me square in the eye saying "I'm hungry - feed me". I seek a male lover, earth or water sign, age 27-38, 5'2 - 5'10, medium build - warm, comforting, stable. I wish to explore the wonders of tantra with this person, taking ourselves to the highest level of ecstasy we can possibly achieve. The purpose of the relationship would be primarily sexual/sensual, however I am not someone who can have sex without a heart connection. I'm not in a place in my life to conjure a primary monogamous relationship, though this is usually what I'm seeking. For the moment, and probably for the next year or so, I simply want to connect with a soul with whom to build a loving friendship, and exercise our animal instincts together. Thanks for listening. May it be.

My First Ghost Experience

refflection — Sat, 23 May 2009 07:10:07 GMT

I've been hearing knocking coming from behind a wall that belongs to a neighbor ever since we moved here. She's a little odd and has a history of depression, so we just brushed it off. Last week at 11pm I suddenly heard the knocking coming from the opposite wall, where there is an empty apartment - foreclosed since December. It didn't sound mechanical or like pipes or trees hitting a window, it was definitely human. I ignored it, ignored it, ignored it... Then I started to put two and two together, and remembered also that a couple months ago I heard the staircase railing rattle when no one was home. I figured it must be a ghost - not that I necessarily believe in them, but there was no other explanation that I could think of. Conveniently this happened before going to bed, so the thoughts began swirling over and over in my head until I was thoroughly freaked out. I told my parents about this the next day, sought expert advice online and asked a friend who is a ghost expert. All arrows pointed to, let us know if the sound comes back. When I told my parents they basically called ghost stories hogwash. In my mind I thought, "If I was a ghost and heard those words, I would leave". And so, I didn't hear any knocking at all for over a week. It seemed to me that if it was a ghost, its feeling were hurt and it didn't want to communicate anymore. Meanwhile, all week long I've been hearing sounds and seeing things that aren't there, rushing off to my bedroom after I'd turned out the lights. I could swear I "felt" a presence in the room. A week later, the knocking came back around the same time, 11pm. It was definitely human. I wasn't going to just take it and be freaked out all by myself. I woke up my parents, who both startled out of their sleep, hyperventilating (this is why I don't usually bother them with anything real). They could hear the sound, and I was happy that I wasn't going crazy. We walked around, listening - it sounded like it came from different places at the same time. But it was definitely coming from the empty apartment. Knock, knock, knock. Slower, faster - definitely human. My dad knocked on the wall, it knocked back. We walked around shining a flashlight in the windows, nothing was there. I couldn't take it and called the police. They came quite quickly, and asked us a few questions. My mother looked like she had turned into a ghost by this point, her face red and startled - I doubt she made the cops feel comfortable. They looked like they didn't believe us at all. Then they heard the sound. Knock, knock, knock, knock. It sounded like it came from the second floor window of the empty apartment. "There it is..." said one cop. "Yeah, what was that?" said the other. Then they swiftly moved away from the house and said "We gotta go, we have a domestic - if you hear anything else, give us a call." We stood there staring at the empty doorway. Did the cops just get scared and run away? we thought. Sure seemed like it. "We're on our own" my dad said, and we giggled anxiously. The knocking continued, every few minutes. "That's it, let's get to the bottom of this" I said. "Maybe we should break and enter?" "We don't have that jurisdiction" my dad said. "Well the cops do, and they just left us" I replied. So we spread out a little and walked further from the apartment. Meanwhile my mother is walking around half-clad in the freezing wind, while my dad scolds her to put on her robe, then her sweater, then her shoes. She's red-faced and scared more than me at this point. We hear something - Bang, bang, bang. Sounded like a wrench. "Uhhh, I think that's Charlie, the neighbor one more door down" my dad said. We got closer. Bang, bang, bang. Pretty late for someone to be hammering metal, don't you think? We knocked on his door, and after a few minutes he finally opened it, only to find 3 scared neighbors on his doorstep. "Charlie, did you hear some knocking coming from next door?" "Oh that's me, I'm working on some grommets." Holy shit, our looks indicate as we look at each other and breath a sigh of relief. "Oh could you hear that? I didn't realize the sound traveled that far." "Yeah, we could definitely hear you - it sounded like a very polite ghost knocking on our wall, trying to get our attention." He found this amusing and proceeded to tell us his own "real" ghost story. We went home after and had a good laugh. I felt like I just stepped into a real life Scooby Doo cartoon. Classic.

what i'm getting out of Ecstatic Dance, and a note on Polyamory

refflection — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:34:20 GMT

yesterday was a freaking amazing day, and i thank all my companions deeply for making it so. it's been a good 2.5 or more years since i've just hung out with friends (without baby), with no particular goal in mind. after dance we went to the usual picnic at lake merritt, and then took off to the city. the traffic was BAD yesterday, probably due to it being the first really warm day. but no matter, we had great people in my little car (5 at one point!) and lots of stimulating conversation. not to mention a couple of shroomers, which make everything more fun 8) we ended up at baker's beach, which was incredibly healing. i haven't gotten to the beach since i moved here; it's just a little too far to make it a habit. we swam naked in the cold ocean with a gorgeous view of Golden Gate Bridge and the horizon of the Pacific Ocean in front of us. certainly there were thousands of people on the beach, but this made it only better since half of them were naked as well. it's been a while since i've felt so free. somehow i have this tendency to always do the responsible thing, and simply having a good time happens on a rare occasion. i've met all kinds of people through Dance, some that are like me but also some that have freedom written into their very DNA. they float around life without a care, and when difficulty arises they cut through it like a bird through the air. i'm taking some lessons from these beautiful souls, and feel myself healing when i'm around them. yesterday in particular, i was very aware of just how much baggage i had been carrying that week. it was the first time i came to the entire session of dance; i could feel after the halfway mark that i still had lots to unload. i give gratitude that i have this outlet during this transition in my life. the universe is a kinky lover, and likes to inflict pain on its subjects - but you know it's always done with love. i've had a tough time since i've moved here, but i found ecstatic dance 2 weeks after i got here. it's been the only real "open door" that i've gotten, so obviously where i need to go next in my life lies within this community. a note on polyamory. this is definitely a poly group, so i'm being gently encouraged (and a little shoved) to clearly define myself as to where i stand on being poly. where you are with polyamory is as much a sexual preference as orientation. some people are straight, gay, or somewhere in between (most people, i truly believe) - the same way some people are monogamous, totally poly, or somewhere in between. i know that i will always want to occasionally experiment with new lovers. no question. and right now especially, i have no room or ability in my life to extend anything more than being a lover and being great friends to boot. i have a lot of personal growth to do before i can be someone's partner again, and even before i can attract someone with that energy. that being said, i am very much a homebody, and my initial instinct if i fall for someone is to spend all my time with them and start to "make house". when i commit to a primary, that commitment is completely solid and they have absolutely nothing to worry about in regards to my loyalty or fidelity. i will always be open to playing with others, so long as it's done along with my partner (not always necessarily at the same time, but knowing that we're both involved with the same person somehow makes it ok). i am in no way ok with having outside relationships. i have a jealousy response to being excluded from such an intimate part of my partner's life, and i don't feel like i need to make excuses for it or try to tone it down. it turns me off and makes me angry, period. just like some men respond to other men trying to kiss them. just doesn't fly for me. i've heard a few people in the poly community try to justify their partners having outside relationships by saying it's more evolved, and that they themselves want to be learn to be okay with it because that's a better way to be. but i totally disagree. each of us has to define our own sexual preferences, which includes level of polyamory, and we better be on the same page as our primary partners. i love you all and know that everyone has their own process to go through, and defining myself this way is currently where i am. i'm not putting anyone down just pointing out that we need to be honest with ourselves without judgment. i want people to feel happy in their partnerships, and encourage them to find that happiness that stems from within, from total inner truth. it feel good to feel so light! hence why i'm up so early today :) love, love, love!

who is this artist???

refflection — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 05:41:56 GMT

i suddenly realized that one of this person's works would be perfect for my next school project, but i don't frickin' know his name so i can't look him up! someone please come to my rescue thank you :) love

high (on) art

refflection — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 03:00:23 GMT

today i spent the day looking at artwork, paying attention to color, light, shadow, and atmosphere. as i flew threw the bay area on bart i began to notice these concepts in everything i saw, and increasingly felt a sense of beauty take over like never before. everything sparkled, as though i was seeing the world for the first time. coupled with a good dose of hallucinogen dub stepping in my ears, i built to this elated ecstasy that left me high, high, high. i closed my eyes and could see my own energy completely connected to the furthest reaches of the universe. waves upon waves of color and light, my own will infusing the very existence of all things. i could see the life in everything, feel it breathing. swaying trees sent my head spinning and my eyes rolled back in my head. green hills lit with the orange light of sunset never looked so profound. i noticed every highlight on every lamp post, every cool shadow behind every warmly lit house and tree. every now and then, i find myself at this precipice where i can see and feel and connect to all things, having attained it through my own spiritual growth - this time through art. no LSD involved, though if you were to look at me you could swear i was tripping. good times.

overload

refflection — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 07:05:47 GMT

so i overdid it. i don't know exactly what happened but i started having anxiety attacks again last week, and it seems that whenever i do something even remotely stressful my whole body becomes incredibly exhausted and anxious. so i've been trying to take a break this week and have switched one of my classes to be online, but i know that i should probably just drop out but can't seem to bring myself to do this. something to be thankful for at the moment, however, the film "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" (hadn't seen it till now) - reminding us that gooey love stories are still always the best medicine; and a sparkling album by Ulrich Shnauss called "Far Away Trains Passing By". That's the trick to anxiety and panic. Just keep focusing on the things that make you purely happy. Namaste.

Feeling Anger; and The Essence of Me

refflection — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 06:49:07 GMT

My life has been moving at an increased pace lately. Flowing with the rhythm of city folk certainly raises my blood pressure a bit. Everything has to be quick in order to stay on top. I could just take my time getting from bus to bart to bus, but then I'd be late for every class and barely get to see Gaia at all. So everything has become a little more tense. Maybe that has something to do with the emotions I've been feeling, as well. There's been a lot of anger in me in the last couple of weeks. Old thoughts have resurfaced and I've been reliving old pains. I keep trying to figure out how to process them so that I don't bury them and eventually have to come back to them. Needless to say, a lot of them have to do with my former 9 year relationship. I always felt like the only way to really settle those feelings is to work it out with the person involved. But what if you can't, for whatever reason? How to process it then? Perhaps allowing yourself to go back to those memories and to feel everything there is to feel about them is actually healthy. So maybe feeling angry is a healthy emotion right now. Another wave was triggered the other day when a friend (though in retrospect I don't see how friends can say these things to each other) told me he really disagrees with my parenting, is uncomfortable about the fact that I still breastfeed, and in general feels that I make "bad choices" in my life. This person has many issues, and I've always been forgiving and understanding of his instabilities. But to go to such an extent as to make a friend (who happens to be a single mother going through a huge shift in her life) feel like everything she's doing is useless and wrong, just made me feel like lashing out in serious fury. Of course I only did this to myself and not to him. But again the feeling of anger is reinforced. Still, I think it is a valid and useful emotion, despite what some might say. It is tied with the colors red and orange, colors that are also associated with passion and excitement. These feeling are also being awoken, and I can see myself drawing others to me with that force. I can see passion is not far off. I am almost ripe enough 8) On a slightly different subject, but still relating to the idea of colors, I see myself as a spectrum. A complete cycle of colors where each represents a different way to look at the same thing. I've been involved in music, computers, environmentalism, science, art and soon cooking and permaculture. All of these things are parts of a whole, and to me it only makes sense to learn about the world from this perspective. Or rather, a little bit from all perspectives. Today in my drawing class I attempted to explain to my teacher why I'm concerned that the photographs of my setup may differ from my drawing because one was cropped, and the other was taken with the zoom lens. He said "I don't know enough about photography to understand what you're saying". A great teacher and an excellent artist, and yet he doesn't know enough about a subject taught right next door to understand the very basics. This is the very reason why I seemingly jump around learning different things, even though in this society we're encouraged to only learn one thing. Stone Brusca (the great Astrophysics teacher at HSU) once said to me, "A pianist doesn't need to know how the piano works in order to be a great pianist". But I disagree! He absolutely DOES need to know how it works! Because being good at something only stems so far. In order to truly be great you must understand all that surrounds that which you are doing. This is why "Lord of the Rings" is such a fantastic novel, because there is a whole world - a real world - that has been created in detail to support the story. I don't know many people who do things this way, but I sure would like to. My desire is to live a long life, and by the end of it to feel like I covered as many bases of this universe as I could. After all, I only have one life to live with this brain, and this is my only chance to understand the world through these eyes.

An old poem, one I can resonate with right now

refflection — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 04:26:24 GMT

Goodbye lonely evenings full of shimmering white stars and purple sunsets glistening still leaving me to cry. Wet roses in the springtime and gracious butterflies fluttering; They all seemed sadder, once - because I am alone. But within solitude I begin to find myself; I make the sky my friend and the wind my lover. One is never alone as long as one has himself; Love comes from within - You must love yourself before others. So now a quiet raindrop becomes a soothing bell like the ringing of a church far away in a valley. As I walk along a lake, The breeze caressing my body, I feel whole - I am my best friend. 11/21/98

Return North

refflection — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 04:25:42 GMT

What a fucking TRIP it's been to be back in Arcata. It's amusing to notice how much I've already changed in a couple months, and how I fit back into the picture in this little town. Life is so hectic in the city, it's difficult to carry out the simplest tasks like food shopping - especially with a little one. But that reality creates a sort of passion, for some people; it exercises our ability to be efficient, and makes us active people. Coming back here, I felt myself thriving having brought that energy with me. I got more done in a single day than I have since before Gaia was done. I've been going to Ecstatic Dance in the east bay, which has been a necessary backbone for me - a source of connection, movement, and inspiration for deepening my yoga practice. A couple weeks ago the person leading us through invocation spoke about seeing the inner light in all people, no matter how difficult it may be. We all share this light. Being in Arcata, I am reminded on how easy it is to see almost everyone's light here. People just shine naturally here, radiating the peacefulness of the trees and the community love that is so prevalent. This isn't the place for me to be, right now. I have been spreading my wings in the bay and am so excited to see where my inspirations take me. I may come back in a year or two, who knows. I am certain I will come back to a small town life at some point. Right now I am simply grateful to have the opportunity to see how far I've come in just a couple of months, on a spiritual and physical level. I don't feel stale, anymore. I feel like I've been getting the much needed watering I've lacked for years. Much love to all my friends up North. PS Jennifer's memorial was beautiful, I am glad to have been a part of it. The setting in the country with the sun shimmering over the green fields was breathtaking. I'll never forget it. I think we did right by you, Jen.

Today, my daughter drew some dots on a piece of paper...

refflection — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 07:09:53 GMT

...and then said "stars!" Who knew that a naked afternoon at a motel room in Vegas could turn into a human being. This experience called "life" never ceases to amaze me.

last minute meditations

refflection — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 06:23:29 GMT

this has been a year of transformations, of closing old books and starting new ones; i've learned to listen to my heart and to follow inspiration. the past two weeks have been very revealing, i've discovered so much about myself. losing a friend has put me in a state of honoring the moment, savoring each bit of my day. gratitude for... my daughter, who is the shining light of my life. i surrender completely to being mother; it is my entire focus now. my parents - thought they often do not understand me, i know that they are there for me. my sexuality, which is becoming ever more spiritual to me, despite (or perhaps in spite of) lack of partners. realizing how important every moment is, that to follow love and inspiration is to live in bliss. oaths... to focus on chakra alignment, and remember to give myself time to meditate and resonate. establish a regular yoga practice. figure out a school to work situation, this one keeps eluding me. what do i truly want to do with my life? reach out to people with limitless love, without expectation or disappointment. put to rest coveting and jealousy, these are emotions that poison the heart. if felt, simply remove oneself from the situation. welcome 2009, year of new pathways and discoveries. reaching the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

Be in peace, Jennifer (written 12/27/08)

refflection — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 03:40:37 GMT

This is the first time I've lost someone close to me, someone I can say I loved, someone whose deeper thoughts I knew. Jennifer and I were still only getting to know each other, but I felt like we connected on a level that is difficult to attain with most people. On the eve of Christmas day, she left her kids with her mother in Martinez and began driving home to Humboldt to have some time to herself, and get ready for grad school. The weather was rainy and sleeting, but despite requests from friends to not drive she was determined to get home and have some peace. She never made it. Somewhere near the junction of 1 and 101 she spun out, onto the southbound lane, and was hit by an SUV on the driver's side door. She died on impact, or so they say. I wonder how many seconds she had, if she had even a single breath to realize what was happening. I hope she didn't suffer, but it is horrifying for me to think what needs to happen in order for a person to die instantly. I am lucky that I didn't receive the news until last night; I could have learned of it earlier but my internet wouldn't work that morning. I was able to have an expansive, happy day, and attend an incredibly opening and centering yoga session. I believe that my mind and body digested the news swiftly and completely because I was so open and vibrating. It went right through me like rain. There was shock and shaking, and a few minutes later uncontrollable crying. I sat and hugged my mother and thought of how lucky I am to have her, and how much I mourn for Sage that she has lost her mother just as she is entering womanhood. Then I was quiet, and have been since. I saw Jen's family today, Steven and I both came to be with them. I was happy to learn that she had so many family members, and I feel like the kids will be alright, or as good as they can be in this situation. She taught me a lot, and I am lucky to have been her friend for the short period of time that I did. I knew about her for years before meeting her. She brought me balloons and movies on my birthday when I was sick, and was always there to listen when I needed it. I felt like her life was just starting, but little are we aware that this is the only moment that exists. You never know when your story will come to an end. Jennifer, I don't know if there is any way that you can pick up on our energy - it's probably too simplistic to say your spirit floats among us. But I felt your energy spread out into the world and take shape in me and in Gaia, I felt like you became part of everything again. You simply changed form, you have not gone. I'm so sorry that it had to happen so soon, and we will do everything to take care of your kids and put their life in order. But I have to believe that there is reason for all things. I will always love you.

unraveling

refflection — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 06:49:18 GMT

the knots are untying, the ribbons starting to flow freely. going back to my roots, i am learning more and more where my hangups stem from and how to work through them. it is clear that my mind has been overworked in my life, yet my heart and body were never given the proper development. but i have been receiving the message that it is never too late to start. i've decided to deepen my yoga practice, it has been calling to me. being here in the bay has given me so many options for a studio that suddenly i find myself inspired to try things i never knew about before. cooking remains on the top list of things to focus on. rewatching "queer as folk", thanks to ryan - the best gift i've ever received. all my life i've wanted for someone to pick up on who i am and gift me with something that truly resonates with me. thank you, friend, for finally answering that call. it's a great show for many reasons. forget the few acting/directing quirks... what i really appreciate is the relationships between the characters. that in spite of primal desire, ego, jaded-ness - that love still conquers all. love between friends, family, and love that doesn't fit in any particular category. watching the series has once again reminded me of my own orientation - i am bisexual. truly, fully, completely. i love men and women for different reasons, but i do love them both. and any partner in my life is going to have to be bisexual as well, there's just no two ways around this one. it shaves my options down even more, what with having to partner with a single mom who pretty much doesn't fit in any category of the world... but somehow i still believe that love will find me. when i am ready. i can see the misalignment within me. and the lack of discipline, as well as the lack of spontaneity. two opposing forces, to be sure, but equally important. i'm always just a little too afraid. too afraid to commit, too afraid to break a commitment when i know that it isn't right for me. but when my chakras are singing, i know that this will no longer be the case. i will know when to use my head, and when to use my heart. it will be simple and effortless. PS why is it that there is absolutely nothing in the world that turns me on like two good looking men going at it? my god.

love

refflection — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:12:42 GMT

i'll keep this short, so as to keep true to the feeling. tonight i had a powerful vision. i simply stopped, and went inside myself - something i have somehow avoided for too long. and it was clear as day to me, that my heart has been shut down. my heart chakra, my emotional center, has been withered and withdrawn - still pained by things in my past. those that know me remember exactly what i mean. i saw my heart as a withered rose, its pot too small, its roots too short to reach the nearby underground stream of water. so i transformed this vision. i repotted my rose, and gave it water, and it became green and alive again. small, and still withdrawn, but with the potential to grow and become a full beautiful rose once again. i am shutting off my mind now, because i feel it is overfull and my other chakras need nurturing. on my holiday wishlist are the following stones, they are heart chakra openers: Charoite, Chrysophrase, Green Aventurine, Harlequin Quartz my wish for the new year is for my heart to be able to feel love fully once again. Namaste.

speaking of magic...

refflection — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 06:58:06 GMT

what is it? falling in love in a dream traveling to worlds unknown learning about quantum physics watching the stars waking to find a riddle for you to solve, carefully laid out by your lover reading a book listening to a piece of music that brings to back to childhood catching a scent and recalling a feeling orgasms birth cooking a meal from vegetables you grew yourself watching your child learn to walk, talk and show love realizing that this life is the only one you will ever have

still stressed out

refflection — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 06:01:48 GMT

my parents are stressing the fuck out of me; they don't seem to understand just how much i'm going through. some days they insist on asking a million questions about everything. then we argue about religion from a completely idiotic standpoint and for no real reason. today they ganged up on me because i haven't called my brother back. maybe if i had a chance to fucking BREATH then i could clear my head and actually have something to say to him. i don't know why my life has been so hard lately. i thought things would be easier down here but i feel like my stress level has only increased, and all the traffic and crazy numbers of people aren't helping any. but i don't know where to go, i feel so lost... i don't have money for my own place, nor the state of mind to make any extra money. i feel like my instincts have shut off and i don't have a compass to follow. i just need a few minutes a day to myself to center myself... but such things are a luxury for a mother, especially a single one. *sigh*

Temporarily Grounded, and watching Gaia Evolve

refflection — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 05:12:58 GMT

Thank you to all who have provided me with positive energy in this move, I probably wouldn't have been able to do it without your encouragement. I heard the phrase "you will be missed in this community" so many times last weekend that it made me truly feel like I have a home to come back to whenever I want. But those of you who truly know my situation have been encouraging this change for a long time, and I thank you so much for your support. I am living with my parents, I packed well enough that I have already unpacked (mostly) and have a complete room to myself, small as it is. There are ups and downs, for sure, but it feels right to be here in this moment. My parents are older than I remember, and they aren't as sharp about things as they once were, but we have a balance of sorts happening at the moment so it's not completely unbearable. Besides, I'm completely broke (I have $8!) so I don't really have a choice 8) If anyone hears of anything opening, please let me know. Gaia's development is wizzing by. Here is a list of words and signs that she says on a regular basis: kitty doggy fishy mama (sorta - sounds more like baba) dada shoes socks shirt pants hair head ear eyes (this is a BIG one! she repeats it over and over) teeth pssss (to indicate peeing) shhhh (with finger to her lips) potty (with making the sign) slide "ma-nee" (for some reason this means strawberry) nana (banana - she FINALLY asked me for a food by name 2 days ago! it was amazing watching her face think about it) soup-ee (she likes to add "ee" to the end of words") hot (whispering) oo-oo (while making the "monkey" sign) and today she astonished me by saying "ma-na" over and over again - this means MOON! she's obsessed with it, wanting to see it over and over again. and she does the sign with it too! she copies our gestures all the time; she understands where things come from, she has a memory of where we put just about everything. when did i inherit this little person?!

Seeking Bay Area Sanctuary

refflection — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 05:02:50 GMT

Hello tribers :) I am really trying to move forward with my life, and find a new home to land into with both feet planted sturdily for a while. Reposting my listing as a blog below, please forward to anyone who might know of a place for rent... ******** Aloha! I am manifesting Bay Area housing for myself (age 26) and my little one (almost 2). I have been living with her father in Arcata for 5 years, but am ready to move out on my own and go back home. I am currently a web designer (shantistudios.com), but will be going to Bauman College to become a Natural Chef. I am also a doula and will eventually study to become a midwife and herbalist. But for now, one foot in front of the other... I compost, grow food, recycle, and buy local & organic groceries as much as possible. I am health and earth-conscious, and honor my home as it is my temple. These are the things I'm looking for in a home: * Separate unit - either cottage or in-law * 1 or 2 bedroom * Sunny * Spacious feel, not cramped * Hardwood Floors * Full kitchen w/ a Gas stove * Bathtub * Washer/Dryer in the unit * Fenced yard big enough for a small play-structure and garden * Tree-decorated scenery - a meadow in a forest, or just a tree-lined street * 5 minutes drive to nearest health food store * Near a park with a playground * Within 1 hour drive to Berkeley (where my school is) * Either kitty- or dog-friendly (no need for both) * $1100/month or less I can also offer these skills to trade: Childcare, Housework, Yardwork, Cooking, Web Design, Computer Help, Business Counseling So far I've come up with these locations as compatible, if you know of others please let me know: Berkeley Hills, Oakland Hills, West Marin I am not in a rush, but would like to find something by February. If I don't, I'll be moving in with my parents until I do. Peace and Blessings, Masha & Gaia

i think i just realized something

refflection — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 05:07:53 GMT

my current sickness and fatigue started on sept. 17, just 2 days after gaia cut her first molar - and cut 3 more in the subsequent week. since that time, there has been nothing but tantrums and constant nursing. not to mention mercury was in retrograde. and today, suddenly, a shiny little angel popped out again and she's been (almost) nothing but sweet. and guess what? today i feel less sick, with more energy, and more inspiration. plus this is an Aries full moon and i'm taking active steps to move my life forward. it's so fascinating how things line up sometimes. ahh it feels so good to be less cynical :p

frustrated with western medicine

refflection — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:46:28 GMT

so i just got back from my annual visit, which is supposed to be important. i explained all that has been going on with me lately, and all the doctor could offer was an occasional "hmm" and "would you like me to prescribe any medications for your depression". arrgh! is there more than just the protocol-ridden hospital, and yet some method that isn't just based on metaphysics? there's got to be a happy medium. anyone know of a holistic health center that is fully educated in western medicine (they didn't even know what i was talking about when i asked regarding different brands of vaccines), and yet has a more evolutionary medicine approach to their practice? i'd like someone to ask me about everything i'm eating and analyze it for sluggishness; i'd like them to ask me when i have time to stretch and meditate, and help me make a plan of action to ease my fatigue. anyone have suggestions?

Shortbus

refflection — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:14:04 GMT

has anyone seen this film? i saw the previews way long ago but didn't find it in the rental store till this week. it deeply touched me in so many ways; i haven't seen a good film like this in a long time. i think that it would be hard for someone to really identify with it if they had never been part of such a lifestyle, but i think that all the Club Risque folks out there can really draw something profound from it. it reminded me what it's like to be loved and to love, and how long it's been since i've really felt that. and i remembered how easy it is to feel these feelings in such an environment - people lay their hearts out for all to see. i miss that. i suppose burning man is similar in this way as well. everyone is just offering love. somehow i have been missing this little piece for a really long time. or at least it feels that way.

musings

refflection — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 06:58:35 GMT

i just feel like writing right now. there's so much happening, so many things swirling in and around me, i feel like i never have enough time for anything. it is especially difficult when i take time to do something for someone that they don't recognize or appreciate. i have so little time for myself, only but minutes a day. so when i work, it is really a sacrifice. i've had a couple run-ins recently with people feeling like i work too slow or not at all, but in truth they have no idea how much i'm working. there are so many "shoulds" that i impose upon myself, and more from others - i really need to keep those in check to keep my sanity. sometimes i just need to read a book or take a walk instead of taking care of responsibilities. choices stand before me. i could move to the bay area now and salvage what little summer there is left this year, since arcata seems to have been permanently robbed of one. i could stay here and try to save up money, giving myself opportunity to find something really nice and buy a car. i could move in with my parents and get to live in the bay and save money, but they would drive me nuts after a week. i found myself getting greedy the other day, pondering having a job that pays 3k/month and being able to afford a nice car and apartment; then i went to the river and all that blasted away as i remembered exactly WHAT is the highest point of my enlightenment. finding rhythm with mama earth. i feel so detached from the planet, like i've been robbed of the ability to live naturally. animals must have such incredible instincts and telekinetic abilities that we lost long ago in our quest for living "easier". so then i think about continuing my search for a commune, though it would be entering yet another partnership with others without having EVER had the opportunity to just BE ME on my own. GAH! what do i do?! i am grateful for the return of rain. if we're going to have grey weather i'd much prefer that it is raining. i feel more relaxed today. and the reassurance of so many wonderful lady friends at ladies' night is always so incredibly helpful :)

Website Mistress for Hire :)

refflection — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 07:19:53 GMT

Hey beauties! I finally sat down and added some snazzyness to my site, as well as a couple new portfolio pieces. I'm looking for socially- responsible work (that is, no fast food chains or any of that nonesense). If you or someone you know is doing something amazing, and you want an elegant website to put forth your intentions through telecommunications, please let me know! http://shantistudios.com Love and light, Masha

epiphanies

refflection — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 06:26:03 GMT

it's getting more intense. the vibrations are really starting to pick up harmony. just today i had a moment of pure clarity, of true happiness - it was so obvious that every moment is THE moment and that beauty and adventure make up every little bit of life. i don't know how long i'm here for, so why wait another nanosecond to be happy, to enjoy life? it is all in the perception. i am so glad that i've reached these conclusions through my own labors. no drugs have assisted this change, only diving fully into life's challenges and celebrations. the word "macrobiotic" keeps popping up today. this must be where i need to focus my food-centered energy. indigo, crystal and rainbow kids are also playing at the corners of my peripheral vision. i think gaia is a rainbow, and i must be an indigo. i am done with western society.

an unexpected journey

refflection — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 05:44:55 GMT

Gaia and i went up to Mystic Garden Party in ashland the weekend before last, and i expected to be drawn in like i usually am at these kinds of things. the plan was to camp that week and then head up to faerieworlds in eugene, but the vibe at MGP was so mixed that i didn't feel connected. i abandoned my expectations and decided to go where the wind would take me. as far as festivals go, i learned that: no drugs + small crowd + several days of closeness = great recipe for POWERFUL connections. large drug parties are just not my scene anymore. i'm so much more interested in making connections that can turn into real life creativity. the journey took us south, and we camped near Mt. Shasta for 2 days, one of them in the "wilderness" - really, we were at a creek near a one-lane road about 14 miles out of town. but there was no cell phone service, no lights, and one car passed about every 3 hours. so it was a new experience for me. i fell asleep as soon as it was dark and had many waking moments, but i was proud of myself for sticking it out. i found a brochure for a man who teaches people to survive in the wild on their own, and i think i'll partake in such a quest when gaia is older. i bathed in the creek at sunrise, one of the most spectacular experiences i've had for a long time. it was a powerful reminder of how important such experiences are. i was so glad that when left to my own devices, i seek out such mentors. we frolicked at the city park with a bunch of other parents and children, and chatted with the faeries coming through on their way south from MGP. apparently there is a spring at the park with pure water, so it drew a lot of open-hearted people looking for cleansing H2O. i made more connections there in one evening than i had all weekend in ashland. we headed east and stayed at Burney Falls, a magnificent waterfall that is a very short walk from the campground. yay for instant gratification! i began to breathe and feel the purpose of my journey. there is so much purity from simply being outdoors continuously. it's been at least 5 years since i've gone on such a trip, much too long. as i reestablish my independent identity, i am remembering the things that are key for my inner and outer well being, and learning to initiate experiences that fill me with clarity. we headed further east to our final destination, Lassen. what a beautiful place this is, and instantly i knew that i would have to come back more prepared in order to fully enjoy the park's wonders. it must be mating season, because butterflies absolutely filled the roads and meadows. the lakes are expansive and sparkle, filled with wildlife. green grass grows everywhere, as though it was still spring. we went hiking at King's Creek, which i found to be the most beautiful sight i ever saw. i have only dreamed of such places, and although everyone has their definition of beauty, this definitely was mine. it left tears in my eyes. wildflowers of all kinds, a grassy meadow you can easily walk across, and then a babbling creek running right through it. perhaps it was the altitude that made my head and heart fill with such fluttering. but still. i found a spot that i could easily see myself getting married on, and dreamed about meeting the person that would see it in the same way as i. the hike was longer than i anticipated, especially because we went down 700 feet first. unfortunately i forgot my baby carrier, so gaia was in my arms the whole time. i carried and nursed her on the way back through tears and screams, but eventually she fell asleep - which made carrying her more difficult but easier on my mind. and in the end i felt so strong to have done it. the week left a deep feeling of relief, like breathing for the first in a long time. i was so proud to have gone camping despite not finding anyone to come with me, and to have seen so many beautiful things - and kept her fed, happy, well-slept, clean, dressed, not lost our things, and gotten to swim in fresh water every day. the journey is just beginning.