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On Friday, October 6,2006 at around 4:30 AM my Daddy died from a heart attack. He was 54 years old. I cannot express the massive amounts of grief I am feeling right now. He was so special and meant so much to me and so many people. He wasn't sick at all prior to the attack but had been smoking for over 40 years. His mother,my Nana was a long time smoker and died from cancer 2 years ago. If you smoke,or know someone who does, please stop. The devastation that is left behind from a cancer death or a sudden heart attack is incredible. My heart is broken and I have no idea how I am going to even make it through the next 24 hours let alone how I made it through the past 24. Please say prayers for my Daddy. He is so greatly missed.

Christmas was always a special time in my house growing up. And, as the years went on and I got older and had my own family, Christmas Eve became the special night for our family's get together. My parents got divorced when I was in my teens but my Mom and Dad always remained friends and genuine ones at that. So, when Christmas Eve rolled around, we all got together, even when my Dad got remarried; my Mom was always welcome in his house (and thankfully his new wife had gotten used to the idea after dating him for 10 years!). My Dad always made sure we had time together...just our families before the rest of the aunts and uncles and such would visit.

My Dad loved Christmas! He was always so generous with everyone...especially his grandkids! He loved to watch them open their presents, literally on the edge of his seat, with his eyes wide with excitement. He loved to see their reactions and took such enjoyment out of their happiness!

But, this year my Dad is celebrating Christmas in Heaven. After his very sudden death from a heart attack on October 6,2006, we have had to deal with a lot of things without him. But, this is our first Christmas without him. There will never be another Christmas Eve at his house, watching his child-like excitement with the next gift anxiously waiting in his hands. He was only 54! We had so many more Christmases, Birthdays, fun summer days,etc, to share with him! And now we only have our memories and the realization that he can only be with us in spirit, not in person.

So, how do we deal with our first Christmas without him? Our first Christmas Eve? It's such a lonely thought....a horribly sad feeling. Personally, I have to go on and celebrate for my kids. I can't let my sadness take away their happiness. My Dad would want us to live it up, have fun, open lots of gifts and will probably be there in spirit anxiously watching over my kid's shoulders with a smile from ear to ear.

After we get through Christmas and the New Year, then there's the Birthdays and Easter! Geez, don't even get me started on the amazing Easter baskets he'd make for all of us, including Mom! I think we still have some candy left over from last years baskets-lol! So many first celebrations without him. I guess as time goes by, it will get easier to deal with; but the loss will always be there in our hearts. One thing is for sure, my life, our lives will never be the same.

"Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh"

-From Faith Hill's "Where Are You Christmas?"



Currently reading :
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss
By Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Release date: By 05 July, 2005

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So, one year later, here I am, on the anniversary of my father's death. I remember every moment as if it were yesterday. The phone call at 4:30 am..."Your father's had a heart attack", rushing to the hospital, meeting my family there, hugging, "we have to believe everything will be alright", the doctor ushering us into the family room, asking my step-mother what happened, she tells him and he says, "well, I'm sorry....he's gone." "NOOOOO!!!", my husband hugging me, trying not to break into pieces in, front of my children, "it's okay..." hugging them, "Do you want to see him?" "Yes", my Daddy laying there...

I didn't know how I would make it through, and a year later, I still don't. Things have changed, bouts of denial don't come as often, I can almost talk about him without crying, but I miss him more everyday.

Nothing will ever be the same...birthdays, holidays, they just don't have the same meaning...maybe someday I will find a new, different happiness attached to them..for now I put on a happy face for my children...

I'd like to think that I have grown stronger over this past year. Even though it is still so difficult to handle, I talk to him and think of him everyday, I keep him in my life because I know he will never truly leave. I believe he shows me signs that he is still there, watching over me and my children. It doesn't make up for him not being here physically, but it sure helps!

So, a year later, here I am sitting at my computer pouring my heart out to a blog maybe one or two people may read. But, this isn't for them, it's for me. And for my Daddy.

In remembrance of a fun-loving, silly, generous, wonderful Father and Pop-Pop: I love you and miss you more than words can say!

My Daddy

May 25, 1952-October 6, 2006