Cheap Thrills for the Easily Entertained

working over an old horse

riotgrrl — Wed, 20 May 2009 03:29:57 GMT

A friend of mine had an old dell pc lying around, so I conned her into donating it to my household for use as a general internet surfing box. Little did I know that it's from May 1999. Happy 10th birthday little pentium II! I can't believe it's still running and as perky as it ever was. With the extra ram I threw in it, it actually ran win 98 pretty peppily. Talk about a walk down memory lane, booting up that system. Back in the day when logging into a profile was optional and ctl-alt-del rebooted the machine... I'm in the process of installing ubuntu 8.10 on it, and besides being slower than molasses in winter, it seems to be happy enough with the installer. It accepted my addition of 512 Mb of RAM, and ran the live disk just fine, so I'll be super impressed with this linux distro if it runs all the weird old hardware I bolted onto it without complaint.

Somewhere between worlds

riotgrrl — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 18:10:35 GMT

I'm sitting in some coffee shop somewhere, discovering that I'm between worlds, between words, and generally settling into a density of immobility. I've been missing writing, missing that sharp sense of articulation, missing the balance of release of words slipping off an insolent tongue. Where to start when there's a wall of emptiness staring back at me. Perhaps she's right. Perhaps empty walls do equal empty minds.

minus 15

riotgrrl — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 15:23:28 GMT

Hmm...the only thing I've discovered that's entertaining about the weather being in the land of minus 15 F is that the cats become balls of static electricity and are constantly shocking everything. Including each other.

still not dead...

riotgrrl — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 20:11:43 GMT

still struggling with the culture of middle america: - got told last week that wisconsin doesn't haven't any campus climate policies on the books, therefore if a professor is openly disrespectful of marginalized groups, the office of diversity cannot intervene except in the case of where a state or federal law may have been violated. Because I rather was enjoying having to sit through a class with a prof who, when another student outed me as genderqueer, openly suggested that ENFORCING gender roles is both normal and acceptable. And that academia is privileged for being able to have such a liberal view of it. At some point i'm going to have to tell that jackass that I may be privileged, but my experience of the world is a right and not a privilege. - had to yell at my housing co-op on sunday for not being willing to understand that having a gender quota defined by the gender binary for certain meetings is unfair if the house has a non-discrimination policy based on gender expression. I had to explain that the policy places an undue burden of disclosure and education on any non-normatively gendered members of the house (of which there are quite a few). E.g. "I'm not required to discuss my gender identity with you and I don't want to discuss my gender identity just in order to be able to attend one of your meetings. You don't have to discuss yours." - have grad skool applications due on friday, what the fuck am i doing with myself, anyway? - have papers due - am leaving the state next week to head back to CA - and did i mention it's my birthday?

how the west was won...

riotgrrl — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:36:34 GMT

Wisconsin was the first place that I encountered homophobic slurs in bathroom scrawl. I had encountered bathroom scrawl before, mostly in mens washrooms, but it was mostly of a more banal variety. I mean, some of it was sexist, most of it was idiotic, but it was rarely, if ever scary. At the med school in Davis, CA, I remember finding a note that said "I should have gone to Stanford instead," and after thinking about the long hours of thankless studying and demoralizing institutional culture, I sympathized with his feelings of learning later that an important choice was poorly met. One of the first times I was at the UW Milwaukee campus, a group of us were in the bathrooms in the Union, only to discover such uplifting commentary as "Die AIDS faggots". I was shocked. Somehow I just couldn't understand where the author was coming from. Was he a jilted lover, infected and left to suffer the consequences? Was he a right wing soapboxer? A closet case? Are we still trapped in the 1980's preconceptions of AIDS as a 'gay' disease? Does he somehow think a virus is going to morally differentiate between the virgin mary homo and the straight cum dumpster of tinsel town? What is he so afraid of, that he needs to share his opinions in this way? Last week I had seen something in one of the stalls at work about somebody or other being a faggot. I didn't recognize the name, and it wasn't until today that I realized that all of the stalls in that bathroom were scrawled with "Nate Higgins is a faggot". And the more I sat and stared at the nondescript hand writing, the more I realized the less I knew. Who was this Nate? And did the author mean this literally, or was it some kind of slur against his masculinity? Is it fair to ask clarifying questions in this semipublic forum? Ten minutes at the computer offered up the insight that this 'Nate' probably was not a co-worker or student in the building, but rather a hockey coach in the upper midwest college hockey circuit. Which leads me to question of how to respond. Leaving it there seems to endorse the homophobia that it engenders. And yet removing it is censorship. After thinking about it for a while, I decided the best response was something that both calls this issue out into the open and obfuscates it by invoking other stereotypes of masculinity, colonialism and sexuality: "Hey honey, there ain't nothing wrong with a little buttlove, it's how the west was won."

Still alive,

riotgrrl — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:42:15 GMT

skool is crazy. got a crazy eye inflammation thing going on last week. got told i might lose my eye, might have: lupus, rheumatoid vascularitis, hiv, syphilis, or some other immune or autoimmune disorder. this week my eye recovered, got told that i probably don't have any of those unpleasant diseases, and am getting to go about my regular life again, which mostly just involves computers, books, cats, and acrobatic butt sex. In other words, not much news to report here. I was also in OR last weekend for a straight cowboy wedding. Talk about a clusterfuck of family values, and I'm not talking about the gay kind. And yet I still got a drunken lady hitting on me at the end of the night... straightest place on the west coast, and still can't escape that queer feeling. Go figure. Skool is still craziness on a stick. Too much stuff, not enough sleep, and my stomach is killing me because of the meds they put me on for my eye. But then they also gave me zoloft to help me cope with living in the midwest. And a social anxiety disorder. So the big question at the moment is: do I care? Probably not, but if my cat comes up and enters attack snuggle mode, then I'll be forced to reciprocate. And why is the economy going to hell in a hand basket now instead of months ago? Strange days.

well, i guess it's an improvement...

riotgrrl — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 07:25:49 GMT

I've gotten to the point in transitioning that my face is no longer breaking out. which i do truly appreciate. however, unfortunately, the pimples have just moved to my ass. fantastic. really fantastic.

An apology to Hytemlia

riotgrrl — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:21:53 GMT

Over many years of living in cramped cities, I have inadvertently found myself becoming a disciple of Asphaltia, goddess of parking. I am not an ardent believer, but rather I find myself offering up incense and incentives while circling blocks and blocks of cars seperated only by slim margins of driveways and fire hydrants. Being that I gave up my car earlier this summer, I find myself wondering if I will miss her benevolent presence in my life, or if she will instead confer her benevolence on my thin skull whilst I pedal my way betwixt impatient drivers. But I fear I must also offer up an apology to Bitonia, goddess of code and Hytemlia, goddess of the internet. For I have created indescretions against them. Forgive me, Bitonia. Forgive me, Hytemlia. I am complicit in using software that creates mauled and ugly code through the use of a buggy WYSIWYG HTML editor. I promise that I understand the weakness of my ways. Please understand, I shall to atone by creating a beautifully simple and yet effective hand coded informational page, marked up in validated XHTML, and laid out like a haiku declaring my dedication to your wisdom.

The advantage of living next to a construction site...

riotgrrl — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:18:13 GMT

The advantage of living next to a construction site is that I never have to set an alarm. The jackhammer goes off at dawn all by itself.

Quote of the Day:

riotgrrl — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:17:10 GMT

and i am, if nothing else a human sponge, mopping the floors for stray bits of unloved knowledge for my curio cabinet of curiosities.

Living at the speed of falling

riotgrrl — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 09:00:41 GMT

Well, after being in Cali for a few days, and having many lovely adventures, I'm on my way back to the muggy midwest....

getting outside my head

riotgrrl — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:51:43 GMT

well, i finally figured out what doesn't work for me about madison. It's not the weather, although it is the weather. It's not the people, although it is the people. It is my own head. I travel to try and get outside my head, this place drives me further inside it. I don't know why, but it does. It's too bad too, because it seems like such a pleasant place.

In Between Berlin and the Great Plains / Zwischen Berlin und der großen Fläche

riotgrrl — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:18:16 GMT

I'm already here, / Ich bin schon da on these Great Plains / auf dieser großen Fläche that draw the storms of the summer / die die Sommerstürme eindrängt up like a great fit of temper / wie inside the body of a child. / But I'm still feeling you inside me. / How can you be so far away, / Wie kannst du so weit entfernt sein when I can still taste the cool smoothness / wenn ich noch of your water on my skin? / deines Wassers auf meiner Haut when the stink of your humanity / wenn still clings to my clothes? / when the beauty of your / damaged past haunts me? / when you've fed me so well / in my clumsy machinations / through your streets? / And I know, / that with every passing week, / the details of everything I love about you / will begin to fade / and you'll become a caricature / of puppetry and smoke / intangible at the edge of my vision / and fading into the distance. / The adventures become episodes, constrained by fences of time and space until they finally fall under the realm of "That was then, and this is now: time to move on"

Art!

riotgrrl — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 12:53:49 GMT

I just remembered that I actually had some art included in a show last month! Yay for art! And I got to see a great set of photos (with one of me in it) from a friend while I was in berlin! And I'm back from Berlin!

moving

riotgrrl — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 15:31:42 GMT

listening to the sounds of my heart strangling itself in the vines of scraggly weeds that came from seeds of things that will never change.

the rain is pouring down over a heat soaked city

riotgrrl — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 22:01:20 GMT

after hours of heat so heavy it ran down my legs and pooled in little eddies around my toes, the sky shuddered and shattered and the rain finally started to fall, and fall, and fall, at a velocity that sweeps the heat and the stink of piss and garbage down into the gutters for the start of a new day.

Chatting with the Devil:

riotgrrl — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:23:49 GMT

A representative will be with you shortly. You have been connected to TTD Keith . Me: Hi, can you help me pay my bill? TTD Keith : Thank you for contacting Charter Communications. My name is Keith. How may I help you today? Me: I'm in Europe and I don't have access to my paper bill. TTD Keith : Are you wanting to pay your bill online or you want me to process your payment? TTD Keith : Let me inform you that there will be a $1.99 processing fee if I will process the payment. Me: I don't have a login for the online account and I don't have the 'security code' on the paper bill. TTD Keith : I see. Will I process your payment then? Me: if you can give me the 'security code' from the bill i can do it online. TTD Keith : Well, we cannot give it to you through chat or over the phone. TTD Keith : Will I process your payment? Me: can i setup my online account without having the bill in hand? TTD Keith : No, you can't. TTD Keith : Will I process your payment or not? Me: what do i need for you to help me? TTD Keith : Please let me know if you are still connected to the chat session at this time. TTD Keith : Will I process your payment? TTD Keith : Sorry about that other message. TTD Keith : If you need more time to think about it, then you may chat us back again. Me: you didn't answer my question. TTD Keith : Will I process your payment? TTD Keith : If you do not want me to process your payment, then there is nothing else I can do for you. Me: you still haven't answered my question. TTD Keith : As I have said, if you do not want me to process your payment, then there is nothing else I can do for you. Me: what do i need for you to process a payment? TTD Keith : If you need further billing assistance, please chat with out billing represenatatives. TTD Keith : You can get connected to them by clicking the SUPPORT tab at the main page page of our website, www.charter.com. Once you have done that, please click CHAT LIVE at the lower left portion. A pop up windown will open and click on ACCOUNT AND BILLING. TTD Keith : Have a nice day! TTD Keith : Thank you for choosing Charter Communications. Answers to frequently asked questions and self help options can be found by looking in the "Customer Help" menu at www.charter.com. If you have further questions, please chat back with us. Our chat support is available from 7 AM through 1:30 AM central time, 365 days a year. Have yourself a great day! If you require further assistance, go to www.charter.com/contact Your session has ended. You may now close this window.

28 and still learning how to turn on the hot water...

riotgrrl — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:20:11 GMT

well, that about sums it up. i tried to wash my hair the other morning and i couldn't get the hot water to work. it didn't help that i hadn't had any coffee yet, and couldn't really understand why i kept getting boiling hot and then icy cold water coming out of the same spigot... And we won't even discuss my adventures with the washing machine. It required a diagram with letters and numbers and it took both of my college degrees to understand it. Anyway, here's the consolation prize: Against Forgetting / Gegen Vergessen I want to remember / Ich will mich erinnern that I don't want to forget / daß ich nicht vergessen will because I want to be myself / denn ich will ich sein I want to remember/ Ich will mich erinnern that I want to forget / daß ich vergessen will because I don't want to suffer too much / denn ich will nicht zuviel leiden I want to remember / Ich will mich erinnern that I don't want to forget / daß ich nicht vergessen will that I want to forget / daß ich vergessen will because I want to know myself / denn ich will mich kennen Because I can't think / Denn ich kann nicht denken without remembering / ohne mich zu erinnern because I can't want / denn ich kann nicht wollen without remembering / ohne mich zu erinnern because I can't love / denn ich kann nicht lieben because I can't hope / denn ich kann nicht hoffen because I can't forget / denn ich kann nicht vergessen without rembering / ohne mich zu erinnern I want to remember / Ich will mich erinnern everything we forget / an alles was man vergißt because I can't save (anyone) / denn ich kann nicht retten without remembering / ohne mich zu erinnern not myself, nor my children / auch mich nicht und nicht meine Kinder I want to remember / Ich will mich erinnern the past as well as the future / an die Vergangenheit und an die Zukunft and I want to remember / und ich will mich erinnern how soon I will forget / wie bald ich vergessen muß and I want to remember / und ich will mich erinnern how soon I will be forgotten / wie bald ich vergessen sein werde

Berlin Drag Kings

riotgrrl — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 13:31:01 GMT

and we are once again blessed with the wonders of the smartphone, which very nearly got hosed down in the process of filming: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2426047425971229427&hl=en what isn't in the film is how i tore open my shirt and got hosed down later...sigh.

the homophobia is making me cagey...

riotgrrl — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 14:51:50 GMT

unfortunately the story continues. This time in berlin. I went to this righteous event this weekend: http://drag-festival.net/drag/ (missing a steampunk fireshow in a renovated art-house-squat...) And at the end of the night after the show and party on saturday (I guess, not that long after I left and walked home), a bunch of men jumped out of a couple of cars and beat the crap out of some lesbians/women/folks walking home. Then they hopped back in their cars and drove away. The assumption is that they were neonazis or faschists... great.

Something to do in Madison when I get back...

riotgrrl — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 13:40:06 GMT

http://extremecraft.typepad.com/extreme_craft/2008/06/death-and-taxidermy.html (thanks chris)

life's not a walk on the beach

riotgrrl — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 11:04:04 GMT

Last week I was walking on Stinson Beach, only a few miles north of San Francisco. All in all it was a beautiful day. I had driven up there with various sf and wisconsin cuties, and in a moment of spazzdom I decided I had to go running on the beach and get the biting wind in my hair in combination with the cold sand between my toes. And in classic ADD progression I also decided that I needed to see if there were tidepools down at the end of the beach where the sand became cliffs and rocks. After discovering that we were at high tide (and thus even if there were tidepools, they would be under several feet of water and therefore inaccessible), I started walking back to the aforementioned cuties. The sun shone down upon me brightly as I was walking at the water's edge. My ears perked slightly as I heard three men behind me discussing 'faggots'. Since those are some of my favorite fruit, I was somewhat dismayed to realize that they were not discussing 'faggots' with the same notes of endearment that I might, nor were they bears, nor queerpunks. I believe, in fact, they were eastern european, if their stilted english and soft accents were any indication of origin. Their conversation went something like this: "for a faggot, I would slit his throat with my knife.... ...a faggot, I would cut his balls off" I guess the worst part was that I couldn't tell if there were directing this at me or if I was a passive recipient of their deep affection towards the fruitier classes. And I couldn't help but think about the guy who died last summer at Folsom Lake after being beaten up for being perceived as 'gay'. And stranger still was my reaction: I felt around in my pockets looking for my knife, which I had left in Wisconsin because I knew I would be flying out and didn't want to check luggage. Which is probably for the best, because all I wanted to do at that point was confront them, offer up a knife, and say "well fine, then let's do this thing then. right here. right now. put your money with your mouth is and prove how heartless you can be, 3 yards from the gaggle of kids building a sandcastle and your pack of friends playing volleyball." But I didn't have a knife, so I sulked off up the beach in search of friendlier sand to dig in.

quote of the day

riotgrrl — Thu, 22 May 2008 16:23:23 GMT

"just another little white boy who walks into the middle of our project talking about the importance of the revolution but who can't clean up after himself and gets food all over my handywork."

Gonna be back in CA

riotgrrl — Tue, 20 May 2008 15:46:32 GMT

Hiho, Gonna be back in the state starting sat for a little bit. Look me up if you want to catch up or cause trouble.

redux

riotgrrl — Tue, 20 May 2008 15:44:49 GMT

I've been through so much in the past few months, from the things I knew would be hard to the things that I didn't expect. I knew it would be hard to leave behind a place I'd made my home in. I knew it would be hard to leave my friends and lovers behind, only to have the memory of them fade into the background of my new life. I knew it would be hard to make my way in a new place. But I didn't realize that I would lose friends over it. And I didn't think the culture shock would be this bad.