My Thoughts

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the longest time

I have been away from tribe...mostly on facebook. But honestly I got tired of the penis photos, sexual invitations. Seriously if I want sex I don't need to hook up on tribe. It gets boring to see penis pictures over and over again.

It makes me think that men who post penis pictures have a very limited imagination, are boring and are mentally restricted.

I like smart individuals with wit, and abilities to turn my mind on. My genitals are turned on by smart men...not men that lack imagination and typically have only one trick up their sleeve..

So i shall clean house...profiles with penises shall be deleted.
Sat, February 13, 2016 - 8:19 PM — permalink - 3 comments - add a comment

Equality is not always Equal

Tonight many of us celebrate because a victory has been won for the Gay community in NYC. It shouldn;t have been a celebration, but rather a way of life. Unfortunate, there are many in our beloved country that feel it's sinful for some to unite as a married couple if they belong to the same sex .

Many folks will continue to frown upon those states that endorse same-sex marriages. Very much as many states frown upon mix raced couples. Remember how angry folks would get and still get whenever they see a couple from different races. Folks tend to get very uptight with individuals who change things.

For those brave souls who will come forward and get married, be aware that many churches will not perform your wedding vows. Be prepared to pay alot for a minister to perform the vows. And be prepared to stand on very long lines in the County Clerk's office.

With that being said, I applaud and honor you for your choice to marry. I do however recommend a healthy pre-marital dialogue so you can be prepared for the natural roller coaster ride that comes with marriage.

There is a psychological mind switch that goes off when couples get married. You can ask any heterosexual couple and they will explain what I mean. Some folks do change when they get married. I advise you to keep communicating always honest and open. And keep the romance alive as if you were still dating. Don't ever get comfortable just because you are now legally bonded.
Sat, June 25, 2011 - 12:24 AM — permalink - 2 comments - add a comment

fade out

the day it happened
the lines to the future
making love was
not an
much as sleep was
the end
was bright and clear
as the beginning
faded out..
Sun, November 28, 2010 - 7:15 PM — permalink - 4 comments - add a comment

final connection....

Throughout the years I've dated and lived with many partners. More then I care to count or recall. I have loved and been loved, but always with some limitations and enormous amounts of frustrations.

I've attempted to understand and work through things in hopes of making a lasting connection. But one consistant thought I've always had, if I have to work harder then the other person to make a relationship harmonious, then its time to go.

I never completely given myself to anyone since I knew going in, there were some limits. I attempted to modify my expectations and my desires according to the relationship pattern I detected.

Regardless how much I compromised or went without, I was feeling unfulfilled and extremely frustrated with the relationship.

My compromises were often followed with numerous excuses and ongoing justifications just to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed by the issues I knew were nonsense and not part of a healthy relationship. Some of the issues resulted from lying, unequal sharing of household responsibilities such as finanical maintenace of the bills, emotional rollercoasters that were often triggered by a partner's mental status or simply incompatibility in the area of sexual enjoyment.

I attempted to settle each and every time I got involved...but then it was always a matter of time before my soul felt like I was dying emotionally. I became an emotional zombie who basically went through the emotional cycles without the investment of my heart. I knew I couldn't allow myself to remain in these dying the end.

I always suspected there was someone just right for me..
but who? How do you find that other half? How do you find that right person? Where do you look? The personals? Online chat rooms? a friend's party? Its so frustrating to wait for the moment of encounter since it seems you take forever to arrive to that point.

My encounter came 9 years ago, but I didn't know it then. I was completely oblivious to my mate. I knew him through friends...he was the ex of a friend, and was part of the circle of spiritual friends I've known for the last 10 years. I never gave him much thought until 2003. He asked me if I would be interested in "connecting" with him. Sadly, I had just broken up with a mutual friend and felt it would have been weird to date him since he was my ex's friend and didn't want to "create" static. My intergrity and concern for my ex, who basically had no thoughts or concerns about me, was pure ignorance on my behalf. Had I known what I know now I would have not hestitated to date this man. Again such foolishness of mine.

For 2 years I was a free agent until I ran into another ex from my earlier years. Sadly the revival of the old is not always the smartest thing to do...but all things have their lesson plans don't they. Anyway, for about 7 years I struggled emotionally with making relationships work that were not meant to work. I stubbornly worked on making things happen that had no real benefits for me. Though this is a fact, I can state that those efforts did train me to notice what I wanted and needed from a equal partner with an equal vision.

I don't need a twin, a soul mate or a perfect partner. But I needed someone to compliment my lifestyle and personality. Ironically, that person was the same one who asked me out in 2003.

We're not perfect...but we are awesome. We struggle with outside issues of survival, but we do so together. There is no ego, no self-righteous nonsense. No competition for power. We are different on some levels, yet very similar on many. We're both each other's mirrors in many ways...both sensitive and strong...I am his male energy and he is my female energy.

FInally I've learned that relationships are not just about love and great sex, but about having a partner who walks in life with you and shares the joys and burdens in life. I have discovered the beauty of having a "partner" in every sense of the word. I have someone who is willing to share my burden and I am willing to share his.

As you read this, don't feel jealous or envious. Just take the message in, that its possible to create a wonderful relationship.

Creating a healthy and loving relationship is more then just about being attracted to a phyiscal package..its about knowing what you want and not being afraid to say so...

Too many of us compromise because we think we have to. Too many of us miss good relationship opportunities because we are impatience and tend to overlook many times what is in front of us.

Raven was in front of me all these years...yet only when I was ready for real love did I notice him.
Thu, July 15, 2010 - 2:07 PM — permalink - 9 comments - add a comment

The Service of Pain

Pain believe it or not serves a purpose. It keeps us in line with reality in ways we don't always connect with.

On a phyiscal level, pain allows our body to know sometime is wrong and needs our attention.

Emotionally pain allows us to know that certain situations are not ideal and should not be tolerated. Yet, we do our best to avoid pain it as if its a sign of failure or weakness.

We fear pain. We run from it. Or when we do have pain we try to quickly eliminate it through all means possible. We either over eat, overdrink or engage in all types of numbing actions to reduce our awareness of pain.

Unfortunate in our speedy need to feel no pain, we also lose the valueable lessons and messages that are part of the package. I'll be honest I don't care for the new age explanation of "we create" our misery bullshit. But I do believe that in listening to our emotions we learn a lot about ourselves and our realities.

This month as many of you know I've had major losses. I'll be honest I've had intense days of different types of feelings. My therapy for my feelings has been to blog, be quiet and just be. Its not easy to do these things. Its easier to blog, but you run the risk of getting overloaded with tons of advice that can be more confusing then helpful.. However it gets the feelings to the surface in a truly healing way.

The hardest thing to do is be quiet and just be. For me its easy to get busy and forget things through the fine art of distraction. Not having a job right now means not being able to get distracted with other people's pain or problems. Being alone at home means facing myself 100%. Being quiet means listening to the sound of my pain. For me pain is not so hard to feel, but not having a quick solution is the hardest part. I am doer and a action type of person. Just sitting is torture, but a valueable lesson in patience.

To "just be" means not always taking action. Not always having a solution to every damm problem. Pain sometimes just requires time and nothing more.

For me pain has served as a creator of patience and a valeuable instrument for change. Its has allowed me to redefine what work really means to me, what being consumed by strong emotions can do and the power of external support.

My pain has not made me weaker. If anything its awaken me in a different level. Its allowed me to take action in a positive manner. I've actually created a "real" budget which means I will be able to afford things I didn't think i could while making less money. Plus its allowed me to reduce my credit card bills and overhead which i didn't think was possible. Yup. I've trimmed my budget by $1000 so far. Its taught me not to worry about things that are not permanent anyway...

If you're in pain today...ask yourself what is behind this pain? Is it time to change what no longer works? Is it time to face what is unhealthy and outgrown? I outgrew my job but was hanging on since I didn't have faith in my budget skills. I still have some discomfort about the future, but I it doesn't mean my feelings have to consume me. They just alert me to what needs attention...

For today..I'm quiet...mellow.. a little scare..and also a little excited about the good stuff as well.
Mon, March 15, 2010 - 10:11 AM — permalink - 3 comments - add a comment

Lessons from the Grave

My aunt Ada Maria killed herself this Monday. She jumped from the George Washington Bridge around 11am in the morning, when most folks were busy at work or struggling to wake up. She lived a tormented life.
Do I think she had a right to do herself in because of pain. Honestly I don't know. I do know not everyone finds the good or blessings behind tragic moments nor do they ever develop the skills to see the beauty in life.

Many of us can't relate to the idea of terminating life, simply because we have the understanding and ability to recognize the beauty in the breathe of life. Yet amongst us, are friends and loved ones who secretly toy with the idea of doing themselves in, especially in the darkest hours of depression or simply feeling overwhelmed by life's never-ending pressures and strange obstacles.

There are times we get tired and completely buried in feelings despair. There are times when things get rough and thoughts creep in and make us wish we can change the channel into some happy land of no hassles or worries. But the fact is many are losing jobs, losing houses, and facing realities that are depleting our abilities to sometimes change the channel.

When I think of the number of reasons why a person would jump from a bridge, I can only imagine the pain being greater then the ability to keep trying. This thought then opens up the door to other thoughts, why do we face so much pain. In a simple thought I think of Buddhism and the idea that life is suffering. I realize that the reasons so many suffer is because they place so much value on things that were never meant to be permanently ours or even part of our reality. Job, apartments, relationships and even our life is on a time clock. Everything expires. Everything we had is on a loan.

I lost my job this month and then I lost my aunt. Ironically I got into the field of counseling as a result of dealing with people like my aunt. Unexplained behavior and suffering lead me to explore the human mind, which opened my path into psychology. And eventually working with addicts and other healing modalities.

As a child I always believe everything had a solution...but people like my aunt always confused me. I am still confused. My aunt's mental illness is still confusing . But throughout the year I can say, I have learned huge lessons. I can not fix others. I can only support them and be a guide when they are ready for guidance.

My personal lesson is to truly live life one breathe at a time. I realize if I don't meet certain goals or have certain things I crave, I am not failing my life. If I loss a job I haven't lost my skills or ability to obtain other jobs. The same thing holds true for relationships and other tangible and intangibles I cling on to.
The fact is I shall never loss my skills to do things to improve or achieve anything. However I learned that I need to keep my feelings in balance with my mind so one doesn't wash out the other. When my feelings cloud my thinking, I need to allow my feelings to be and run their course. Feeling do die naturally without the mental obsessive chatter that tends to fuel them. I also realize that feelings grow the more we attempt to fight or avoid them.
So here's how I feel. I am angry that my aunt didn't have the ability to change the channel since her mental illness was bigger then she was; I am sad she didn't see the beauty in life enough to hang around longer. I am relieved she is no longer suffering. I am upset my poor cousin has to endure all this pain. And I am grateful that I can feel intense feelings and rise above to a new cycle without allowing the feelings to completely dominate my life. Yes, I shall admit I am happy I didn’t have her life.

My aunt died this week so that some of us can learn to appreciate our lives more. I felt sorry for myself because I lost my job this month. But the fact is I had skills to get this job before and I still continue to have those skills. Meantime, my aunt never had the skills to do more with her life. She was a schizophrenic with a polysubstance abuse history that landed her in the hospital over 42 times in her life. She was a prostituted who’s face was torn with a knife from her ear to her mouth by her ex-husband/pimp. She then became a lesbian who never found true love, since her mental illness and addiction pre-occupied her days. She suffered a great deal and her ability to overcome her pain was not strong enough to make her live a peaceful life. Her main joy was her daughter, my cousin a wonderful soul who’s been amazing even as a child. My cousin inspired my aunt to remain sober for long periods throughout her life. At the end she lived in a community that kept her sober and safe for awhile. However, it was not enough.

I have been bitching about being broke. But my aunt was on SSI most of her life since she couldn't hold a job for long. She was a cab driver in the beginning, but as her life spun out of control due to drugs and mental illness, her skills for coping and creating balance were lessen. I’ve worked most of my life and the longest I have ever been unemployed was 6 months and it was by choice.

I complained about having bills, yet I've traveled the world and have done more them most. Today I am alive to continue to improve and be aunt doesn't have that option. Her death is my lesson to wake up and do.
Fri, March 12, 2010 - 11:29 PM — permalink - 18 comments - add a comment

celebrate myself

i celebrate myself
with memories
of me...
the choices that
the path
I walk on
today share
my heart
filled with celebrations
of my life...
Sat, February 13, 2010 - 8:57 PM — permalink - 4 comments - add a comment

empty pillow

you left a space
upon my bed
its hollow
and cold
but to forget
i fill the space
with the pain
you created
Sat, February 13, 2010 - 8:54 PM — permalink - 2 comments - add a comment

Professional Feedback

Ok folks...once again I have updated my website.

I have been rather lazy and disconnected to the private services I used to offer...and now I am getting back to trying to work more on my own then work for some agency.

This means I am promoting again myself...but first I need feedback on how my website is or isn't working. In the past when I designed a website through my PC many folks would have trouble viewing certain pages etc.

Please let me know if the pages are clear, if the site makes a point...etc.

Any feedback on where to put my site would be welcomed as well

Wed, February 3, 2010 - 10:07 AM — permalink - 3 comments - add a comment


in nights
of emptiness
I forced my mind
to fit you in
our thoughts travelled
in different routes..
disguised the truth.
designed a reality
of love
and pleasure
all forged from
you were the canvas
of illusions
the distraction
to the fear...
we were
not united
just fragile souls
the streets
seeking love
simply to feel
Wed, May 6, 2009 - 10:14 PM — permalink - 6 comments - add a comment
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