My Thoughts

final connection....

   Thu, July 15, 2010 - 2:07 PM
Throughout the years I've dated and lived with many partners. More then I care to count or recall. I have loved and been loved, but always with some limitations and enormous amounts of frustrations.

I've attempted to understand and work through things in hopes of making a lasting connection. But one consistant thought I've always had, if I have to work harder then the other person to make a relationship harmonious, then its time to go.

I never completely given myself to anyone since I knew going in, there were some limits. I attempted to modify my expectations and my desires according to the relationship pattern I detected.

Regardless how much I compromised or went without, I was feeling unfulfilled and extremely frustrated with the relationship.

My compromises were often followed with numerous excuses and ongoing justifications just to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed by the issues I knew were nonsense and not part of a healthy relationship. Some of the issues resulted from lying, unequal sharing of household responsibilities such as finanical maintenace of the bills, emotional rollercoasters that were often triggered by a partner's mental status or simply incompatibility in the area of sexual enjoyment.

I attempted to settle each and every time I got involved...but then it was always a matter of time before my soul felt like I was dying emotionally. I became an emotional zombie who basically went through the emotional cycles without the investment of my heart. I knew I couldn't allow myself to remain in these dying the end.

I always suspected there was someone just right for me..
but who? How do you find that other half? How do you find that right person? Where do you look? The personals? Online chat rooms? a friend's party? Its so frustrating to wait for the moment of encounter since it seems you take forever to arrive to that point.

My encounter came 9 years ago, but I didn't know it then. I was completely oblivious to my mate. I knew him through friends...he was the ex of a friend, and was part of the circle of spiritual friends I've known for the last 10 years. I never gave him much thought until 2003. He asked me if I would be interested in "connecting" with him. Sadly, I had just broken up with a mutual friend and felt it would have been weird to date him since he was my ex's friend and didn't want to "create" static. My intergrity and concern for my ex, who basically had no thoughts or concerns about me, was pure ignorance on my behalf. Had I known what I know now I would have not hestitated to date this man. Again such foolishness of mine.

For 2 years I was a free agent until I ran into another ex from my earlier years. Sadly the revival of the old is not always the smartest thing to do...but all things have their lesson plans don't they. Anyway, for about 7 years I struggled emotionally with making relationships work that were not meant to work. I stubbornly worked on making things happen that had no real benefits for me. Though this is a fact, I can state that those efforts did train me to notice what I wanted and needed from a equal partner with an equal vision.

I don't need a twin, a soul mate or a perfect partner. But I needed someone to compliment my lifestyle and personality. Ironically, that person was the same one who asked me out in 2003.

We're not perfect...but we are awesome. We struggle with outside issues of survival, but we do so together. There is no ego, no self-righteous nonsense. No competition for power. We are different on some levels, yet very similar on many. We're both each other's mirrors in many ways...both sensitive and strong...I am his male energy and he is my female energy.

FInally I've learned that relationships are not just about love and great sex, but about having a partner who walks in life with you and shares the joys and burdens in life. I have discovered the beauty of having a "partner" in every sense of the word. I have someone who is willing to share my burden and I am willing to share his.

As you read this, don't feel jealous or envious. Just take the message in, that its possible to create a wonderful relationship.

Creating a healthy and loving relationship is more then just about being attracted to a phyiscal package..its about knowing what you want and not being afraid to say so...

Too many of us compromise because we think we have to. Too many of us miss good relationship opportunities because we are impatience and tend to overlook many times what is in front of us.

Raven was in front of me all these years...yet only when I was ready for real love did I notice him.


add a comment
Thu, July 15, 2010 - 9:33 PM
the connection
it is amazing when the gods open our eyes and take us by our hands and show us the way,it was there all the time and just when u are about to give up they show us how powerful they really are. congrats on this and i am very hopefull for you. and open your self to him and the rewards are going to flood in more ways than u can ever relize.heart wide open means your ready.
Fri, July 16, 2010 - 9:14 AM
Mathew its interesting you would say Gods...cause I had had a dream just before I told my ex to move with Shiva who told me in my dream if I wanted to true love in my life I needed to get rid of the person I had living with me. A few weeks later he was out of my life. A year later my true love connected with me
Fri, July 16, 2010 - 11:23 AM
Out of all the women I dated over all these years growing up and living on a beach, I only actually lived with two of them....married both, too. Funny how that works.

Have figured that this lifetime just doesnt' have that in the cards for me I guess.
Sun, July 18, 2010 - 11:04 AM
thank you so much for sharing your life exeriences and wisdom
I too hope that some day when I am REALLY ready the ONE will show up. and hopefully i won't over look that person
I am so very happy for you, and know that you are happy
bliss, hugs and blessings to you!
Fri, July 23, 2010 - 3:00 PM
thats awsome!!!
I am hoping for attunement.

I cant say I am seeking it , but I don't want to say I am not putting any effort into it either..

I think there is a line between manifesting and seeing what comes your way.
I hope I can recognize it when it does come walking through my door...

miss ya
Tue, July 27, 2010 - 11:56 AM
The more loving, successful relationships we become aware of...
...the more hope and inspiration for the rest of us still in process with creating / allowing this for ourselves.

How wonderful for you to have come full circle and see that your partner was right in front of you! We are eternal beings, there is no rush. The Universe knows Right Timing.

Not sure where I found this small prayer, but I like it:

"I thank you, Lord, that I now have
the greatest love of my life
standing in front of me suddenly today.
I thank You that You show me clear signs
of who this person is,
and if there is anything I need to do
to meet this person.


(Obviously you can customize it to your beliefs/deities.)
Thu, November 11, 2010 - 2:05 PM
Amazing Insight
Thank you for sharing. Huge impact with me, and I bless you for that
Thu, November 25, 2010 - 7:51 PM
I think I may see the root of your frustration
you say "I never completely given myself to anyone ...."

Just a thought,

Thu, November 25, 2010 - 7:56 PM
After a more careful reading, I retract my earlier comment.