My Thoughts

incomplete

Ro-from-NYC — Thu, 07 May 2009 05:14:10 GMT

in nights of emptiness I forced my mind to fit you in our thoughts travelled in different routes.. disguised the truth. designed a reality of love and pleasure all forged from loneliness you were the canvas of illusions the distraction to the fear... we were not united just fragile souls walking the streets seeking love simply to feel complete

faded love

Ro-from-NYC — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 11:28:32 GMT

I faded out of love no longer seeking your heart my wishes have died with yesterday's dream... no longer i crave your pressing lips... your memory is on the pages of the lost loves.... i once desired so desperately as the tears rolled daily in your absence the loved vanished like pebbles upon the shore of oblivion.... RCastro copyright 2009

loved you purely

Ro-from-NYC — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:28:45 GMT

i loved you thorns and all in grey days and hot uncomfortable hours.. I loved you inspite of your cold heartbeat

perfect mate

Ro-from-NYC — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:24:38 GMT

she witnesses his pain a cry for love like all of us she listens to the voice of his loneliness offers her heart and he closes his mind to her orffer.. she watches his torment as he measures his worth never feeling whole in his shadow she picks up the pieces for him he notices nothing to busy drowning in his sorrow she notices his needs are empty the gods have provided answers but he's occupied with the frame of perfection.... which no one can fit into she disappears since he never notices pure loved walked by

kiss

Ro-from-NYC — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 14:08:22 GMT

encased in my mind your lips remain forever imprinted in my soul... your hands encircles my skin eternally in my imagination we never parted as I carry the scent of your sweat upon me... and the imprints of your kiss

empty

Ro-from-NYC — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 10:44:32 GMT

trying to fill the emptiness with nothingness relationships with no love smiles with no heart just to avoid emptiness...

riding

Ro-from-NYC — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:45:39 GMT

empty spots no longer waiting for the prince the damsel has taken riding lessons and is off to the races

karmic nightmares

Ro-from-NYC — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 04:54:02 GMT

thinking of the circles in my mind floating uneasy trying to get off the lane of sadness find me peace or give me madness days run into each other fading the smiles of years into one forgotten chapter give me peace or take my laughter but wicked fate let me be... stop following me by Ro

Peace Ritual 2/1/4/09 7:24am

Ro-from-NYC — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:58:39 GMT

I plan on doing a peace ritual ritual...white candles, incense and meditation. Join me. The alignment of Mars and Jupiter, with the Moon in the 7th house occurs as Jupiter, Mars, Neptune, and Chiron the Wounded Healer, the Sun and the North Node all align in Aquarius. To make this even more significant it occurs on February 14, 2009, Valentines Day, at 7:25am (GMT). For those of us on the Pacific Coast, that is 11:20pm the night before (February 13th). On the East Coast 2:20am on the 14th and those in Switzerland and Germany 8:20am on the 14th. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDFXuIqP340&feature=related

the connected

Ro-from-NYC — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 08:24:11 GMT

trying to sit still fear of tilting over.. then you might leave but you sneak a call watch my blogs in the quiet nights when you assume i am sleeping you claim to leave forever but strings of empty emails linger in my box with cryptic messages covering the white out stains of your previous love lyrics... your words burned a memory in me...i wish to erase but i see your name all over the place.. you claim you need more living space... to heal the emptiness but you continue to sneak your toes in my way... you claim you feel numbness beating upon your heart and that we never connected... but your lips have left an eternal print in my heart as i felt you beating through every kiss... passion that exist only between the connected...

your shadow

Ro-from-NYC — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 08:02:42 GMT

I don't want your shadow or the emptiness you carry or your dusty dreams of yesterday fulled of love for her I don't want your bitterness upon my lips when we kiss or the crust encased around your heart that seals the passion shut I don't want to hear your stories of the wrongs you face as you played with her hair and got tangled on her lace wisely file the yellow pages of your past and seal the contents tightly into the darkest section so you won't trip yourself as you dance with me and attempt to share a moonlight stroll in my garden of wicked delights... don't carry your baggage otherwise you won't be able to hold me closely to your beating heart as we carry on with passion...

Sharing...things on relationships

Ro-from-NYC — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 04:57:42 GMT

I've been reading some of my books, especially those in buddhism and tao in preparation for my admission into the buddhist training in sept. I'm hoping to get in, but if I don't I'm fine either way. I've been reading and finding the material so healing and so amazing that I will be sharing bits and pieces of some of the stuff I'm reading. One of the two books I am currently reading: If the Buddha Dated Taming the Mind Something I find I believe in strongly, which I know does not always make me popular but its honest. In the book, If Buddha Date, the following speaks about the attitudes we should take when appraoching relationships, which many of us forget: "More then anything I want myself, I want to live with integrity and truth. I'm not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies. The more we commit to knowing and accepting ourselves, the more we are able to surrender to loving another person because we have nothing to hide and nothing to feel ashamed of. Our spiritual commitment to truth and intergrity creates a safe habrbor wihtin us. ' Charlotte Kasl I completely relate to this message. I see this as true not only in romantic relationships, but also in friendship and with working relationships as well. Another valid point...If we succumb to fear, we start holding back and do that all-too-common dance of getting close , then pulling away... In summary..to thy self be true!!

family and religion

Ro-from-NYC — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 19:53:39 GMT

I have to handle a delicate situation which I often avoid since I don't believe in pushing my religious views on anyone. My father called me upset yesterday because my sister was rude to him. Funny as I begin to write this i get an urge to call now. I believe in venting simply because it gives me a fresh view. My sister and father were talking about the mideast...my sister asked my dad a question. And he answered honestly "his opinion". WHich was, the fighting needs to stop. Well, my sister Roz who is a pentacostal minister in training decided to "correct" my father and said he was wrong for thinking this way. And its in the bible that the war should continue until they get what they want. I plan on speaking to her. However I don't want to speak to her with anger in my voice, because I know she will get defensive and not hear the message. I personally think my dad has the right to his opinion, as does my sister. However, though I agree with my dad. As a minister I also agree with my dad. The war needs to stop. I think only the fanatics endorse this war and don't see any other method of finding a solution. It is because of the fanatics that this endless war as lasted so damm long. Relligion and Spirituality are two different things...I don't wish to preach, though I am in a position in which i can do so. I don't desire to. I feel mankind takes the bible litereally and not spiritually as it was intended. The bible was suppose to inspire a spiritual relationship betweeb the people and God, not dictate a course of action that's brutal and bloody. Mankind has misused spiritual literature to invade and destory way too long. This has to stop. But who am I but a drop of sweat in the big equation... I did take a vow...it is not to remain silent for the purpose of false harmony. I must speak even if its uncomfortable. Goodness this is hard. I know my temper. I know my quickness to react to injustice and bullshit...so I pray to the Gods...save me from me.

New Years day..

Ro-from-NYC — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 02:58:25 GMT

I've decided since I am now entering a 9 year...its a perfect time to dissolve useless relationships. I started with a crappy friend who's the type few folks tolerate. I've had tons of compassion for her. But she's constantly talked poorly about different friends...which throughout the years I've had to tell her not to engage in gossiping about my others,,,she has not people skills so for the longest I felt badly for her. Last night I had a party and since she was not being the center of attention with her typical monopolizing style of conversation, she wasn't very pleased. The final blow came when she crossed in front of me while I was doing a reading for a friend and she was basically very dismissive and rude. Again I didn't make a huge deal since I know her to be rude and completely self-centered, But she lost my respect when she went to the kitchen and yelled at my cat. You got to understand I have two cats...one of them is very timid and mild and not necessarily the type you need to yell at. This is a cat barely comes out when there is people since she gets nervous easily around too many unknown faces...anyway my cat was on the way to the kitchen at the same time...and this friend yelled at the came to move...in a very rude and unnecessary tone of voice... I was pissed. No one yells at my pets. FUCK that. And I told her so...and of course she got uptight with my reaction...she's lucky that is all I said and nothing more. At that instance my mind switched off and she was no longer qualified to be a friend...so that's how my year started. Out with the old baby!!!

the otherside

Ro-from-NYC — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:38:04 GMT

Sometimes we ride a wave of turmoil and think its going to last forever. Sometimes strong emotional crisis feel like an eternity and this often happens because we feed negative thoughts to keep those feelings stirring. The negative thoughts I sometimes use are thoughts of worthlessness and self-pity. The minute I stop thinking this way, my negative feelings stop. Today I am on the otherside of my crisis.Does this mean I am free of negative thoughts? No. It just means that for today I am appreciating all the good that I have and refuse to let a few setbacks take over my entire day or for that fact my entire year

Acceptance

Ro-from-NYC — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 14:35:47 GMT

I realised while tossing and turning one main factor...what tends to keep me off in any type of relationship, whether professional, platonic or romantic...folks who try to modify me. Or someone who's critical of things I do. Who the heck made anyone God and so superior that they can judge me or anyone for that fact. I realise one of my pet peeves is someone who lacks acceptance of people... I tend to be fairly accepting of people...so as a result I have all "types" of friends, some are truly anti-socials to type A personalities. Do I care? NO. My motto, treat me right and I am there as your friend. We are not all one brand, and variety is what makes the world rock and roll... Meantime, I realise that someone who's constantly looking into my flaws, is someone who's not into who I am. Goodness, we all have flaws...and if I dove into the flaws of most people I encounter I would probably have only two friends in my entire life. I have to question, why disect a person and not just let the experience of being with them, be the determining factor of you relationship with them? Of course I know the answer - fear of intimacy and losing control. For me, how you treat me is more important then who you are and how many flaws you have...I guess I'm not afraid of people, so I don't worry what they are about...I suppose my work has a lot to do with it..23 years working with criminals, addicts and mentally ill, helps one develop tolerance. I like who I am, and to be in my world, you got to accept me. Otherwise, step to it. I'm not interested in becoming a clone of anyone's twisted and insincere imagination. I don't need someone in my life who is so hung up on stuff, that they can only tolerate a "certain" type of person. Today I woke up...realising, I am not a bad person. I am truly a great friend, lover, co-worker and human being. If someone is not interested in me as I am, they can kiss my royal black toe. I stopped people-pleasing a long time ago, and I highly doubt I'm going to relapse with that toxic behavior again. The way I look at it, non-acceptance of others, is often a reflection of non-acceptance of oneself...refusal to accept one's dark side, makes us reject those who remind us of those qualities...I embrace my darkness and realise that its ok to be angry, dark, and imperfect. I don't try to be someone I am not, so as a result when I encounter someone who's got a shit-load of traits most would find undesirable, I don't take their stuff personal. Perhaps that explains why some of my partners have been "angry", cocky and/or moody men...hmmm At work, I get all the cases everyone fears to work with...and no I don't work miracles. But I accept folks as they are and they know this...so they tend to relax and just be, which allows me to help them. Acceptance is valuable in all human relationships... With my family, if had I not done this, meaning learn to accept them as they are, I would have no ongoing contact with my family, especially my mom...she's so stuck on what she thinks is the "right" way to pray or believe, that is makes her spiritual path almost non-spiritual, but rather fanatical. She's insulting in her way of pushing her beliefs, yet I realise she is who she is...and yes, she recently "pushed" my buttons by attempting to talk about Jesus last week in a room full of pagans...its taken me a week to process cause I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea why she doesn't accept me as I am...frankly cause I remind her of her fears. Which is, she's afraid to take responsibility for all the poor decisions she's made in her life...and as long as she can place it elsewhere, she can live with her poor choices. I'm different. I have always taken responsibility for my choices and have no qualms being me...something she's disliked and envied since I've been on my own doing whatever I wanted to do, including getting tats....and of course she saw my newest tat last Thursday. Yup, mom...love me or leave...but I am who I am.

challenges

Ro-from-NYC — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:23:45 GMT

Though my life has been a series of challenges...from work, to love to family...often struggling alone. I recognized early on, that every challenge has an exit. The key is to learn when to exit and not remain dwelling in the abyss of our emotional hole. These days I've been in a place of intense emotions, a place where I've been before, but yet I seem to visit without plans. Therefore, I know how to exit this place. Though the current moment seems eternal, the fact is that nothing ever is. My favorite life mantra is; "this time next year I shall be feeling something else"...and I always do. My current challenges allow me to look inside and recognize what I need to change and what I need to create. What have I learned, 1. Its ok to have emotional intensity, as long as I am not ruled by it. 2. Its ok to cry, as long as I truly get relief and it doesn't become a tool for ongoing self-pity 3. Crying is the clearing and cleansing of the soul 4. Love is the connection to others and its never ever severed even if there is no physical relationship 5. To be true to one's light is to live fully, to hestitate and be scared is to live a half-life 6. No one can make us feel badly, without our consent (cliche I know) 7. My heart is big and I am not afraid to use it 8. To be able to love is to allow blessings in one's life 9. We will not always get what we want, but we will get what we need (another cliche..lol) 10. Time is a great healer, but acceptance is even better 11. I have no time for self-pity, since its a counterproductive self-loathing act 12. Everyone needs time to be where they need to be, regardless of our personal agenda. 13. Pain is a wonderful teacher and one that helps us graduate faster once we "listen" and stop fighting reality 14. I can create my own reality, and today I create balance... 15. The best remedy for a broken heart is counting one's blessings.... 16. The best way to get over a failing or terminated relationship, is to let go with love and peace of mind with no regrets 17. I live my life without regreting my old relationships...all of them have added to my life and have made me who I am (including the main ones in my childhood) 18. I thank my support system 19. I thank my heart for being so big that it easily allows me to connect without fear... 20. I thank my pain for she awakens me fully... I love my life!!!!! my heart is pierced over 1000 times and yet i still find room for another hole... Ro

Proposition 8

Ro-from-NYC — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 02:50:24 GMT

During a time when ALL of us should be celebrating. Many are left in shock and sadden by the outcome for Proposition 8. Its a shame that this issue, is currently dividing groups of people. Once more, when we all should be unified, we're being divided. If its not religion, its color and if its not color is gender or gender preference. Unbelievable folks. Even if you are on opposite ends, lets exchange this. Why should anyone care who gets married? What difference does it make if someone is married or not? Being married does not make a couple "More Gay" then if they were living together in single status. Folks wake up. SMELL the DIVISION!!! At this point folks are looking to blame this awful decision in all directions. First it's Obama's fault, even though this was proposed to be voted on before he even won. Second, some folks are claiming its the black folks in California who voted against it. Third the blame is casted at the church who made the original proposal to ban marriages. My guess if I had to make any, it was SOME religious groups, for numerous reasons. But now my thoughts are, we don't need to focus on who's to blame, but rather focus how to fix this problem. I think at the end of the day, the real concern should be, how do we repair this. The reason I feel so strongly about getting a solution, rather then pointing fingers is simple, this way of thinking continues to divide us and it continues to distract us from the goal of creating unity. The current concerns should be, how do we overturn this ridicilous decision that impedes a person's rights? How do we educate the fearful minded thinkers who think that homosexuality is contagious? How do we organize groups that will advocate for the rights of gay folks to marry? How do we get religious leaders who are tolerant of homosexuality to advocate for folks on a spiritual level, since its obvious that the church is the main core group that reinforces the fear of homosexuality, by implying that tolerance means damnation and a one way ticket to hell. I say, both straight and gay folks unite and work on finding a solution to this problem. Someone said to me the other day, that he doesn't want two men having sex in the streets in front of kids. I said I won't want neither a straight couple having sex in front of kids...he didn't know how to answer. I said perverts come in all classes, and to assign perverse behaviors to only gay folks is to be a complete hypocrite, since many straight folks have been caught with their pants down in public... Let's be real and honest, us straight folks have done nasty stuff in public places, this act is not exclusive to only gay folks. So let's cut the crap and stop using poor illogical reasons to take away the rights of any loving couple from getting married... Tolerance of gays does not take away our spirituality. or connection to God/dess. If anything wasn't God creator of all? Tolerance does not get one into hell. The Church is so afraid of losing membership, due to less births, that they oppose abortions, even with rape victims. They oppose birth control as well... and of course they oppose homosexuality due to less procreative acts. The Church is so, silly, they fail to realize many gay folks want kids. Also if they accept homosexuality, they will retain many members who have left due to being rejected Acceptance of all different types makes us better and more loving humans...we can't expect to improve this country as long as we continue to reject groups that don't fit our "type" or comfort zones. Rev. R. Castro

thoughts....

Ro-from-NYC — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 07:24:56 GMT

FINALLY I can feel beauty as i touch my soft cotton textured hair I once wore with shame I can welcome the warm sun without fear of fading more into dark tones I grew so ashamed of tears of loathing have dried between the creases of my memories that held the wicked lessons of rejection today I am just a person... not a color not a race.. not a mistake that god created on her day off... 11/5/08 fine hair mom was eager to erase all traces of our black race she straigthen our hair.... kept us from the rain... she rejected the smiles of those darker then her... fondly embraced the conquestadores from Spain... the blue-eye hues of her father's eyes... is all she ever spoke of with twisted admiration she would smile at her faded traces i got my face slapped as i reminded her our skin was brown and not biege, but dark and deep with history of chains and tears and congos playing fiercely in the thickness of the wild... she slapped me... hard but rather then silence... i heard my mind speak... proudly of my curly hair coffee color skin and deep dark eyes... 11/5/08

annoyed

Ro-from-NYC — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 07:30:15 GMT

I'm truly annoyed tonight... I posted an alert regarding some incidents...base on reliable sources. I get an email from a friend, implying that I might have been fooled... fuck me. He used a urban legend site to debunk my information. Meantime I got my information from an ex-member of the group in question. And being someone who's worked with the populations I've worked with, I've developed a keen eye on what's factual and what's bullshit. Frankly, my whole career has depended on my ability to be alert and have solid diagnostic skills...in other words I can smell bullshit a mile away. What's pissing me off, is if I had been a male, he won't have questioned my comment or the validity of my report. I find too many men continue to assume that women are fragile little flowers who are too innocent and naive to know the difference when it comes con's and lairs. wtf? Funny, I give this man always the benefit of the doubt that when he speaks about technical or computer stuff. For all I know he's making the crap up, but because I respect him and I give him the courtesy of listening, and never once debunking his information with "Urban Legend" websites and internet sources. I'm tired of being treated like some damaged ovary who can't conjure up one single intelligent thought. And I am also tired of being told we're emotional, needy or hysterical if we express displeasure or disagreement with things. Which I am sure is soon to arrive since I wrote him an email expressing my displeasure with his condescending comment. I'm ready for his ass. Am I emotional no. Am I pissed sure. Just as pissed as any man would be if he spoke about something seriously and was told he is statement was a joke... Men if you want to improve relationships with women, you need to stop treating us like we were bimbos....

road ahead

Ro-from-NYC — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 04:30:31 GMT

on the dusty path of unpaved avenues do not censor true feelings to comfort fears... that darken the horizons in hues of untruths.. share the visions to offer clarity.... in the cloudy dark days ahead voices of insight have no pressure only a message of how the mechanics of the mind work.. guiding ... through the future not a distant land with promises of eternal bliss but a drawing of today's distorted desires and delicious twisted views of pleasure and pain... don't run on the dusty path with haste listen to the wind the music is meant to be soothing... even on unpaved roads...

Perhaps one door will close

Ro-from-NYC — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 04:48:00 GMT

We're facing an audit at my job, which we might not pass. We are currently operating on a temporary license as a result of not passing the last audit with OASAS. They basically gave us a conditional license with the understanding that specific issues would be corrected. Well, as some of you recall last year we had the boss from hell. Who basically got the job without knowing a stitch about the regulations for running a 822 program (MICA). She was hired to be the director and over look the functions of the program, instead, she did as little as possible and allowed the existing problems to remain uncorrected, while new ones piled on. Basically OASAS (Office of Alcohol and Substance Abuse Services) provide licenses to program which they monitor and expect to run a very specific way. Well, the boss from hell was fired last May, and things were left piled up with serious problems pending. We have literally a few weeks to correct the stuff....or run the risk of being closed down. And folks since I am fee for service and not salary this means I can lose my job and not have any unemployment benefits. And currently my savings is basically cheesecake... My game plan...get a roommate immediately. A get whatever work I can, without being chosey since the last few years I've had worked for a few agencies that were downsized due to the economy. On those occasions I did manage to collect unemployment, but I still had to supplement my income with roommates, and when that ran out...I used up a huge portion of my savings. So, I have the survival instincts ready for action...maybe I'll focus on doing weddings... I'm not going to roll over and died over this crap...since I did warn them (the Big boss) on several occasions about the problems that were not being handled. I am not surprised if this would be the end of this program. Too many folks open up substance abuse programs and have no clue how to work effectively with addicts or even run and operate addictions program on a serious profit margin. There is money to be made, but at the same time programs don't have to sacrifice services. When they do, its usually out of pure stupidity and complete disregard for reality. Had the administration listened to me and my coworker, they won't be in jeopardy of losing their program's license. But no, we're two Hispanic females who get judged on our looks and our intelligence gets completely dismissed because we don't fit the "cookie cutter" image of the classic therapist. You know just because we have accents doesn't mean we are brain damage...both my co-worker and I have excellent clinical and diagnostic skills and know how deal and work with some of the most difficult patients anyone can imagine and still manage to keep a sense of humor and professionalism. I am tired of not getting the "position" because I don't look the part. You know what is really sickening? I have over 25 years experience in my field, I'm bilingual, plus I've helped put together the MICA program at Puerto Rican Family institute in Queens, which is an 822 program...and that program is still standing 10 years later and making a profit. Yet these clowns hired two outsiders who have no clue on how to run an 822 program, instead of promoting from inside with staff who has more then enough experience. Of course, they "look" the part, but unfortunate they don't know much about the regs... So now they are in serious jeorpady of being closed down...isn't that something? I shall keep my sense of humor...perhaps the Universe wants me to let go of the attachment to my current job...so I can be ready for the next transtition...perhaps relocation is now in order.

restless

Ro-from-NYC — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 09:43:05 GMT

awake... mind racing sleep escapes

flowing

Ro-from-NYC — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 23:54:47 GMT

your voice flows throw me like smooth velvet on my soul the thoughts of you complete me like the universe with a million stars

defending against cupid

Ro-from-NYC — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:14:25 GMT

cupid dare not shoot your arrows my heart has been pierced into darkness but I can smell your fragrance tempting me with distracting smiles and sweet nothingness cupid you evil villain of the heart disguised in innocent attire you rob the soul of sleep and cause the imagination to run amok in madness inspiring poems of eternal bliss meantime uncertainty prevails the innocent maiden who falls victim of your arrow's head... do not take my hope and turn it into tears again stay cupid far and dare not come too near for i fear your presence is the end of my sanity drive me into the abyss of no reality.. where laughter buries common sense and the future a twist of fate's follies