One of the things that Catherine Lynne Carter and I had discussed in couple's counseling was the desire to remain cordial and to examine what had gone well and not so well in the relationship, to thoughtfully process our way out and hopefully learn from it. This was something that she didn't feel up to right away, and so promised to catch up with me later.

Cate Carter moved out of my place in February of 1998, inviting me to stay over at hers as late as April, jealously interrupted me and another woman in May and then visited my house for the last time in June, saying she would try to be in touch by my birthday in October. When she hadn't done so I sent an email telling her I planned to call her later in the week, whereupon her creepy older lawyer friend, attorney Martitia Marti Dell of Portland, inserted herself and thoroughly pissed me off by threatening legal action. I don't know if Dell's boyfriend ever got the sexual play he wanted with Kate Cate or not, but I was feeling pretty dismissed and dissed after so many mixed messages. I had heard of similar mixed messages and games she had played with others, so I decided to at least have some fun and get pro-active. Having recently had some golf pencils printed up for my company, I enclosed one along with a self-addressed, stamped envelope and mailed it off to Carter, calling it "The Dump-O-Matic 98."

I had honestly hoped that the dump-o-matic would provide some insight and let things finish in a vaguely humorous way, but Carter apparently didn't agree. She never returned the form but I heard much later that she had sought advice on magical spells to keep me at bay. Did it work? Hard to say. Taking the phone call or returning the form probably would have been simpler, but for my own amusement I reproduce it here.

DUMP-O-MATIC 1998

With our hectic schedules today, we here at Rorybowman.com appreciate how important your time is. Talking to people or dropping a card can be hard, we know, so we've developed this new version of Dump-O-Matic 98. In combination with Microsoft's Pencil Wizard we think you can quickly and sincerely communicate your deepest feelings to those you once loved (or perhaps loved under emulation). Just check the boxes below which apply and drop it in the mail today. A self-addressed, stamped envelope is enclosed for your convenience.

Please note that, for cross-platform compatibility, we have not included punctuation.


_ My once-beloved
_ Dear Rory
_ You fucking shithead

_ I am sorry I haven't written but
_ I've been very busy with school
_ I've been very busy with work
_ I've been busy with new disposable friends
_ I've been dealing with emotional issues
_ I just really can't be bothered
_ I can't distinguish you from your dead brother
_ I'm afraid of you for reasons I can't articulate
_ I'm afraid of you for reasons I won't share
_ Marti told me not to
_ I never really gave a fuck anyway
_ I'm more comfortable with dead people
_ Who the fuck are you to complain that I haven't written

When months ago I said that I wanted to play "for keeps" I was

_ a naive little twit who didn't know what I was saying
_ enacting my own gender stereotypes about respectability
_ under the influence of hormones
_ grossly mistaken about who you were
_ suffering from romantic delusions
_ fooling myself
_ just kidding

_ Sorry that you believed me

I think that we should have

_ never slept together
_ never moved in together
_ just kept things as a sweet 3-week fling
_ just kept things at a sweet 3-month fling
_ taken time off after Marcus' suicide
_ killed Marcus ourselves
_ moved to a different house
_ killed ourselves like in that Shakespeare movie with Leonardo

Right now I need

_ space to figure out my own feelings about Marcus
_ space to figure out what the hell happened to my identity
_ space to process Reed
_ space to figure out my feelings about you
_ time to figure out who I am
_ to find someone who wants to impregnate me
_ time to finish school
_ another dodge

I hope that I can

_ talk in person with you soon
_ send a more detailed letter soon
_ talk by phone with you soon
_ touch base with you around (insert date and year): _________________
_ see you in some public place or perhaps at a party where we can visit
_ live my life without any further contact with you
_ visit you only at Samhain across an empty plate
_ forget I ever knew you

I would like to

_ see you once or twice a year
_ see you every month or two
_ talk to you by phone every month or two
_ talk with you by phone once or twice a year
_ exchange birthday cards and such once or twice a year
_ forget I ever met you

Right now I need to

_ get this in the mail
_ go to the bathroom
_ other: ________________________________

_ I love you
_ I'll be in touch, I promise
_ Fuck off
_ I want you dead
_ I'm so very sorry