jumping ship - tribe-ulant waters

so seeing that people are starting to jump ship, and i'd hate to lose contact with my tribe friends, you can find me over on facebook under "sass schultz" and i blog regularly over at cybersass.com .
damn, never thought i'd see the day...

not all sorted

ever have one of those days when you’re out of sorts for no reason at all? or at least, you’re still trying to figure out why. inchoate feelings swirl around your brain, prickly and raw, exacerbated by everything and nothing.

i’m having one of those days. feeling boxed in and at the same time wanting to cocoon, insulate myself from everyone and everything. including myself. so instead i listen to bjork. i weed-wack the garden. i fold and pack away clothes. i darn.
but these feelings will not be domesticated.
so i let them be.
the only way out, is through.

PHOENIX

this afternoon the green room at work saw a few of us actors sitting around watching the news - aghast at the details being revealed about the austrian who imprisoned his daughter for 24 years, fathering 7 children with her.

i'm speechless. i can't allow myself to dwell on it too much. at least i wasn't imprisoned - i managed to escape... that poor woman wasn't as lucky. so many other women aren't as lucky. all i can do is shake my head at the fact that the devil comes in so many different guises. first natascha kampusch, now this... once again a reminder why i have such a strong reaction to men who try to control me.

never again. never again. never again.


PHOENIX

Pederast, paedophile -
you sick fuck!
You suck!
or at least
that's what you made me do -
and more.
much worse.
I was only four -
how much more innocent could I be?
And yet, like a vile snake, you defiled me!

No, I take it back.
That image of the snake
is my totem now,
though not like yours;
no violent, hissing thing,
but the one, tail in mouth -
the orobourus,
symbol of strength and rebirth,
now my defense,
my familiar....

You took so much.
Your touch left me besmirched,
and lurching
into what's supposed to be a life.
Well, enough!
It's time to shed this grimy skin -
I'll reveal the one,
untouched, within
and like the phoenix, I shall rise.
The only ashes left,
are yours.

I am a slave,
emancipated,
joyfully dancing on your grave.
I've escaped the crack and lash
of your whip
and my sisters are joining me.
The ones, head-shaven,
are growing their medusa-locks
and others you thought inside ripped,
not anymore -
we've slipped this yoke
with our phoenix-feathers flying,
death-defying.
You'll see....
We are setting ourselves free. (written - nov 94)

at spaceman's behest...

i've been blogging about training for a 10k over at
www.cybersass.blogspot.com, but i'm repeating today's entry here.


"inspiration"


watching "life" on pvr. a fallen angel crashes from the sky.

seeing footage of l.a. makes me terribly homesick for my adoptive city. my home. if i had dorothy's ruby slippers, i'd click my heels 3 times... i'd be in the city of angels... winged, like mercury's heels...fleet footed.

i amaze myself. against my will or maybe through sheer force of will, i find myself at the stadium, lapping up the track. quirky "this american life" stories on my ipod provide distraction and a peculiar soundtrack to cheer me on.

it seems to be errant school kid day. teenagers hang out on the track. one almost dwarfish teenage girl with a cute moon-face, runs and runs almost impossibly round and round the track in jeans and shiny pumps. another girl with a strange gait does an awkward slog round the track. i'm so desperate for a partner, for inspiration, that i almost go up to her and ask if she wants a running partner. in the middle of the rugby field a guffaw of hadidas spear the grass repeatedly , executing insects, getting dinner. they usually sound like donkeys braying overhead - their maudlin task at least keeps them silent.

i do my 10 laps. my feet hurt, the muscle on the inside of my right lower leg hurts. has been hurting consistently through my last runs. afterwards i take a hot bath while zee attempts to drink the bathwater, chew my underwear and rend the magazines within reach. maybe i should teach her to read...

i'm tired. have been up at 5.30 every morning this week. i'll learn words in the morning - at least i don't have too many scenes tomorrow.

i decide to find a 5 k to focus on, for inspiration. may 4th - the nedbank 5k fun run. the starting line is barely 2k's from my house. 2 weeks away. some inspiration. i'm even forfeiting a trip to cape town over that long weekend for this.

a reason to keep sticking to my stickingtoitiveness.

how's that?!

you've come a long way, baby!

i've just finished week 3 of danny haralson's couch to 10k program which i found on the net. it's pure mind over matter at the moment, but i did manage to run the required 8 laps in one go, this past week. i've started a new blog about it and my new puppy over at
cybersass.blogspot.com/
in order to keep me motivated.

here's the latest entry.

jeez, i'm feeling decidedly ancient! we have a new actor on our show and it turns out that i am exactly twice as old as he is! i think i look fairly decent for my age, but damn, acting opposite someone half one's age is enough to make one feel decrepit.

anyway, what with eskom's scheduled "load shedding" leaving us all in the dark and powerless, i only got out of the studio at 7pm and there was no way i was going to repeat the running the track in the dark experience. it was all i could do to decide what pizza to order ( yay, more cheese after my cheese toast in the morning. very unusual seeing that i normally avoid dairy what with being so allergic to it) and make my way to the couch.
what a strange day! started out banging my head and nearly giving myself a black eye on the edge of the step-stool in the kitchen as i bent to pick something up. then i bashed my thigh into the table. next i dropped the sandwich i'd spent 10 minutes making. later i closed my nail in the toilet door. and then something went wrong with the equipment in the studio while we were trying to shoot my first scene of the day. a weirdness seeming to permeate the air. feel like i've got my own private mercury retrograde at the moment.
fortunately the cough from the night before seemed to fade away. though i am suddenly eating like a horse. been about 3 weeks since i drank any alcohol, but either it's the time of month, or all this running which is majorly boosting my appetite.
saturday
day 5 this week. ran 3 sets of 2 laps each. 1 lap walking to start off with and inbetween. still largely mind over matter. on the last set i decided to run at a pace that i enjoy, rather than pushing, but i was still panting at the end. roughly 5 minutes per set, 2.30 or less per lap.
i persevere. it's going to become fun even if it kills me!
ha. bloody ha.

R.I.P. INEKE

just last night i emailed myself the following poem i had written when i first heard of ini's cancer. i wanted to read it to her when i flew down to see her this coming sunday. when i saw her 10 days ago when this pic was taken, she was not happy, but we got to spend some good, one on one time and i got to tell her just how much i love her.
this morning i got the news that she's no longer an earth angel.
she's gone to join the celestial ones.

you will live forever in my heart, my angel friend.


don't go 5a.m. 7.30.03


i was thinking of the ones i love
the ones i'm scared will leave
so i asked it of the ones above
please give us a reprieve

and i said don't go yet
darling it's too soon
if you go now all will be gloomy
so don't go yet
there's so much to do
if you go now i will miss you truly

and a voice it came from in my head
it answered me this way
i'm not quite sure from where it came
this is what it had to say

the person who was sitting here
was here before
and though they're gone they linger on
for everymore
if i keep them in my memory
if i feel them in my reverie
i can taste them on the air i breathe
though they're free to be
they'll be always here with me

loss

i'm in a weird space - couldn't sleep the other night when this poem came to me. i don't know if it's really how i am or maybe how i wish i could be...

Stone 8.16.07


I’ve spent my life avoiding loss,
Shunning desire,
Never building not there
Castles in air,
Always prepared.

Perpetually aware,
I hoard my tears,
Guarding against the grinding loss
Of even one.
I do not allow a single
Leaking smear
Upon my cheek
For fear, unchecked,
A flood may come.

What I do not want
Cannot mistakenly
Leech into the void -
And loss.
A loss
I’ve lived my life
Avoiding.

radiant snow tattoo

"Johannesburg recorded its first confirmed snowfall for almost 26 years overnight as temperatures dropped below freezing in South Africa's largest city".

last night when we drove back home around midnight from the opening of a theater, we stared in disbelief at what was, incredibly, snow coming down and this morning when i had to leave for the studio at 6.30a.m., i walked outside to find the cars covered in a layer of white. 10 minutes later i was still busy with my spatula, trying to remove the icy snow of the front and back windshields. even inside the car, in gloves, my fingertips felt numb. as i drove through the city it was amazing to see everything covered in a threadbare, but blisteringly cold blanket of white. the cars and buildings, the stretches of open, freezing field. i could hardly believe the sight of men bundled up on the back of open pick up trucks - in temperature below o degrees F.

this afternoon, all bundled up, i accompanied one of my best friends to his tattoo artist to finish his half sleeve. just standing there, watching the needle penetrate his skin, made me slightly light-headed, but i hung out, keeping him and milo, the burly italian hell's angel- looking, former grid iron football player tattoo artist, company.

i spent most of my life thinking that i would never get a tattoo, but one day someone told me that they were surprised that i didn't have a one because i seemed like someone who'd have a tattoo. i thought about it for a minute, and went, "you know, you're right!". so i started looking for the right design, with just the right symbolism for me. i mean getting oneself marked is an irrevocable act and i have a pretty deep fear of commitment. 8 or so vacillating years later, still no tattoo.

till today.

i was so scared that i would embarrass myself, that i would not be able to stand the physical pain, that i would scream or pass out. i don't know why i doubted myself. i've faced and survived so much else, why wouldn't i be able to survive an hour's worth of bodily pain? the design is not what i originally had in mind (i want a woman as a phoenix, triumphantly rising out of the ashes, but have'nt yet found the right design), but i decided that i've been overthinking things, and needed to just go ahead and get inked! about 4 years ago, my dear friend, dawnlight gave me an amulet for my birthday and i have worn it round my neck ever since. the paper which accompanied it, said "radiance. from the centre of our being, shining energy and spirit in all directions." it's a reminder in times of darkness to take the light from the universe and radiate it back out. as i like to say, "even a pixel of bright, defeats the dark."

after much debate, i decided to put a version of it behind my neck.

the pain was intense ( maybe because it's so cold here today). i felt like i was being seared by red hot wire. it could have been overwhelming, but i kept thinking to myself, "it's fire. i know fire, i've been burnt before..." and before i knew it, we were done ( not that i'm saying the pain was neglible - cos it wasn't). apparently it took an hour - i thought it had been 30 minutes. i just kept thinking, "yoga breathing..., keep yoga breathing" and i would take deep ujaya breaths and that got me through it. for the rest of the night it still felt like a had a red hot fire brand on the back of my neck, but it's the next morning now and after taking a sleeping pill to get me through the night, it's feeling fine.

i'm ambivalent about how the design came out - it's about 1/3 bigger than i would have liked it, and not exactly like the design i drew. right now all i'm seeing is the purple tracing ink instead of the light grey it's supposed to be, so i'm waiting to see how it heals, but i am now no longer a tattoo virgin!

funny, it feels like i went through an initiation. like i walked through fire...

with radiance.

AFRIKA BURNS?

this is supposed to be a bm sanctioned event - the first "burning man" in africa.
was meant to be next month, now happening in november. does anybody know anything about it?

www.afrikaburns.com/

cool! i'm hooper of the week...

over on hooping.org
www.hooping.org/archives/0...7.html#more