my crazy whorl

jumping ship - tribe-ulant waters

sasss — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 15:47:16 GMT

so seeing that people are starting to jump ship, and i'd hate to lose contact with my tribe friends, you can find me over on facebook under "sass schultz" and i blog regularly over at http://cybersass.com . damn, never thought i'd see the day...

not all sorted

sasss — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 09:18:32 GMT

ever have one of those days when you’re out of sorts for no reason at all? or at least, you’re still trying to figure out why. inchoate feelings swirl around your brain, prickly and raw, exacerbated by everything and nothing. i’m having one of those days. feeling boxed in and at the same time wanting to cocoon, insulate myself from everyone and everything. including myself. so instead i listen to bjork. i weed-wack the garden. i fold and pack away clothes. i darn. but these feelings will not be domesticated. so i let them be. the only way out, is through.

PHOENIX

sasss — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 19:52:52 GMT

this afternoon the green room at work saw a few of us actors sitting around watching the news - aghast at the details being revealed about the austrian who imprisoned his daughter for 24 years, fathering 7 children with her. i'm speechless. i can't allow myself to dwell on it too much. at least i wasn't imprisoned - i managed to escape... that poor woman wasn't as lucky. so many other women aren't as lucky. all i can do is shake my head at the fact that the devil comes in so many different guises. first natascha kampusch, now this... once again a reminder why i have such a strong reaction to men who try to control me. never again. never again. never again. PHOENIX Pederast, paedophile - you sick fuck! You suck! or at least that's what you made me do - and more. much worse. I was only four - how much more innocent could I be? And yet, like a vile snake, you defiled me! No, I take it back. That image of the snake is my totem now, though not like yours; no violent, hissing thing, but the one, tail in mouth - the orobourus, symbol of strength and rebirth, now my defense, my familiar.... You took so much. Your touch left me besmirched, and lurching into what's supposed to be a life. Well, enough! It's time to shed this grimy skin - I'll reveal the one, untouched, within and like the phoenix, I shall rise. The only ashes left, are yours. I am a slave, emancipated, joyfully dancing on your grave. I've escaped the crack and lash of your whip and my sisters are joining me. The ones, head-shaven, are growing their medusa-locks and others you thought inside ripped, not anymore - we've slipped this yoke with our phoenix-feathers flying, death-defying. You'll see.... We are setting ourselves free. (written - nov 94)

at spaceman's behest...

sasss — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 20:19:42 GMT

i've been blogging about training for a 10k over at www.cybersass.blogspot.com, but i'm repeating today's entry here. "inspiration" watching "life" on pvr. a fallen angel crashes from the sky. seeing footage of l.a. makes me terribly homesick for my adoptive city. my home. if i had dorothy's ruby slippers, i'd click my heels 3 times... i'd be in the city of angels... winged, like mercury's heels...fleet footed. i amaze myself. against my will or maybe through sheer force of will, i find myself at the stadium, lapping up the track. quirky "this american life" stories on my ipod provide distraction and a peculiar soundtrack to cheer me on. it seems to be errant school kid day. teenagers hang out on the track. one almost dwarfish teenage girl with a cute moon-face, runs and runs almost impossibly round and round the track in jeans and shiny pumps. another girl with a strange gait does an awkward slog round the track. i'm so desperate for a partner, for inspiration, that i almost go up to her and ask if she wants a running partner. in the middle of the rugby field a guffaw of hadidas spear the grass repeatedly , executing insects, getting dinner. they usually sound like donkeys braying overhead - their maudlin task at least keeps them silent. i do my 10 laps. my feet hurt, the muscle on the inside of my right lower leg hurts. has been hurting consistently through my last runs. afterwards i take a hot bath while zee attempts to drink the bathwater, chew my underwear and rend the magazines within reach. maybe i should teach her to read... i'm tired. have been up at 5.30 every morning this week. i'll learn words in the morning - at least i don't have too many scenes tomorrow. i decide to find a 5 k to focus on, for inspiration. may 4th - the nedbank 5k fun run. the starting line is barely 2k's from my house. 2 weeks away. some inspiration. i'm even forfeiting a trip to cape town over that long weekend for this. a reason to keep sticking to my stickingtoitiveness. how's that?!

you've come a long way, baby!

sasss — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 07:44:25 GMT

i've just finished week 3 of danny haralson's couch to 10k program which i found on the net. it's pure mind over matter at the moment, but i did manage to run the required 8 laps in one go, this past week. i've started a new blog about it and my new puppy over at http://cybersass.blogspot.com/ in order to keep me motivated. here's the latest entry. jeez, i'm feeling decidedly ancient! we have a new actor on our show and it turns out that i am exactly twice as old as he is! i think i look fairly decent for my age, but damn, acting opposite someone half one's age is enough to make one feel decrepit. anyway, what with eskom's scheduled "load shedding" leaving us all in the dark and powerless, i only got out of the studio at 7pm and there was no way i was going to repeat the running the track in the dark experience. it was all i could do to decide what pizza to order ( yay, more cheese after my cheese toast in the morning. very unusual seeing that i normally avoid dairy what with being so allergic to it) and make my way to the couch. what a strange day! started out banging my head and nearly giving myself a black eye on the edge of the step-stool in the kitchen as i bent to pick something up. then i bashed my thigh into the table. next i dropped the sandwich i'd spent 10 minutes making. later i closed my nail in the toilet door. and then something went wrong with the equipment in the studio while we were trying to shoot my first scene of the day. a weirdness seeming to permeate the air. feel like i've got my own private mercury retrograde at the moment. fortunately the cough from the night before seemed to fade away. though i am suddenly eating like a horse. been about 3 weeks since i drank any alcohol, but either it's the time of month, or all this running which is majorly boosting my appetite. saturday day 5 this week. ran 3 sets of 2 laps each. 1 lap walking to start off with and inbetween. still largely mind over matter. on the last set i decided to run at a pace that i enjoy, rather than pushing, but i was still panting at the end. roughly 5 minutes per set, 2.30 or less per lap. i persevere. it's going to become fun even if it kills me! ha. bloody ha.

R.I.P. INEKE

sasss — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 06:14:08 GMT

just last night i emailed myself the following poem i had written when i first heard of ini's cancer. i wanted to read it to her when i flew down to see her this coming sunday. when i saw her 10 days ago when this pic was taken, she was not happy, but we got to spend some good, one on one time and i got to tell her just how much i love her. this morning i got the news that she's no longer an earth angel. she's gone to join the celestial ones. you will live forever in my heart, my angel friend. don't go 5a.m. 7.30.03 i was thinking of the ones i love the ones i'm scared will leave so i asked it of the ones above please give us a reprieve and i said don't go yet darling it's too soon if you go now all will be gloomy so don't go yet there's so much to do if you go now i will miss you truly and a voice it came from in my head it answered me this way i'm not quite sure from where it came this is what it had to say the person who was sitting here was here before and though they're gone they linger on for everymore if i keep them in my memory if i feel them in my reverie i can taste them on the air i breathe though they're free to be they'll be always here with me

loss

sasss — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 13:12:04 GMT

i'm in a weird space - couldn't sleep the other night when this poem came to me. i don't know if it's really how i am or maybe how i wish i could be... Stone 8.16.07 I’ve spent my life avoiding loss, Shunning desire, Never building not there Castles in air, Always prepared. Perpetually aware, I hoard my tears, Guarding against the grinding loss Of even one. I do not allow a single Leaking smear Upon my cheek For fear, unchecked, A flood may come. What I do not want Cannot mistakenly Leech into the void - And loss. A loss I’ve lived my life Avoiding.

radiant snow tattoo

sasss — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 09:18:50 GMT

"Johannesburg recorded its first confirmed snowfall for almost 26 years overnight as temperatures dropped below freezing in South Africa's largest city". last night when we drove back home around midnight from the opening of a theater, we stared in disbelief at what was, incredibly, snow coming down and this morning when i had to leave for the studio at 6.30a.m., i walked outside to find the cars covered in a layer of white. 10 minutes later i was still busy with my spatula, trying to remove the icy snow of the front and back windshields. even inside the car, in gloves, my fingertips felt numb. as i drove through the city it was amazing to see everything covered in a threadbare, but blisteringly cold blanket of white. the cars and buildings, the stretches of open, freezing field. i could hardly believe the sight of men bundled up on the back of open pick up trucks - in temperature below o degrees F. this afternoon, all bundled up, i accompanied one of my best friends to his tattoo artist to finish his half sleeve. just standing there, watching the needle penetrate his skin, made me slightly light-headed, but i hung out, keeping him and milo, the burly italian hell's angel- looking, former grid iron football player tattoo artist, company. i spent most of my life thinking that i would never get a tattoo, but one day someone told me that they were surprised that i didn't have a one because i seemed like someone who'd have a tattoo. i thought about it for a minute, and went, "you know, you're right!". so i started looking for the right design, with just the right symbolism for me. i mean getting oneself marked is an irrevocable act and i have a pretty deep fear of commitment. 8 or so vacillating years later, still no tattoo. till today. i was so scared that i would embarrass myself, that i would not be able to stand the physical pain, that i would scream or pass out. i don't know why i doubted myself. i've faced and survived so much else, why wouldn't i be able to survive an hour's worth of bodily pain? the design is not what i originally had in mind (i want a woman as a phoenix, triumphantly rising out of the ashes, but have'nt yet found the right design), but i decided that i've been overthinking things, and needed to just go ahead and get inked! about 4 years ago, my dear friend, dawnlight gave me an amulet for my birthday and i have worn it round my neck ever since. the paper which accompanied it, said "radiance. from the centre of our being, shining energy and spirit in all directions." it's a reminder in times of darkness to take the light from the universe and radiate it back out. as i like to say, "even a pixel of bright, defeats the dark." after much debate, i decided to put a version of it behind my neck. the pain was intense ( maybe because it's so cold here today). i felt like i was being seared by red hot wire. it could have been overwhelming, but i kept thinking to myself, "it's fire. i know fire, i've been burnt before..." and before i knew it, we were done ( not that i'm saying the pain was neglible - cos it wasn't). apparently it took an hour - i thought it had been 30 minutes. i just kept thinking, "yoga breathing..., keep yoga breathing" and i would take deep ujaya breaths and that got me through it. for the rest of the night it still felt like a had a red hot fire brand on the back of my neck, but it's the next morning now and after taking a sleeping pill to get me through the night, it's feeling fine. i'm ambivalent about how the design came out - it's about 1/3 bigger than i would have liked it, and not exactly like the design i drew. right now all i'm seeing is the purple tracing ink instead of the light grey it's supposed to be, so i'm waiting to see how it heals, but i am now no longer a tattoo virgin! funny, it feels like i went through an initiation. like i walked through fire... with radiance.

AFRIKA BURNS?

sasss — Sat, 23 Jun 2007 14:48:17 GMT

this is supposed to be a bm sanctioned event - the first "burning man" in africa. was meant to be next month, now happening in november. does anybody know anything about it? http://www.afrikaburns.com/

cool! i'm hooper of the week...

sasss — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 16:32:27 GMT

over on hooping.org http://www.hooping.org/archives/000747.html#more

green leaf red heart - detail from my painting

sasss — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 16:30:11 GMT

happy valentine's day!!!

i'm leaving on a jet plane....

sasss — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 00:08:26 GMT

being bi-continental may sound glamorous, but it can be hard on the psyche. i feel a certain limbo, a homelessness, wondering exactly where i belong now. i'm sorry if i didn't get to see most of you. i thought i would rage and party and be wildly social, but for some reason most of the adventures on this trip took place between my ears. i didn't make it to any of the big burner parties, i didn't light up once, but i suppose certain lights went on in my head and i saw the people really close to my heart. i'll keep visiting you guys here on tribe and if things work they way i want, i'll see you on the playa - otherwise it's going to be next year, unless you plan on being in johannesburg at some stage! :-) may our journeys be safe, our falls be spectacular, but our landings always soft. peace. sass

waxing and mammograms - modern day torture

sasss — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 11:56:00 GMT

"open legs for me,", says the woman i have just met, after she's summarily pulled off my underwear. hmn! ok, maybe we need to back up a bit here. in preparation for leaving the country again for a very long time, i've been getting serviced. i had the pap smear last week, had blood work done, i've been to the aesthetician, i've been extracted and painfully peeled and i've been mercilessly scrubbed by korean women, but nothing prepared me for today. first; the place: st john tower imaging. the time: first thing in the morning. the occasion: my annual mammogram. ok guys, you try having your gonads yanked unceremoniously away from your body, placed between two disrespectful and very cold slabs, then brutally and painfully squished together before having radioactive waves pulsed through your body. all this while you hold your breath as you follow the strangely inflected instructions of the woman with the unplaceable eastern bloc accent, to, "NOW. PLEASzsE. dooo NOT MOoove....". then do it again. and again, and again. all of that before 10a.m. on an empty stomach. though maybe an empty stomach is a good thing because otherwise you might be retching through the discomfort of it all. next on the to do list today: waxing. half leg and bikini, seeing that i'm going back to summer. now, i've done this before. no biggie. pull in the sides of my panties, a few well placed strips and i no longer look like a coir mattress which has sprung an unfortunate leak. i get on the table and (i do not know this yet) my future torturer approaches. i'm about to get ready to pull together the lacy sides of my underwear so that i'll be left with a very large runway strip - one that would do any busy international airport proud - when she summarily pulls my panty away, inspects my pubic area and then matter of factly, pulls them off. so we're back to where i originally started. "spread legs for me", she says. okay! i'm a big girl, i decide. i'm not going to be embarrassed by this, though it's not what i planned, i'm going with it. she applies the first patch of hot wax, places the strip of fabric, pats it down and RRRRRIIIIPPPPPPPPPS! and no, i am NOT resting in peace - i am doing my best to not let out a blood-curdling scream that would rival the best horror movie heroine. in a move which i assume is meant to alleviate the pain, but does absolutely nothing of the sort, she gives me several sharp little slaps on the spot where she's just ripped my hair, roots and all out of my body. then she proceeds to repeat this little routine several times. i'm amazed that i am able to stifle my screams. after a while she takes my leg, lifts it up in a sort of splits, and props it against the wall in order to get in even closer. i can barely (pun intended!) believe it when she grabs hold of my lips, spreads them and then in what seems like the equivalent of several turns on the proverbial thumbscrew applies hot wax and once again, RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPS!!! OH MY GOD! she manipulates my labia on the other side and DITTO! my disbelief swells (as does my pubic area under this onslaught) when she places her face right up to my crotch and starts BLOWING on the area she's just depilated. I. AM GETTING. A BLOW-JOB!!! this is (almost) funny. it's too late to stop now. i am jack bauer. this torturer will not get the better of me. the fate of the entire country depends on me. ok, so maybe the pain is making me hallucinate. i grit my teeth. she, it seems, is finally done. but no, not quite yet. now she takes her tweezers and starts to pull at individual hairs which viciously determined, are resisting her efforts. the pain is excruciating! all the while she keeps murmuring, "your hair strong, your hair strong...". no lady, i am the one who's strong; strong enough to resist the urge to strangle you! she finally tells me to turn over, in order to do the backs of my calves, i think, but before i can blink, she has spread my cheeks, applied wax and ripped. i try not to let my other cheeks burn with mortification and embarassment - my god, i don't recall when last any one was this close to my privates! and poor, poor rosebud! when she is finally satisfied that she's done what she can with her wax, she then takes a pair of scissors to the minute patch she's left behind (the only evidence that i'm not 12 years old or a plucked chicken), leaving me looking like i'm sporting a merkin resembling a miniature hitler moustache. i have survived! hail the victorious! sieg heil! she leaves the room and returns with a wet cloth which she then uses to wipe down my pubic area. i am trying to be worldly, but in reality i am feeling like an embarrassed little girl. i retrieve my underwear and my pants and waddle out of there and away from hannah, which i discover is the name of my heretofore anonymous torturer. i can't believe that she spends her day with her face and fingers in people's crotches and imagine that someone who is into pain could get a helluva kick out of a visit with her - all for under twenty bucks! i read somewhere that one of the functions of pubic hair, is lubrication and protection and as i try to walk so that my stinging nether regions aren't further aggravated, i am very much reminded of that fact. i feel strange and sticky and BARE! this was certainly an interesting, albeit painful experience and i like to think that i'm open-minded, but speaking for myself, i'm a grown woman and i like looking like one - especially underneath my very grown up, mostly functional, sometimes lacy knickers. i know they say one has to suffer for beauty, and boy, have i suffered, but this to me is not beauty. i am not 12 years old, nor would i ever want to be 12 years old again. i'll leave it to the playboy girls and porn stars to look like, in my opinion, plucked chickens. when this grows out, i'm going back to my wide landing strip. any guy who has a problem with that, can just jolly-well go land somewhere else.

murphy's law

sasss — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 23:54:42 GMT

my beloved russian blue, murphy, succumbed to cancer last night. he was a real topanga cat - savvy, a fighter, street-wise and was he ever full of sass. my previous cat had just gone the way of many a topanga feline, and though he was my neighbour's cat, he just decided one day about 8 0r 9 years ago, that he was moving in. i'm wildly allergic to cats, but i'm so glad he chose me. he's been staying with my ex, and i was going to drive all the way up to point dume to see him today, but unfortunately he couldn't wait. i know he's better off. i'll miss you smurph. R.I.P. 199?-1.2.2007

in 2007....

sasss — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 02:11:57 GMT

i want to live and laugh and love and thrive and live life alive! and i wish you the same. namaste.

travel....

sasss — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 20:40:33 GMT

i mean travail! yesterday i had to travel from cape town to johannesburg - 2 hour flight - in order to get ready to travel to l.a. tomorrow. i arrive at check in to find out that my e-ticket has been cancelled because according to them it's not been paid for. w.t.f.?! they want to know if i can fax them proof of payment. yeah, once i get on this plane and get to johannesburg! so, after lugging my heavy suitcase over and standing in line at customer service for half an hour, the service suddenly improves and they finally decided to let me on the plane and just gave me a number to which i have to fax my proof of payment once i reach johannesburg (maybe something to do with the fact that someone, to the excitement of the rest of the staff, finally recognizes me even though i just got braids and i look very different from the character i play in the soap i'm shooting). at 1pm boarding is announced. at 1.30 when the plane is meant to depart, they finally announce that there will be a delay. departure at 14:40, then 16:00, the 16:45........ to cut a very long, tedious, story short, my plane (a different airline altogether), finally takes off at 6pm and i finally make it home after 9pm, about 5 hours later than scheduled! a taste of what's about to come, i'm sure! ok heathrow and lax, here i come! i'm ready for ya! see ya'll on the other side!

today i give thanks...

sasss — Thu, 23 Nov 2006 19:53:28 GMT

that in just under 3 weeks i will be landing back in los angeles and hopefully seeing many of you beautiful people for the first time in almost 8 months. i give thanks for my chosen family/families, for loyal friends, for abundance and opportunities for growth, i give thanks for the dark times over the past year (which were indeed very deeply dark) so i can compare them to the light, i give thanks that the circle spins past places of pain to give birth to joy and laughter and wild abandon and the knowledge that wherever we are in the cycle, we will keep moving to new revelations and illumination. i give thanks for the interconnectedness of us all in the circle. i give thanks for you all and i hope you are all blessed today and always. image (one of my favorites) copyright michael brown - www.tenthousandvisions.com

pig's foot playboy bunnies and parasites - a moving scenario

sasss — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 15:06:14 GMT

don't drink the water!!!!!!! i've got 7 days before i leave l.a. for another 7 months and after going to moontribe, i've just spent the last week between bed and bathroom with the worst cramps and everything else that goes with it. the last 3 days those where in a hospital - on morphine! i remember only one hallucination involving a chorus of playboy-bunnies/chorus line girls dressed in black and white in a circle around my bed with cloven hooves for feet and a pig's foot each for a right hand and when they noticed me noticing them, they scampered - now my hips where they injected me hurt like hell. all in all - if you're thinking about experiencing any of the above - i wouldn't recommend it. oh and did i mention that i'm supposed to be moving house at the same time?! welcome to my life!

click your heels 3 times....

sasss — Sat, 18 Mar 2006 13:49:26 GMT

and say, "there's no place like home!" one week and counting......... yay, it's only for 5 weeks, but i can't wait to see ya'll.

"i can see clearly now...."

sasss — Wed, 08 Mar 2006 12:08:19 GMT

ok, so not quite, but after my last trip to the eye-specialist we've determined that though there are still some blood clots in the eye which need to abate, i have about 90% of my vision back. this is phenomenal, seeing that i started out with 10% immediately after the shooting. the pellet will have to remain for now, but the swelling has gone down and other than a mark which could simply be mistaken for acne and just the slightest droopiness which is barely noticable, i look absolutely normal! if not for this blog, when i get home at the end of the month, you guys would have no idea that any of this happened just by looking at me. as i said before, thank you for all your positive invocations on my behalf. i think having all that healing energy directed my way made a huge difference. can't wait to SEE you all. pun very much intended. ".....Look all around, there’s nothin' but blue skies Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies......" - johnny nash

eye update/thank you......

sasss — Wed, 22 Feb 2006 20:04:26 GMT

so much to everyone for your kind and supportive comments. it's good to know that there are people invoking the universe on my behalf. went back to the eye specialist today. still no improvement in my vision, but he says the hemhorrage is subsiding and it doesn't look like there's damage to the retina. we're hoping that i'll get my vision back within the next two weeks, though i'm going to get another ultra-sound of the eye tomorrow to make sure that the shot-gun pellet isn't pushing on the eyeball. getting stir-crazy what with being confined to the couch when i'm not working, so went for a walk today. because i have no depth of field what with only one eye working and taking severe strain, that kind of constant movement while trying to figure out where the ground actually is, tends to make me feel queasy though. solution: i closed both eyes and hung onto laszlo's elbow and he guided me through a 35 minute brisk walk round the neighbourhood. very interesting experience. haven't done that since i was at drama school doing trust exercises! in the meantime the make-up artist is earning her salary covering up the damage to the eye and i'm still filming every day. hey, the show must go on!!!

why i cannot see out of my right eye

sasss — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 19:39:01 GMT

yup, i found out why i cannot see out of my right eye. it seems that there was a car theft underway in gauteng on saturday morning and as the robbers were making their get-away they tried to run down the security guard who then fired his shot-gun into the air - i just unfortunately happened to put my eye in the path of one of those shot-gun pellets. how silly of me!

drive-by shooting/random weirdness

sasss — Sat, 18 Feb 2006 17:04:15 GMT

so if, as people say, we manifest our own reality, then i am scaring the crap out of myself at the moment. shortly after the new year i developed an abscess in my jaw which has continued to kick my butt since then. 3 courses of antibiotics later and it's still there. i either have to remove the tooth or have major surgery on it. decision pending. earlier this week i'd had enough of the pinched nerve in my back, but not having time to get to a chiropractor what with my shooting schedule, i asked the props guy on set to crack my back for me. bad idea!!! over the next hour i found it progressively harder to breathe until i was crawling around on the floor in pain, panting like a fish out of water. a trip to the emergency room later the doctor was convinced i'd either cracked a rib, my sternum, or both. woke up the next morning feeling much better, but still pain-killered to the gills, went for a gazillion x-rays. seems i got lucky and it was only a contusion and my intercostal muscles had gone into spasm, which caused all that pain. phew. deep breath! this morning, i was driving in saturday morning traffic, probably going 15-20 miles an hour, when i heard a huge bang next to my car and felt a blinding pain in my eye. it took a second before i realized that it was probably a gun-shot. i ducked down and only came up when there were no more shots. my glasses had come off and i was still trying to figure out what had happened when i looked in the rear-view mirror and saw the blood trickling down my face. i tried to drive on, but i was in so much shock, that i stopped the car in the middle of the road and stumbled out. seems it was a shot-gun blast and the cars behind and infront of me were hit as well, though i was the only one who took a direct hit. no one seemed to have any idea where the shot came from or why. some people from a car dealership called the police and gave me some sugar-water because by now i was shaking like a leaf and i started having difficulty seeing out of my right eye. they eventually decided to drive me to hospital rather than wait for an ambulance. so. i now have a shot-gun pellet lodged in my head, one centimetre shy of my eye and the doctors think it might do more damage to remove it than to leave it there. the external injury actually doesn't look bad at all. it's a little swollen and there's a tiny hole, but the scary thing is that the vision in that eye is very impaired. i was referred to an eye-surgeon who thinks that i am hemhorraging behind my eye. right now i can see broad shapes, but no detail and i'm wearing an eye-patch as it's too much of a strain trying to focus an eye which just can't right now. so now i do a good imitation of captain hook and i wait. we're hoping that the blood will drain out of my eye and that my vision will return to normal over the next few days. so, if i am really manifesting my reality, then in a few days my sight will have returned to normal and all that will remain is a little scar on my upper lid and oh yes, a scrap of metal somewhere in the region of my brow-bone. i am visualizing vision - in more ways than one!

hoop healing... what comes around (repost of a hula hooping tribe post)

sasss — Sun, 09 Oct 2005 21:41:06 GMT

sunday morning: it is the 9th of october, 2005. on this date, 13 years ago, i was raped, right here in the house i then owned in johannesburg. usually when this annual reminder rolls around, it has a tendency to bite, no matter how much i'm expecting it. last night, however, i was doing a fire performance and i was fire-hooping as the 9th of october arrived. i was a little apprehensive because except for once (which was when i came back for the rape trial), i have not actually been in south africa on this date and on that occasion, i made sure i left johannesburg for cape town. let me tell you - even though it was a trying hooping experience (too many people with too much money and too many drinks and a too tiny performance area) - it felt great. it was symbolic for me of my healing, of the new person i am, of the fact that i am not a victim, but a strong and resilient survivor. i could feel that fiery ring around me incinerating the pain and fear i associate with this date . a friend had invited me to her house afterwards, but i realised that i was fine. i just wanted to get into a bath and savor being by myself, so i went to where i'm staying and got into a hot bath with a bowl of cereal and a drink! i only realised afterwards that the bath too was symbolic. i was washing away all that old negativity and i was feeding my body and my spirit and my inner child. i am so grateful to the hoop and my community of hoop-dancers - especially to anah for introducing me to the hoop, to christabel for so unceremoniously yanking me into the life i'm supposed to live, to dawnlight for being such a loving bundle of fabulous smelling joy. i love you all so much. people were talking in another thread about hoopgasms ( i can't say i've experienced it, but i'll be on the look-out *grin*). what i can say is that the hoop helped me open up my lower chakras and re-awaken my sexuality and sensuality and helped me heal after many years of being shut down in chosen isolation and hiding. it helped me re-connect with the playful, joyful child hidden in an almost inaccessible place inside me for way too long. it is that child who is going out to the park today with hoops for myself and others and i am going to celebrate the day. i am grateful for the gift of hooping and for being part of a community who similarly appreciates how ordinary and yet how extraordinarily special and symbolic a simple hoop can be. thank you. and now i'm going out to play. sunday evening: after i was raped in my house, i walked away from it so resolutely that the council or the bank or some other institution finally took it over and i now no longer own it. once a fabulous artist's community, the area has turned into the most horrific slum and i have steadfastly avoided it for about 10 years. i seemed appropriate that i should go there today. maybe as an act of defiance. maybe as an act of courage. maybe it was a way to finally stop running - to turn around, look my demons squarely in the face and say, " i am not afraid of you. you no longer scare me." i took my hoop and went and hooped on the sidewalk in front of what used to be my house. somehow, the lady who lives there now, miraculously arrived. my friend and i managed to persuade her to let us in. the state of the house is shocking - the fire-place which i lovingly sanded and restored, has been ripped out and used for fire-wood and is now boarded up. there is hardly anything in the house and the walls and floors are filthy. some potplants against one wall. a broken chair. the most incredible thing though, is that because the house is empty, i got to stand on the spot on which i was raped and hoola hoop in what i can only describe as an act of exorcism. i find it hard to describe the experience. it was as if the hoop created a channel through which a vortex of negative energy, the seed of which the rapist planted in me, drained out of me and through the floor where it happened. it felt like closure. like leaving behind some very unwanted baggage. like healing. afterwards i went and hooped in a beautiful garden with other people here who i have introduced to the hoop and who are equally enamoured. i ran and jumped and cartwheeled all over the lawn in my hoop like a care-free kid and then finished off the day with some more fire-hooping. today is the 9th of november 2005. it's been a blessed day.

moving back to johannesburg / hopefully no gun-shots

sasss — Thu, 11 Aug 2005 22:11:55 GMT

johannesburg. city of gold. gauteng. a dusty city perpetually covered in a yellow haze, a result of its insides laboriously vomited out in ochre hills, its riches built on the sweat and blood and broken bones and spirits of too many souls. cape town has table mountain, it's ocean and it's colorful culture and despite the wind which from time to time threatens to blow everything into the sea and the rain which tries to wash it all away, the mother city will forever have a piece of my heart. although i was born in "joeys", as it's coloquially known, it has never elicited the same affection from me. johannesburg has however, seduced me with offers of work. many years ago when i was still living in cape town, i booked a commercial which was to be shot in johannesburg. after some consideration, i decided that, seeing that most of the industry was concentrated in what is now known as gauteng, i should use the job as a catalyst and make the move. so there i was on the plane wearing 3 coats and 2 hats with almost all my not-so-worldly possessions crammed into 2 suitcases. i took a red-eye and arrived at 3 a.m. to discover that the person who was supposed to pick me up and put me up for the night, hadn't checked her voice mail, so there i was. stranded. i wound up tearfully calling one of my best friends. we've known each other since i was 15 and within half an hour he was there to the rescue. he almost literally picked me up, put me in his car, took me home with him, put me to bed and took care of me. i was young and scared and couldn't stop crying for the next 12 hours. and so (re-) started my stormy relationship with the city of gold. a number of years and a flourishing career later, after a violent experience i would rather not relive, i slammed the door on johannesburg. i walked away from the house i own, my career and my family and friends with no desire to ever return. i found myself in a very special part of los angeles - a wounded, broken-winged bird, desperately in need of healing. what a relief to go from burglar bars, burglar alarms, security doors, high walls and endless locks to a haven where i didn't need to lock my doors and where i'd leave my keys in the car so i'd know where they were. i didn't plan on it, but except for a brief return to johannesburg to do a tv-series shortly after i arrived in the states, i have lived on the same street for the last going on 13 years. 3 weeks ago i arrived in cape town for my brother's wedding. a last-minute affair which neither he nor i had planned on. i was going to stay for 2 and a half weeks and then get back to l.a. with a few weeks in which to plan for burning man. so i thought. the universe, however, had other plans for me. a few days after my arrival in cape town, my old agent, thinking i was still in l.a., tracked me down via my mother. apparently there was a new tv-series being cast and was i interested? 52 episodes in afrikaans and shooting in johannesburg from now till march. at first my every nerve cell recoiled, but... i am an actress. an actress who was almost never out of work while living in south africa, and who has only sporadically had the chance to practice my craft in the states. i agreed to meet with the producer on friday and by monday they made me an incredibly sweet offer.. smash cut. johannesburg. here i am, shell-shocked at my decision and playing musical rooms in a guest house for 3 weeks. after doing the rounds of johannesburg guest houses, nothing else i saw compared and though they can't put me in one room for the entire time because of prior bookings, it still was the best option. i've got the first 5 scripts. posed for publicity pix all day today. discovered that the head-ache which i've had since yesterday and which feels like something is trying to poke out my left eye from the inside, is actually a migraine. no. i don't get migraines. yes. it's a migraine. the pros: it's wonderful to be near my family and walk down the street and encounter friends i haven't seen in years and everyone is treating me so unbelievably well. then there's the prospect of doing what i've always believed i do best AND getting paid for it. the cons: i'm leaving behind people i have grown to love and family i've created. there are locks on everything here. this compound, like many others, is surrounded by an electrified fence. there are men on many street blocks, hired to keep watch all night over cars and property. the woman who took me around to look at guest houses yesterday, had a smash and grab 2 weeks ago. she pulled up at a street corner and some guy smashed her window and grabbed her purse. you cannot park your car on the street at night because, gear lock or not, it will not be there in the morning. last night i heard a gun-shot outside. alarms go off and people don't even bother to respond because it happens all the time. my guardian angels are going to be working overtime while i'm here. and oh yes, did i mention that there probably will be a season 2? so. i don't know yet whether johannesburg has seduced me this time or whether it's actually coercion. time will tell. i don't really care for blogs. never thought i'd write one, but this was the one way to inform many of my friends that i've moved to johannesburg for the next 8 months. i'll be back in l.a. on the 27th, fly to reno on the 29th to get to the burn, leave the playa on sunday morning the 4th, spend a few days gathering my stuff, packing up my house and then i leave to come back to johannesburg on the evening of the 9th until next march. if i have anything of yours you need returned or vice-versa, if i owe you money, if you owe me money :} - be in touch before i leave, or you'll have to wait till i get back. i hope to catch you all on the playa or in l.a. before my return to south africa. peace. and hopefully no gun-shots.