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I have often wondered what it would be like to encounter a former girlfriend these days, specifically someone I was with before I began exploring dominance, submission, and the other fuzzy terms that strive to capture the sexual games I’ve taken up wholeheartedly these days. Would they, too, have evolved sexually? Have I really evolved, or simply specialized?

I’d like to think I’ve evolved. After all, I still engage in acts of vanilla, so one can’t say I’ve simply narrowed my interests.

And I hope my former lovers have fared as well. Those who have not are the ones who end up unhappy, stuck in sexless marriages with people they don’t really connect with anymore. And, given the rate of divorce in this country, that seems a fate that is far too common these days.

How and why did I evolve, from someone simply interested in exploring the various physical realms of sexual activity – oral, vaginal, and anal – to someone eagerly exploring the assorted mental realms as well? When did I go from a physical perv to a cerebral one?

Frankly, I think we all evolve as individuals – certainly physically, as we age, and hopefully emotionally, too. So why not sexually as well?

Have you noticed that many who are interested in the kinkier side of sex tend to be a little older? I blogged about this recently. It’s true.

Does this mean that we develop these tastes over time? Or perhaps that we grow more comfortable expressing and exploring these interests as we mature? While I still enjoy the old rub and tumble of “vanilla” sex, my interests have grown and expanded – and, arguably, also become more focused and attuned. These days I have developed a keen desire for engaging in sexual dominance and submission, including things like bondage, spanking, exhibition, and even some humiliation. Regardless of the rationale, I clearly have evolved sexually.

Of course, someone might argue that I’ve regressed. You know the type. Those puritanical beasts, cowering in their own pit of wanton lust, denying every inch of their being just so they can pretend to be clean come Sunday morning. In their eyes, no one has evolved – evolution cannot possible exists.

But I beg to differ, on so many fronts. Sexually, I am far more aware, educated, skilled, and experienced. I have a much more cognitive relationship with my sexuality. Not only do I think and wonder about it, I also analyze and experiment – I even blog about it.

Unfortunately, I find myself single again. In a way, I consider it a blessing. Had I gotten married, chances are that I might have ended up in one of those dead relationships I’ve seen so many of my friends struggle with. On the other hand, it’s hard to be an enlightened perv without a regular play partner.

And, as a result of having no one to play with, I think my sexual evolution may have become a bit stunted, as it can only happen in fits and starts, when I do have the pleasure of being in a sexual relationship with someone I care about. The upside of this is that I haven’t evolved away from anyone – perhaps someone with divergent interests – as seems far to common with people who married young (a tale of two tops, and the love that will never submit…or the story of two subs, who simply wilted and died).

As for why my sexual evolution has followed the path it has, I do have theories on that as well. When one partner chooses to submit and the other to dominate, sexually at least, they are putting their lover’s interest and pleasures above their own. True, they often accept a role that satisfies their own desires, but anyone who has ever played these games knows that you really have to put your focus and energy into meeting the other person’s needs and desires. Just as with an actor in a play, the role you play sexually does provide a certain degree of inherent pleasure, but it is really done for the benefit of your audience.

And, after all, isn’t this what love really is – putting someone else’s needs and desires above your own? So the act of submission, one could argue, is nothing more than the ultimate physical embodiment of love itself, literally handing over your physical being to the person you love – the person to whom you’ve likely already handed over your mental being.

In turn, dominance is not only the natural reciprocation of that, but it is also a form of fulfilling the needs and desires of those who take pleasure in submission. Which is probably while I feel so comfortable being a switch at heart, in that both roles are a means – emotionally and sexually – to the same end: the expression of love. And I have a lot of love to give!

As a friend recently pointed out, I’m technically “middle-aged.” Having just cracked the 40s, though, I still think of myself as a young adult, which is probably due more to my occasionally sophomoric behavior than to forgetting that I’m no longer in my 30s.

One thing I’ve noticed about this age group – the mid-lifers – is that we’re chock full of kink. Yes, the teens and 20s may have the firm bodies and youthful exuberance, but the 40s is when you start to see more people pursuing fetishes and other kinky sexual pleasures. Just take a look at the crowd the next time you attend a BDSM or other fetish club/party. Chances are you’ll see a lot more Ward & June than you will Beaver.

Or, for a more immediate example, simply take a look at AdultFriendFinder.com. Better yet, head to Alt.com for a much more robust sampling. Sure, you’ll find a good number of 20-something kinksters, but most will be of the professional variety. These youngsters tend to be self-declared pros, who either do the full-on escort scene or the no-contact roleplay variety. Though I imagine some are quite sincere – just simply sexually adventurous youth who are quite comfortable with themselves and know a good thrill when they see it. But most of the people you’ll find on such sites will be in the 30-50s range.

Why is this? Vanilla nudge-nicks would likely claim that it’s all some sort of mid-life crisis thing – that we’re merely “acting out” due to some other factors in our lives. Well, that may have something to do with it, but I’d rather not take sex advice from people who sleep in separate beds. My gut – and it’s a relatively substantial one these days – tells me the opposite. I think it has something to do with our sexual and emotional maturity.

When we were young, we were still learning about sex. The conventional stuff was easy to master, as there were plenty of societal references and “hands-on” opportunities. And the conventional stuff kept us quite happy. Besides, when you are young, you are usually more interested in exploring different partners than you are different pleasures.

Kink is also typically a couples game. And unless you were lucky enough to find someone you loved quite early, chances are you never got to the point in a relationship where things got really interesting. Instead, you had already moved on to someone else. Perhaps that was even the reason you had moved on – you had yet to discover that the key to sexual adventure wasn’t necessarily in a different bedroom but rather in the different things you do in your own bedroom.

As always, there is the societal factor. Keep in mind that kink was far from mainstream in the 1970s, 80s, and even 90s. Cable TV was still in its infancy when I was growing up, and the most risqué thing you could find was Jazzercise – an exercise program where three women in tights did deep rhythmic knee bends on a rotating platform.

This was pre-Internet, so porn was still limited in its availability and scope. There were no Victoria Secret catalogs, but Playboy was readily available at most newsstands. Hustler was also around, and fairly hardcore for the time, but it was more focused on gaping labia than any particular kink. And if you were lucky enough to have somehow heard about The Story of O or The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, you could read it – but it was harder to find a partner who was willing to take a walk down that road with you.

By the time people reach middle age, however, they tend to be quite comfortable with their sexuality. They’ve tried all of the conventional stuff. And they either are in a long-term relationship or have been in one long enough to know their way around the bedroom. Naturally, we’re an inquisitive species – so we’re always looking for something new, something different, something more. And often times, the same-old stuff simply gets boring.

Along these same lines, most middle-aged folk are comfortable with who they are. That may sound odd – even silly – to the younger generations, but anyone who has hit 40 will understand. It’s a question of self-realization – both emotionally and sexually.

Unless you are a politician or some other self-delusional type, by the time you reach middle age you have come to terms with who you are. You’ve acknowledged your strengths and weaknesses, and – for the most part – accepted who you are. Once you have done that, it’s relatively easy to find yourself hogtied on the floor, wearing only a leather harness and a dog leash while someone you love reddens your arse with a riding crop, screaming “lick my boot bitch” loud enough to unnerve the neighbors.

So we turn to kink. It may simply be our way of spicing things up in our current relationship. Or a way to explore long-standing yet long-dormant desires that we may or may not have realized – or acknowledged – we’ve had. Or maybe we’ve suddenly discovered kink, in a book we’ve read, a cable TV program we saw, or – more likely – stumbled upon some Web site.

The question I wonder about is what this journey will be like for future generations. With the mainstreaming of many kinks and the widespread availability of every twist imaginable thanks to this World Wide Web thing, many kids are discovering the hard stuff before they even get to second base. These days, boys don’t joke about “sticky fingers” in Jr. High – they’re already talking about “fisting.”

It’s good, and it’s bad. My fervent imagination bubbles at the prospect of wild teenage sex parties, where things like bukkake and dildos are as common as beer bongs and spin the bottle were in my youth. To think that I could have been enjoying the kinds of sexual adventures I do today ever since I was a young man is quite an enticing notion.

On the downside, I’d hate to see kids try to go from 0-60 in their sexuality. Intellectually, I think you need to learn the vanilla before you can properly explore the kink. In other words, you need to learn how to walk before you can crawl. Besides, there’s something special about nervously fishing under a girl’s sweater to unhook that first bra. Or maybe I’m just being nostalgic.

A life unexamined is not worth living, or so the saying goes. But does that mean a perversion unexamined is not worth exploring? Being the curious type, examine I did.

I’ve been trying to figure out what drives these desires of mine. For example, I am a heterosexual at heart. But yet I frequently fantasize about submitting to a woman’s strap-on cock. Can my mouth and ass really be that sensitive, to the point that I actually crave such stimulation? Are these erogenous zones that powerful?

Or perhaps it is the humiliation of it all. That feeling of being totally used by her, like some sexual plaything that exists solely for her pleasure. The role reversal, of being the wantonly subservient femme to her aggressively feminine manhood. The feeling of giving myself to her, and being taken by her. Being fucked instead of doing the fucking.

Of course, I must accept that there could be some degree of unrealized bisexuality in all of this. I mean, in the heat of passion, if she put a real cock in front of me and told me to suck, I’m sure I would. Although, in the light of day, the idea does absolutely nothing for me. It’s not until I’m sexually aroused, like a dog in heat, that such suggestions even take hold.

Or maybe it’s just because a giant strap-on is just so dirty. It’s truly taboo. Sex toys are one thing, but this goes well beyond buying a vibrator for your girlfriend. It’s one of the few acts of sexual deviation that will make a man blush more than the woman. And let’s face it…the naughtier the taboo, the greater the thrill. It’s perversion in its purest, most pleasurable form.

Now if I can only find a young lady who shares this vision, and yet has the strength of character to captivate me outside of the bedroom as well.