Typing from the heart doesn't flow eloquent when it's shrouded in a sullied past and burdened by the torrid present. This is my first, and perhaps only, blog entry here on tribe. I'm writing it because my entire self feels a shift into the reality I wanted so desperately to deny.

True monsters surface when hearts are broken. As a sucker for a happy ending I let my relationship with Ben drag on far far too long. My current state of being isn't the most displeasing; I just wish I just wish I just wish I could be in that other dimension where my beliefs held true. Where my defenses were not futile. Where my time had not been squandered and the memories tarnished.

The hurt I feel is an all encompassing global grief for everyone that has lost the meaning in someone they believed meant more than just a monster. I wanted to stay your comrade; it was too much for me to be with you, and you wouldn't allow for anything less. So here I am. Stressed in a position where I rely on the kindness of strangers and the hope of better tomorrows.

If it wasn't for knowing that there is indeed a reason for my being, you would have yr wish, yr way. I'd be off and gone forever. Unfortunately, I get to suffer the pain that perhaps you suffer too- or maybe yr as cold hearted as they claim. I don't know anymore.

Give me yr words, yr wisdom, yr truth, yr support- I need it now more than ever.

everything is exciting.
i'm excited for september 19th.
i'm excited for october 7th, 8th, 14th, 15th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 27th, and 28th
i'm excited for a few days in either november or december
i'm excited for december
i'm excited for the new year

i'm excited for the entire year to come.

my god, i've turned into an optimist.

a wedding and my grandma's 90th birthday occur over the week of burning man.

i therefore will not be attending... not to mention that horrid little problem called money. please take tons of pictures for me and come back with plenty of amazing stories.

oh yea, and make history.

there's a certain someone that is attempting to rush life.
i feel bad. because when this person has no funds, no home, no way to get back....

they will have to start all over.

they just have to wait a few more months... a few more months.
for me.


because i am bloody sick of getting left behind.