A few years back I tried googling for solutions to the problem of self-sabotage. There were lots of "give us money and we'll solve it" sites, but no real solution.



You know the situation. You're trying to get something done, but it just never seems to complete. Procrastination. Behaviour that seems completely contrary to what you actually want. Inability to get started no matter how much you want to, or what you try.



I've suffered from this, to varying degrees, for years.



This week I realised. There is no such thing as self-sabotage. Let me repeat that:



There is no such thing as self-sabotage.



In order to understand this, we have to delve beneath the surface a little.



First of all, particularly in western societies, we like to believe that we are extremely rational. That our thinking minds control our lives. That what we think is who we are.



In order to understand self-sabotage it's important to realise that is not true. Our intellectual brain is just a tool. Our emotional selves control who we are, what we do. Our mind & intellect simply provide explanations & justifications for our emotional desires. This is the reason you can have two people providing extremely logical, reasonable but completely opposing arguments on the same subject.



Of course, this is an incredibly subtle, complex & debatable point, but let's leave it and move on. It's only important to accept that perhaps, perhaps, our emotions are more important to motivation than we're typically lead to believe.



Ok, so now what? Well, the key to understanding self-sabotage is this:



There is no such thing as self-sabotage. You always get EXACTLY what you want.



What?!? I hear you cry. But I want to be wealthy! I want to be happy! I want to be successful, in a great relationship, driving a benz.. the list goes on.



There's a very simple reason why you don't be-do-have these things. Because some part of you doesn't want them (yet). That's the emotional part of you.



Ok, that's all very nice. But how do we figure this mess out and move on? It's actually very, very simple. First, you accept (for the sake of the process) that you're in this situation because some part of you wants to be here. Next, you ask:



What's good about being in this situation?



So, let's say you (your intellectual mind) wants to be wealthy. This is a reasonable, and common desire. Yet you're not. Why is this?



Common response: Self-Sabotage.

Useful response: Ask "What's good about being poor?"



The important thing here is to switch off your intellectual mind, and listen to your emotions. In the west we're trained, rigorously, from a very early age, to think about everything. So, ask a question like that and immediately your brain will start protesting "There's nothing good about it! I hate it! My parents were poor, and it sucked! I want to be wealthy!" and so on. Switch all that crap off. Listen more deeply. There ARE good things about being poor, otherwise you wouldn't want it. You must want it because that's what you have.



For example, good things about being poor:

• You know who your friends are (no gold diggers or sycophants amongst them).



• You don't have people asking you for money all the time.



• You probably don't have to hire an accountant



• Minimal tax requirements



• It's a very simple life



• Sense of achievement from successfully juggling finances every month



• You don't have to worry about friends getting jealous, or worse, losing them because of that jealousy



• ... the list goes on

See how it works?



Another example, and the primary reason I got into all this self-healing stuff. I've been coding for 25+ years now, and as a primarily cerebral exercise, there are vast differences in effectiveness possible with very small changes in approach. I've spent my entire life trying to squeeze better performance out of my brain. I have projects that I adore, that I'm really excited about working on, and yet... I don't (or at least, not as effectively as I know I'm capable of). So I ask "What's good about not working on these fun projects?"



It's tricky, because obviously part of me wants, hugely, to write this code - plus, I get it finished & I'll get paid very well for it. So I have two sets of emotional responses, I have "If I write this code, I'll get paid more".. but at the same time, I have "Why should I write this code if I'm not even getting paid?" Directly conflicting internal (emotional) desires results in zero external movement. The apparent appearance of self-sabotage - although the reality is, I'm just giving myself exactly what I want - even if what I want is two exact opposites.



To re-iterate, ask yourself "What's good about this situation?". You can also ask "What would be bad about changing this situation?" (in the above example, "What's bad about being wealthy?" (or working on great code))



Once you have your list, you can use the tools of your choice (for me it's a bit of yuen, a bit of tapping, a bit of releasing, but anything that works for you) to get rid of them. Then ask the questions again. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Keep going until your EXTERNAL situation changes. Why? Because your external reality is simply a manifest reflection of your internal reality.



It really is that simple.

I read something, years ago, that said that when we have something we need to learn, it will continue to happen to us until we finally learn that lesson.



As I've got clearer and clearer (healed more things within myself), I've seen this be the case with ever increasing clarity & regularity.



Yesterday, I realised that my first experience with money was as a kid, getting pocket money from my parents. Now, we were never particularly well off (although we never starved, and one thing that there was always a TON of in the house was love, for which I'm more grateful for the more I learn about other people's families). Annnnyway, I could sum up my pocket money experience like this:

• It was very irregular



• I never knew when I'd get it or not



• It was never very much (20c/wk)



• I had friends who would get 25 times as much just for mowing the lawn once a week



• It didn't matter how much or how well I worked (if my folks didn't have the cash, they simply couldn't pay me)



• I had zero control over whether I got it or not



• Mostly, if weeks were missed out, I wouldn't get them filled in, just payment for the current week



• There was no point in me making a fuss about it - since if my folks didn't have the cash, it was hardly their fault

As most of you know, for the last few years, I've been working for a (very) struggling startup. Mostly I've been paid, although not very much. For the last year though, things have spiralled worse and worse. Now, I could describe the situation like this (stop me if any of this sounds familiar):

• My salary has been VERY irregular



• I never know if I'm going to be paid or not



• It's not quite enough to live off (I've been digging into life savings & credit cards like crazy)



• I know people who do less sophisticated/specialised work (by a mile) and get, yes, 25+ times as much



• It doesn't matter how much I work, or how good a job I do



• I have zero control over whether I get paid or not



• Typically, if months are missed out, I haven't had them filled in (including a spontaneous six month "holiday" uhh, thanks)



• There's not much point in my making a fuss about it. The business I'm in, the books are completely transparent, and I know the boss doesn't have the cash

Coincidence? I think not.



Now, this is just the most shocking pattern I've spotted, but I've seen this kind of thing all over my life, big things and small, in every area. The great thing is that these days, rather than having to "learn" (god knows how, in many circumstances), generally I just tap on the earliest instance of the pattern I can remember, and it stops it in its tracks. Not that I probably don't have more things to clear in this area (money seems to mess most people up), but I can definitely stop this particular recurring theme.



And boy, about bloody time!

I was lying in bed one afternoon, reading a good book (Pattern Recognition by Williiam Gibson), when Gala announced she was going to go to a local bar/cinema, the Rooftop Cinema, for a burger. Now, it must be noted, these are EXCEPTIONALLY good burgers.



I decided this was a good enough reason to put pants on, so newly panted, I went with her & her friend Nadia to get said burger.



Strike 1.

The lift up to Rooftop Cinema was broken. So, we got to walk up 7 flights of stairs in 37 degree weather. Not great, but ok, the burgers are definitely worth it.



Strike 2.

It turns out that on Sundays they don't do burgers, they get some chef in, and do Japanese food. Nice of them to, I dunno, tell anyone?



Strike 3.

A few days later they send out an email saying how the lift still wasn't fixed, but they thought it was cool, since it meant you had to work for your burgers. I'm sorry, their movie tickets are $18 a pop, and the burgers, while great, at $8.50 each are still small enough that you really want two to fill you up.



Yesterday, Nadia was visiting again, and we were discussing the rooftop disappointment, when she declared that Sundays really were the quintessential burger day. In a flash of insight I realised that this was indeed a Truth (capital T).



With a newly found lust we headed out once more - this time to a Korean place that also did burgers. Korean burgers? Wtf? Well exactly! What better reason to try a place?



Alas, alack, twas not to be, and whilst it was relatively early in the day, they'd closed.



Burger disappointment was once more rising quickly when we spied a nearby internet cafe. A 50c minimum spend bought us six minutes of accelerated googling time, when what should we find?



We found - dear god my head still spins that this exists - a Melbourne specific burger review site, BurgerQuest.com. With reviews of tons of different places that sell burgers. Tips on how to compare different burgers from different locations. Addresses, and phone numbers. And a google maps mashup so we could zoom into the specific location we were and see which burger places we closest (all marked by happy little burgers).



I'm such a big fan of the interwebs. I'm still flabbergasted that such a beautiful thing could exist.



Oh, and the burger we finally did have was excellent!

I've had three separate instances recently where I've asked someone a question, in one medium or other, and had no reply whatsoever.



Now normally seeing such a definite recurring pattern is a really good indicator that there is something I need to learn, or heal.. but I must say, I'm somewhat stymied by this one.



Someone replying "Am busy, will respond soon," "Pardon?" or "I need time to think about this" - well, that gives you something to work with. What if you don't even have that?



Part of the problem is that if you have zero response then you have no information. There could be a ton of possible reasons WHY someone doesn't respond, and yet, with no information at all, it's simply impossible to gauge. Inevitably, it's up to the (otherwise) receiver to try and guess what might be going on - which leaves an essentially random chance that they'll even be close to understanding the truth.



Additionally, people being as they are (myself included), it's typically easier to assume that something bad is happening - thereby resulting in the worst possible interpretation of this "lack of action." After all, if the person had good news (or a positive reaction), why wouldn't they reply, saying so? Everybody likes giving (and receiving) good news.



Of course, these kinds of interpretations must be after the elimination of common likelihoods - lost emails, people being sick or busy, or simply not hearing you.



However, once those are removed from possible explanations, the bad news is that by not responding at all, you more or less ensure that the person at the other end will simply use their own imagination to fill the gaps - most likely to your detriment.



I asked my Dad once, what he'd learnt from being married to Mum for all those years. He replied that you must always communicate, even when, and particularly when, you have nothing to say.



I couldn't agree more.

There are many situations where putting others before yourself is a good, noble, and practical thing to do. Growing up the oldest of a large family, I experienced many of these.



However, I've come to realise that selflessness as a general attitude can mask a lot of ills.



It allows you to abrogate personal responsibility.

By focussing solely on the needs of others, you never need to stop, look, and sort out your own life.



It allows you to avoid fear of failure.

You spend your time helping others with their projects/ideas/life, instead of helping yourself, thereby don't have to face the fact that your own projects/ideas/life might fail. (I've done this a LOT).



Spending money on others before yourself allows you to avoid budgeting.

Buying gifts for (or giving money to) other people, that's a good thing, right (improves their life, you feel good doing so, etc)? So morally it's much easier to not have to think about whether you should even be spending the money.





Ultimately I've realised that a lot of times the act of being selfless is in itself just a selfish (self-focussed) protection mechanism.