just a reminder..
party tonight!

come to swim if you'd like :)

-Rachel

often it feels like Im balancing spinning plates on long poles and i have to constantly keep spinning them or they'll fall off. And then some of the plates get jealous of the other ones, and some of the plates are mad at each other, and some of the plates are fucking each other.. and some of the plates...
ug.
the problem is I love them. but honestly, I love them all to different degrees. One is my best friend, the person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, and the one I dont want to fuck at all. One is my passion, the one I think about all the time, and the one that drives me crazy on occasion. And one, is my relief, and my friend, and my worry.
So, nothing ever really goes wrong. But when I have more than one in a room with me, my stupid catholic guilt starts nagging at me, and I worry constantly that someone will get jealous or someone wiIll get upset at me. I start to feel worry and panic. I want to make them all happy, and I run myself into the ground trying to meet all of their needs.

And what happens when other people get thrown into the mix. What happens when one of my significant others starts seeing someone else, could I handle it? Right now #2 is on a date with a boy. He saw him yesterday and became immediatly infatuated. He got all excited and couldnt talk about anything else for the last 24 hours. I listened, and even helped find him on livejournal. Im sortof kicking myself right now that I even did that, because they wouldnt be on a date if I hadnt helped them out.

Ive been with aj for 7 months now. but what if I was just the new flavor, the new thing, until he gets tired of me and finds someone newer? He swears it wont happen.. why do I feel insecure? what are the poly rules?

So Im feeling kind of emo about a guy Im dating right now. (not alex)
Things have been settling down from the *everything is new and sparkly and perfect with ponies and princesses* stage to the, ok, ive seen you blow your nose, you've squeezed my zits, getting routine stage. Nothing in particular is going wrong- but I'm getting this sense of unease about the whole situation- I cant quite pinpoint one exact thing, and hes still attentive and we still have sex all the time- but I feel like he doesnt find it exciting anymore. He used to have only eyes for me, when I was in a room, to the exclusion of everyone/everthing else. The other day I came over.. he answered the door, didnt even say hi, and went back to the video game he was playing. It took him an hour to say anythign to me. After he was done playing his game, he was sweet and attentive.. but.. its not the way it was. Am I being emo- is this the way relationships get- or am I missing a greater problem?

Today he IMed me about how him, his boyfriend, and two of their friends were going to the razor movie screening. He said that he had tried to get me on the list, but my name didnt make it. I immediatly didnt believe this- this was the first I've heard of this, and apparantly you had to get on this list at least a few days before today. He would have mentioned it to me before getting tickets. I dont think he put me on the list at all.

The reason something like this bothers me- is that Im a huge battlestar galactica fan, and I've been the one person (of all the people he went with) who's been super excited about this movie coming out. I've been re-watching all the battlestar episodes from season 2-present to be completely caught up in time for the movie. Thats like 22 hours of video so far. I asked him weeks ago if he would go see this movie wtih me (since he hates movie theaters and has to make an exception to go see a movie at one) I even cut my hair just like starbucks. We've been watching this show together for weeks now and no one else has even shown interest in the show. And so, when he told me he was going, and that he didnt get a ticket for me, I was hurt. Either he didnt want to be around me- or he's completely thoughtless and didnt even know iI would really want to go. WTF. I just dont belive that he tried to get me a ticket and for some reason the four other people got theirs just fine, but mine didnt come through.

I guess I cant tell if Im just being emo, or if this is the sign of a dying relationship.

:(

Let me preface this letter by explaining a few things. My mom knows I'm a dominatrix and isnt happy about it. She got the url of my website and checks it periodically. Rick is my mom's boyfriend, who currently lives with her- who was dating her 4 years ago and then left her when he got a 28 year old waitress pregnant. He sold his house, moved in with the waitress, and had 2 kids with her. They broke up (she dumped him for a younger man, HA) and he begged my mom to take him back. My mom, who normally makes good decisions (she is totally not white trash in any other way!) is a sucker for men who are bad for her and of course took him back. Anyhow... this is the letter she sent me today.

Hi Rachel,
Saw the lastest pictures on your web site. Can't say I like the strap on or the nipple showing at all.

Is that the only way you make money these days? I do wish you could find another way.

I know Bailey is part of who you are. You keep doing dominatrix stuff and it becomes who you are. I noticed last time you were here that you seemed very hard in some ways and other ways very soft. The hard way was when you called me a sloppy second when I told you I was talking to Rick. Ouch, still hurts when I think about that. The soft way is that you are a comforting, smart , compassionate person. Please don't lose the soft side of Rachel.

Don't you think being a dominatrix is a way to feel control in your life? I don't understand why it is such a stress reliever. We don't have control over anything in our lives except what we choose to do and how we choose to react to something. Let go and let God is what I keep telling myself. I don't have any control how you make a living. I can only hope and pray that you are okay and are Happy and healthy.
Love mom