The delicious dream

Missing my old life...

Smaches — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 04:07:03 GMT

the last year or so, ive mostly hung out with alex's "furry friends here in the south bay. But Im starting to really miss hanging out with other types of people. I miss burners, kinky people, and goths! I miss hanging out with girls and straight men. Im sick of hanging out with people that for the most part have serious mental problems, never leave the house, or want to do anything exciting. Is there anything good happening lately? I miss girls too. I havent hung out with any girls in a really long time.

PARTY TONIGHT

Smaches — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 00:45:26 GMT

just a reminder.. party tonight! come to swim if you'd like :) -Rachel

having a hard time with polyamory right now

Smaches — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 14:41:57 GMT

often it feels like Im balancing spinning plates on long poles and i have to constantly keep spinning them or they'll fall off. And then some of the plates get jealous of the other ones, and some of the plates are mad at each other, and some of the plates are fucking each other.. and some of the plates... ug. the problem is I love them. but honestly, I love them all to different degrees. One is my best friend, the person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, and the one I dont want to fuck at all. One is my passion, the one I think about all the time, and the one that drives me crazy on occasion. And one, is my relief, and my friend, and my worry. So, nothing ever really goes wrong. But when I have more than one in a room with me, my stupid catholic guilt starts nagging at me, and I worry constantly that someone will get jealous or someone wiIll get upset at me. I start to feel worry and panic. I want to make them all happy, and I run myself into the ground trying to meet all of their needs. And what happens when other people get thrown into the mix. What happens when one of my significant others starts seeing someone else, could I handle it? Right now #2 is on a date with a boy. He saw him yesterday and became immediatly infatuated. He got all excited and couldnt talk about anything else for the last 24 hours. I listened, and even helped find him on livejournal. Im sortof kicking myself right now that I even did that, because they wouldnt be on a date if I hadnt helped them out. Ive been with aj for 7 months now. but what if I was just the new flavor, the new thing, until he gets tired of me and finds someone newer? He swears it wont happen.. why do I feel insecure? what are the poly rules?

emo emo

Smaches — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 07:00:07 GMT

So Im feeling kind of emo about a guy Im dating right now. (not alex) Things have been settling down from the *everything is new and sparkly and perfect with ponies and princesses* stage to the, ok, ive seen you blow your nose, you've squeezed my zits, getting routine stage. Nothing in particular is going wrong- but I'm getting this sense of unease about the whole situation- I cant quite pinpoint one exact thing, and hes still attentive and we still have sex all the time- but I feel like he doesnt find it exciting anymore. He used to have only eyes for me, when I was in a room, to the exclusion of everyone/everthing else. The other day I came over.. he answered the door, didnt even say hi, and went back to the video game he was playing. It took him an hour to say anythign to me. After he was done playing his game, he was sweet and attentive.. but.. its not the way it was. Am I being emo- is this the way relationships get- or am I missing a greater problem? Today he IMed me about how him, his boyfriend, and two of their friends were going to the razor movie screening. He said that he had tried to get me on the list, but my name didnt make it. I immediatly didnt believe this- this was the first I've heard of this, and apparantly you had to get on this list at least a few days before today. He would have mentioned it to me before getting tickets. I dont think he put me on the list at all. The reason something like this bothers me- is that Im a huge battlestar galactica fan, and I've been the one person (of all the people he went with) who's been super excited about this movie coming out. I've been re-watching all the battlestar episodes from season 2-present to be completely caught up in time for the movie. Thats like 22 hours of video so far. I asked him weeks ago if he would go see this movie wtih me (since he hates movie theaters and has to make an exception to go see a movie at one) I even cut my hair just like starbucks. We've been watching this show together for weeks now and no one else has even shown interest in the show. And so, when he told me he was going, and that he didnt get a ticket for me, I was hurt. Either he didnt want to be around me- or he's completely thoughtless and didnt even know iI would really want to go. WTF. I just dont belive that he tried to get me a ticket and for some reason the four other people got theirs just fine, but mine didnt come through. I guess I cant tell if Im just being emo, or if this is the sign of a dying relationship. :(

Im a new auntie!

Smaches — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 00:22:32 GMT

My little sister just had her baby today at 8 am after 30 hours of labor. His name is Skyler Echo, and Im going to get started sewing the little guy something cute to wear :)

Letter from my mom

Smaches — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 03:51:03 GMT

Let me preface this letter by explaining a few things. My mom knows I'm a dominatrix and isnt happy about it. She got the url of my website and checks it periodically. Rick is my mom's boyfriend, who currently lives with her- who was dating her 4 years ago and then left her when he got a 28 year old waitress pregnant. He sold his house, moved in with the waitress, and had 2 kids with her. They broke up (she dumped him for a younger man, HA) and he begged my mom to take him back. My mom, who normally makes good decisions (she is totally not white trash in any other way!) is a sucker for men who are bad for her and of course took him back. Anyhow... this is the letter she sent me today. Hi Rachel, Saw the lastest pictures on your web site. Can't say I like the strap on or the nipple showing at all. Is that the only way you make money these days? I do wish you could find another way. I know Bailey is part of who you are. You keep doing dominatrix stuff and it becomes who you are. I noticed last time you were here that you seemed very hard in some ways and other ways very soft. The hard way was when you called me a sloppy second when I told you I was talking to Rick. Ouch, still hurts when I think about that. The soft way is that you are a comforting, smart , compassionate person. Please don't lose the soft side of Rachel. Don't you think being a dominatrix is a way to feel control in your life? I don't understand why it is such a stress reliever. We don't have control over anything in our lives except what we choose to do and how we choose to react to something. Let go and let God is what I keep telling myself. I don't have any control how you make a living. I can only hope and pray that you are okay and are Happy and healthy. Love mom

OMG OMFG OMG

Smaches — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 01:20:44 GMT

OMG OMG OMG so you all know that my sister, who I talk so much about.. is moving out here in ONE WEEK. Well, shes not anymore. Because *drumroll please* she just found out she's 6 months pregnant. JUST found out TODAY that she is 6 months pregnant. Had no clue. I asked her- "Didn't you feel the baby kick? Werent you worried you werent getting your period for 6 months? Didnt the big belly start to worry you?" Her answers were- "I thought it was gas, I have endimetriosis so not getting my period is not unusual, and I was on birth control too so I just thought I was getting fat" So she will be staying in MN with her boyfriend, moving in with him, and preparing for the baby which will be here in 3 months. She had already given up her apartment and quit her job to come out here. O Damn! But I am going to be an auntie for the first time woo hoo! On a side note, you may all know Im from Minnesota- well turns out someone I knew was on the bridge that collapsed and now he's paralyzed. Hes more of an acquaintance, but damn, that really sucks.

BDSM Dilemma

Smaches — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:46:22 GMT

So I have a customer (slave) that has been seeing a lot of me. Im trying to figure out what kind of BDSM hes into, and other than one very specific form of cock torture, I cant seem to figure out what he wants as a submissive. He gets really subby when I do torture him, but I really want to figure out what other kinds of BDSM he would like because lets face it, you get bored doing the same thing over and over again. Anytime I ask him what he likes, he looks all shy and subby and goes, I dont know.... I've tried bringing toys out to see what catches his interest.. tried giving him ideas..but I think hes really shy about the whole thing. Hes defiantly submissive, he gets into a subby head space pretty easily. But other than this ONE really specific cock torture, and wearing leather cuffs and collars and leashes, I cant seem to figure out what he likes. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to approach new types of torture to a slave, or how to get a slave to suggest other ideas for their own torture? One more thing that puzzles me.. I've been keeping track of when hes naughty.. and threaten to punish him. He obviously likes this idea.. but he always likes to argue with me about it- "nuh uh I wasnt naughty" or tries to "talk" me out of it somehow.. I cant for the life of me figure out what the hell he wants me to do. Does he really "not" want me to punish him, or his he goading me into punishing him immediately? Im always scared to try new things, espeically with a work relationship, because I'm afraid of loosing a good paying customer. Anyone have any ideas on how I can be more aggressive without scaring off my skittish but needing something slave? Usually Im better about reading people, so this is driving me nuts.

Ive been busy!

Smaches — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 05:13:17 GMT

Just wanted to let you all know that my brother lost his job- which is bad, but also meant that I get my car back. SOO I have been working like mad, usually every day from like 3-11PM since I have been pretty broke every since I've had no car. I am not ignoring anyone, Im just trying to get a little cushion for burning man and when we move out :) I dont have my own computer at work so I dont have IM- so if you havnt seen me on in a while thats why :) Ill be back to the fun life soon, but for the next few weeks I've got to be responsible for a change, lol see you soon!

Party this Saturday reminder

Smaches — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 03:31:21 GMT

Just reminding you all about the party this sat- please bring booze- if you plan on swimming try and bring a towel (we now have enough ridable water toys for an aligators vs. sharks team water polo match), miniauture water basketball, and two jacuzzi tubs! If youd like to spend the night i have tons of blow up beds set up, but not enough blankets so bring one if you want to sleep over. Safari themed, come dressed or not! Also, still no sound system whatsoever, does anyone have a sound system, or part of one they can bring? That would be greatly appreciated!

My dad is in town for a week

Smaches — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 06:28:20 GMT

ARgg.. I haven't spent any significant amount of time with my dad in the last 10 years or so, and as sad as it sounds, thats been fine with me. But, my dad was having some problems, and then I started to think about how even though hes not that old (52) lots of people have died even younger than that, <Elvis> and then talked to my brother about it who started feeling bad also, so we bought him a ticket to come visit us. For a week. He's been here for three days.. and boy have I been having fun reliving my childhood. I've already had - the Jesus speech -the apology for random childhood issues (which ironially was something he didn't do) -the ten hour long speech about what I should do to the house -the what if your relationship fails speech, complelete with made up what if scenarios. <what would you do if alex became a coke addict> which was majorly random.. alex has never even tried coke as far as I know.. why would my dad pick that? does alex seem jumpy? -"Did I really mess you up when you were growing up"? wow. how do you answer that. Um I dunno. Wait, do I seem messed up to you? I guess the one positive thing that has come out of this so far, is the realization that, most of the things that have been bothering him, do not, and possibly have never really bothered me. Yay for not having daddy issues! I told my dad, today- "You dont have the power to mess up my life- you just dont have that kind of control over me." My dad looked at me strangely and said, "wow, youre an adult now. I keep forgetting that" and I said, "dad- Im almost 30. I've been adult for the last 10 years." Did he not notice? Is that a parent thing, or just my dad, I wonder. Some things I do notice myself doing though.. fanatially scrubbing everything because I know my dad is a neat freak. Waking up early and pretending thats just what I do all the time. Although- I did pack my dad a big giant pipe and leave it on his pillow. He really needs to mellow out. Lol Im going to ride it out, get rid of any lingering guilt about not seeing him for a while.. and see you all on Tuesday.

VIDEO CONFESSIONAL

Smaches — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 02:59:28 GMT

SO, for those of you who were at my party, and those of you who weren't- here is the video confessional that I took at the last party. Some of its funny, some of its embarrasing (for me anyway) and a lot of it involved booze, enjoy! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2770473809994149304&hl=en even if you dont care at all, see a video of Kara licking her own pussy, lol

Going out of Town

Smaches — Thu, 24 May 2007 00:49:09 GMT

Alex and I are leaving tonight to go to Florida for a vacation with his family. We'll be back late Tuesday, so see you all then!

Vagina Dentata

Smaches — Mon, 07 May 2007 07:26:02 GMT

I came across this article today.. this is sortof disturbing and amusing. Think there is any validity to it? http://www.rotten.com/library/sex/vagina-dentata/ scroll down to the picture of the gaping vagina.. that scared even me a little I also found this cartoon.. http://www.pbfcomics.com/?cid=0PBF41029BC-Nice_Try_Zarflax.jpg#43

My mom made the paper

Smaches — Tue, 01 May 2007 00:39:27 GMT

http://www.grandforksherald.com/articles/index.cfm?id=36033&section=Outdoors&forumcomm_check_return&freebie_check&CFID=32175898&CFTOKEN=34093273&jsessionid=88304293e84d36bb1e7b my mom is the one quoted near the bottom- Ginger Flaten. I have no idea how we are related, lol. Im sure if I ever make the paper the headline will be a lot more obscene. Can you guess which one is my mom?

WOW CRACk

Smaches — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 09:52:45 GMT

Wow I just spent two days making a guild webpage for my world of warcraft guild. I am so l33t. I have gained honored status with my coolness faction. Anyone who doesnt play Wow is teh sux! Ok I know you cant read the words on the picture above.. but if you right click and hit view image you will be able to read the words. If you play warcraft I think its a must view.

Instead of One word..

Smaches — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 06:54:54 GMT

Which was really hard for me.. everyone please write a Japanese Haiku about me 5-7-5 Ill give you an example: Rachel the blonde Eats cock and muches box. who will she do next? wow.ok,explanation:last night I took ambien.so normally I can count syllables. here is a new haiku: her haiku is wack. ambien doesnot help.no more tribe with drugs.

Party?

Smaches — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 05:33:14 GMT

So Im thinking about May 11th (a friday) for a party at my house. I checked the citadel calender and thats an all male night.. so theres no conflict there.. anyone else know of anything else that night that might conflict? Here are a few other things I need to figure out for a party: 1) Need the power hooked up to the pool so it can be heated and clean by then 2) We have no furniture. 3) We have a giant empty room perfect for a dancefloor, but no sound system, speakers, or partyworthy music. Im also wondering if anyone has any blow up furniture they may be willing to bring.. I've got an air pump.. :) My ideas so far are upstairs for kinky/sex things.. dowstairs for dancefloor, theater.. and general mingling. Everything else should be ok except for our neighbor who is a huge bitch and will probably complain about the noise, but fuck her. Anyone have any ideas? Or wiling to help bring stuff?

Communication Black Hole

Smaches — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 08:54:14 GMT

So... Greg actually moved out yesterday.. Hes gone hes gone hes gone hes gone. It doesnt feel real yet.. but Im sure once it does I will start planning an epic party! the bathrooms should be mostly done in a week.. the great room floor is done, with a bit of cleaning this house will be semi party worthy, if you guys dont mind no furniture, lol. Greg turned off the internet rather than changing it over, so I will be without internet or tv for the next couple of days. My phone also somehow lost its antennae. so calls are only getting through about half the time. I hope to remedy all of this in the next couple of days but dont feel like Ilve been avoiding you all Im not!

Laughing my ass off

Smaches — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 08:32:43 GMT

So whenver Alex is sad I sit at the computer next to the bed and browse through funny youtube and such videos trying to make him laugh. Even in his worst mood I can usually find something that will make him laugh. If you need one yourself- here are a few of my favorites: The best Revenge on your Ex Ever. http://break.com/index/ultimate_revenge_on_ex.html Some of those crazy fucked up GI JOE public service announcement voice-overs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ-ckU_D1fg I'm sorry, but if this oldschool sesame street clip doesnt have you falling on your ass laughing, your not human: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4VNMERVsC4 This clip is simply entitled: Things you CAN'T do when your NOT in a pool: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4VNMERVsC4 This is the funniest pet trick you will ever see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dna0oWu_EU all I have to say now is "yipyipyipyip uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh ... ....... ....... MOOOOOOOOOO! (this message brought to you by the number 9 and the letters M and J)

Bunny Jam this Saturday?

Smaches — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 19:20:25 GMT

Alex and I go to the Bunny Jam every year- its this club the night before easter sunday, Completely decked out in anything and everything bunny related (and I mean everything- this club is consistently the best decorated theme party I have ever seen) and everyone, I mean EVERYONE dresses like a bunny. But not just ordinary bunnies- there will be playboy bunnies, vampire bunnies, disco bunnies, rabid bunnies, bondage bunnies, you get my drift. There are weird and bizarre shows and contests, people dressed in mad hatter costumes giving out easter eggs (last year I got one that opened to reveal a gold coin with a penis stamped on it, and a small picture of a penis torn out of a porno mag) There are thousands of stuffed bunnies on the floor, hanging from the walls, the celings, everywhere. Blacklights. Miles of fake fur for the floors and walls. The music is something you would hear in your head during an acid trip with the easter bunny. Its fun-! This party is a rave mixed with a nightclub mixed with burning man mixed with a little kids easter egg hunt. Alex is going as a leather bunny and I am a debutaunte bunny. I have several extra pairs of bunny ears laying around- last year cover was (I lbeleive) $15 wearing a costume and $20 without. Its a 2 story club, huge dancefloor, 3 full bars, outside smoking area, in the potrero hill portion of san francisco (so free and easy parking). Anyone who went to the HUNGER should have bunny ears lying around- hopefully I'll see some people there!

DING DONG the witch is dead....

Smaches — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 07:39:43 GMT

So yesterday was a bad day.. I had a million things to do in a million places with a million people and they all needed to be done RIGHT NOW. I walked through the door of my house.. my brother needs something.. the dogs are escaping into the front yard.. alex is talking to his dad who is in the hospital and giving him the "when I die" speech (he's not dying, hes getting better, but we though he might for a while) and greg the evil roomate is bitching about having the carpet in our room replaced (which we can't afford right now) Im stressing because I found out that we are out of money, so I don't know how we're going to finish the house or pay my brother.. the carpet guy arrives and is trying to measure my bedroom over my head, and I'm trying to entertain Terry and Astrea who are leaving. I start melting down, which I don't do often.. but kind of quietly going nuts in my own head whlie trying to maintain a semi-normal facade. I walk into the great room towards the washer and dryer (trying to do laundry at this point as well) and Greg asks me why the doornob had fallen off. I told him I didn't know- it hadn't happened while I was using it, I hadn't even seen it yet, altough several of the other exgternal doornobs have fallen off before and that I had been putting them back on. He then says "you need to stop slamming the doors so hard thats' why they're falling off". At this point the grenade pin that had been tenuously lodged into the bomb that is my brain falls to the ground. I just loose it- I tell him. I don't slam the doors to hard. He says, yes you do. I dont even really remember what I said to him after that. All the shit in my head that I've never ever said to him in the 6 months hes been torturing me just comes out. I start yelling at him about how I know what he says about me.. to be honest I hardly remember what I said to him- two phrases I remember hearing come out of my mouth were "You hear a lot of things that aren't there Greg!" after he accused me of walking to loudly in the hallways, and the last things I yelled as I walked away was "I pay too much money to live here to put up with your shit!" I can't say I felt good about it- but the rational part of my brain was glad that I finally stood up for myself instead of passively agressivly trying to placate him for the sake of getting along. Today Greg told Alex that he can't live here anymore with people who "treat him like that" Alex said that he's sure I feel the same way about him. Greg said that he was leaving on the 16th of April. He was renting an apartment and said he would be out by then. He then mentioned he was putting all the appliances on craigslist (which he did) . So now I have a final fight wiht him about how he can't sell the refrigarator and TV that Alex co-owns and still uses while we live here.. but thats for another day. BUT- do you understand what this means!?! Greg will no longer be in this house as of two weeks from now! He will be leaving and Alex and I will be here until the end of May, when we will be moving to the city YAY! we are looking for a three bedroom rental anywhere in San Fran that takes dogs. Part of me feels that maybe this is Karma's way of telling me that standing up for myself has rewards. Another part of me worries that screaming at someone, no matter how well deserved, is never a positive thing. Either way, Greg will be out of my life. THANK GOD!!!!! April 17th through May 17th is fuckng PARTY AT RACHEL AND ALEX'S HOUSE MONTH! we're going to celebrate with a month of non- greg- partying it up!

Going to Vegas Tomorrow!

Smaches — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 23:22:05 GMT

I just got a last minute, well paying trip to Vegas tomorrow. Does anyone know of any good fetish clubs/events, and does anyone know of any good bdsm, fetish clothing, or lingerie/shoe shops in Vegas? thanks!

sex sex seX sEX sEX SEX SEX SEX!

Smaches — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 09:14:14 GMT

Its 2 AM. I am sitting in the closet with the big dogs because Alex is a different sleeping schedule than me.. (and he got really high and took an Ambien) so Im sitting in our closet.. which is luckily a walk in.. I have his laptop, the dogs.. my sewing dummy, fabric, and sewing machine. I've been making an outfit in hopes of having it done in time for Bagg. I finished up some very cute armwarmers- but I can't stop thinking about sex. I dreamed about an all male Australian burlesque show last night where I ended up taking home some beefy blonde stallion.. very hot until the dream turned into that dream where I live with my mom.. and Im taking him back to my mom's house and he's all "um... you live with your mom?" and I"m all.. its just until I move, its very temporary blah blah and then I wake up. Have you even had a dream that could have been the best dream ever but you either wake up or it goes wrong? I woke up so sexually frustrated (are there any girls out there that orgasm in their dreams?) I feel like I can dream about trying to orgasm.. and I get soo soo close but I can never quite do it.. anyhow.. I took a nap where i dreamed about breaking into this very gorgeous girls house.. tasering her, tying her up and giving her oral sex and fisting her. It was a pseudo- rape scene. I woke up confused as to where that came from.. and then wondered if there is acutally much girl on girl rape reported. Anyhow.. its 2:11 am.. sitting in the closet.. typing my blog.. and all I can think about is Sex SeX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX! so frustrating!

New Toys & Sedusa's Sanctuary

Smaches — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 02:36:22 GMT

yesterday I dommed with a client I have seen a few times- a guy thats big into ball torture. Like, burn them with a cigar torture. Hang 10 lb weights off of them torture. Cattle Prod them torture. This guy can take more pain than anyone I have ever topped. He has yet to say enough. Its a very intersting exercise in restraint- a small part of me wants to see how much pain he will take- even though I know he would let me do permanant damage to him. Anyhow, I enjoy myself with him.. and he enjoyed our session very much because he took me to Mr.S and got me some presents :) I wasn't going to go to Sedusa's, but now that I have a cute new rubber dress to wear I think I may. My only issue is that Alex has to work until lie 10:30, or possibly even later if everything he is fixing doesn't get fixed. I see that it ends at 1 and I'm wondering if I should go.. I want to, but is $40 worth an hour and a half? I know all the "big" Sedusa events start at 8. Has anyone gone to one of these?