...In a Nut Shell

spawnofspawn — Sat, 17 Jun 2006 19:21:13 GMT

I wasn't sure if I was dreaming.... Seriously! I was so excited, but had a relationship well on it's way out with a man who had flat out told me that, if I wanted to have a child, I'd better forget him and find someone else (Since I'd never been pregnant, I continued to use the methods of contraception that I'd always used). I won't get too detailed on his background because I know it would make him feel uncomfortable. I'll respect his delicate sensibilities and leave it at that. Let's just say that an unhappy British illegal alien (with an ex-wife and two older kids) who never "got" me, was in no shape to be told that I was pregnant... much less that I was going to have the child. He was a good man... just not good for me. (And visa versa). In an argument he once asked in anger: "What 40-year-old has Power Puff girl lights strung all over her bathroom!?" Um... this one? My ex-exhibitionism made him completely not trust me. After all, one doesn't flash a Yoni shot on the internet and not want some kind of attention from it, right? Yes... I wanted some kind of attention, but not to actually "hook up" with anyone because of it. If someone found me interesting just because of that and some of the other nudy shots, I'd see right through it and weed 'em out. He couldn't get that. East Londoners can be extremely black & white in their thinking. Between the photos and some of my Burning Man stories, he had me judged, prosecuted AND convicted within a wink of an eye. It hurt my feelings and I became defensive. Anyway, I was too chicken shit to tell him... Seriously... I got someone else to tell him. This infuriated him. It wasn't anyone else's business. With me... everything is out in the open....

In a Nut Shell

spawnofspawn — Sat, 03 Jun 2006 06:37:27 GMT

It was about a year ago that I found myself thinking, “Why am I getting so thick through the middle?” Maybe my metabolism was just slowing down. Some of my co-workers were commenting on how huge my breasts were getting. I just figured I was P.M.S.ing. No reason to believe I was pregnant or anything. After all, I didn't think I could... There I am, 40 years old... never pregnant in my life (not even a single "scare"). For the past few years prior, I worried a lot about not being able to have children. I hoped to find myself in a great relationship in which both of us would make a powerful choice to have a child and when (and if) it would happen, we'd both be thrilled. Every weekend, my boyfriend at-the-time would have his two boys from his previous marriage come spend the weekend with us. During the period of time that I was with this man, I stayed away from Tribe. It made him very uncomfortable because he'd gone on my computer, found my profile and went through all of my photos (I still had a lot of nudity in my gallery at that time). Anyway, everytime we took the boys out, I'd suggest we go have deli food. I'd order pickles for the table, eat them all and then drink the juice. Still hadn't dawned on me that I might be pregnant. By the second week in June, strange things were beginning to happen. I was getting stabbing pains in my groin and thought it was just a weird menstrual cycle (that was on a Saturday). Monday morning came; I went to work, felt fine, drank my coffee, smoked my cigarette and did my usual routine. By noon, I started feeling really nauseas and dizzy. Something felt really off. I commented to my co-worker and told her I was going to have to go home. I described what was happening and told her I never felt like that before. She narrowed her eyes and said, "Humor me. Take a pregnancy test." I said. "Oh, c'mon... I'm not pregnant." She shook her head slowly and said, "I dunno, Rach... Something tells me you should take a test." When I saw that positive line, I couldn't believe my eyes! A warm feeling came over me. I went to my boss and made him take a look... He said, "You're pregnant, Dear." Wow! My eyes were like saucers. "Could it be?"....

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...In a Nut Shell

In a Nut Shell