My Blog

So unfair

StarDogg — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 14:29:14 GMT

I just got the news this morning that my little sister and birthmother found each other. I'm happy for her, but she was going to contact her eventually because she already had her mom's info, it just so happened her mom made contact first. Jen's been 18 for a year now, and happened to be born in one of the two states that gives you access to your original birth certificate. I wasn't I've been sick and trying to track my birth mom down for years, to no luck. I know I've been lied to about her, my parents may have been lied to as well, so I don't even know if the little information I have to go on is correct. As if it's not traumatizing enough to be taken away from your mother at birth, I've been super sick for the past few years, especially this past year. I have NO medical information about my family, and since my doctors are having trouble getting to the bottom of what's wrong with me, this would be super useful at this point. I don't even understand how it can be legal to not give someone access to their birth information, but it is. I'm just feeling angry. It seems like everyone else I know that's adopted ends up finding their parents. I've had a ton of adopted friends find their parents, or have their parents find them. I mean, how can you have a baby, and then NEVER think about it again? My adoptive parents were great, and are actually helping me in my search, but I feel like I'm being screwed over by the universe on this one.

Help! I'm stranded!

StarDogg — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 19:38:55 GMT

Ok, so it's been almost 3 weeks since the failed deer gang initiation (you know, the one where they have to jump out in front of cars and then back to the median?). It's going to be another week before I get my car back, and I have no way to get to work, am trying to hold on to two new jobs, and I'm just plain going stir crazy out here in the boonies (manila). So... does anyone have a loaner car I could borrow for a week until I get my car back? Compensation can be discussed, and I am insured. In the event that doesn't manifest, I have gas $ for rides. Come be my prince(ss) charming and rescue me from my lonely beach bungalow! Call me at 707-407-6836

Operation Toilet Train Cats

StarDogg — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 01:21:18 GMT

Has officially been tanked. I found out that since my cats are blind, once we got past step two, and took the litter and inner rings out of the training insert, they couldn't see which way they were supposed to S*&T off the damn seat!

sleepless in NY

StarDogg — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 06:05:15 GMT

Aaaargh, I'm in NY, at my parents house, and I haven't smoked pot since sunday. I'm totally manic at the moment, and it's probably going to take at least half this bottle of cooks to get me to sleep. I can't even go out and smoke a cigarette, because my dad and brother are up. I would drive somewhere to smoke one, but I've been drinking cooks (although I do have a pba card now). I can't be here without pot. I already almost threw my computer against the wall a whole bunch of times tonight. It's being an ass. Electronics hate me. Please please please let me get tired soon.

blah, again... I need hugs

StarDogg — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 01:59:31 GMT

Another crappy day. Therapy brought up all sorts of shit for me, then the health center switched me to klonopins which do not work as well as the adavan. Then Renee told me she needs more time to work on her school stuff, and that set me off on all sorts of anxieties. I don't take being pushed away that well, and I don't like the come here, go away thing at all. I talked to her about that, and she assured me it's not me, but oh well, I own my insecurities here. Then fucking Herbrechtsmeier and I got in a big arguement in class over how to pronounce the hebrew sound ch. It's a linguistics technicality, but did he grow up with a jewish family, israeli aunts and yiddish speaking grandmas? Did he get batmiztvah'd? Did he spend time in Israel? No, I dont' think so, and if I learned anything from all that, it's how to ch (back of the palate, not out of the throat) and he totally berated me and belittled me in class. This is not the first time, this man has been talking down to me and trying to put me in my "place" for two years, well my place is obviously not in his classroom, so the vp of student affairs is going to try to work with the chairperson so I can finish my requirements though independent study with a teacher that doesn't single me out and try to shut me up. Fuck him,. his arrogant prick attitude. I should have told him to shekit slicha (which would have been polite, since I really don't know how to curse someone out in hebrew, but I'm going to ask some friends about that.) anyways, I need hugs, someone come over and give me cuddles, please.

Yippers!

StarDogg — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 23:52:33 GMT

So I made up my fliers today! I have quit my day job and will be offering dreadlock and full head extension services. I made up a whole bunch of fliers to hand out at Reggae and around town. Spread the word!

I feel blessed

StarDogg — Sat, 15 Jul 2006 01:13:10 GMT

So I spoke to the lawyer today. I had to call a few to find the right Dave Neufeld, but I called this guy, his secretary put me through right away, and he remembered me! I was the first, and possibly only adoption he handled (he was a divorce lawyer) and he had also handled my mom's divorce. He said he has a couple of pictures of him holding me as a baby! I almost broke down in tears right on the phone at work. He also asked me all sorts of questions about how I was doing and what I was doing with my life. It really is such a big thing to help bring a baby into this world. He's going to call me later next week with my non-identifying info. It seems so surreal that this is all happening at once, and right now. I tried searching years ago and gave up because I just kept hitting walls, and got very depressed over the whole ordeal. I had similar things going on in my life too, the baby cravings, excess babies in my life, strange menstrual cycles. But this seems so much healthier this time. I don't think I was in a place to handle this the first time around, I was looking to fill a part of myself I felt was missing and really couldn't go on until I let go of that. I was also very angry with my adoptive parents at the time, and I guess with my birth parents too, for not keeping me. I'm in a very different place about all of that now. I've been having alot of healing going on with my parents, I actually cuddled on the couch with my mom the last time I was home. I'm crying right now at the sheer emotion of that act. I've told both of them that I love them very much, and that I'm not doing this because I don't love them. I also thanked them and told them how appreciative I am of their support in this. Apparently the lawyer had to call them for consent to release the info, and I spoke to them and they gave it. My dad expressed some understanding as well. I told him I was happy that I'm inheriting his capacity for empathy. Mr. Neufeld said that the day he drove my parents and I home from the hospital, they were beaming, and he knew I was going to be one of the luckiest kids in the world. I guess everything does happen for a reason.

Deeper down the rabbit hole...

StarDogg — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 22:46:19 GMT

So I bit the bullet and got the background report on (my mom?) this lady. She's a Pisces. If the info is correct between the report and the obituary I read, this lady had a daughter when she was 14 or 15 as well. That would explain why she did nothing in high school. Crazy stuff. I'm totally scared.

Are you my mommy?

StarDogg — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 23:06:44 GMT

Oooh, my stomach is fluttering.... So when I was home I got the info out of my mom that my birthmom had gone to riverhead high school. I looked at the yearbooks, and found a freaky picture that looks like me. Finding no public records in her name, and not a trace of her on classmates.com. I did a google search for Jeann caffrey riverhead, and came up with an obituary saying that a mr. Lucas had died and left his wife Jeanne (nEe) Caffrey and two kids. I'm assuming this was the widows maiden name. Looking in the public records search again, I found a Jeanne Lucas still in Riverhead who is the appropriate age to be my mom. Problem is, it's $50 for the info. I don't know if I'm getting too excited over nothing, but this woman in the picture looks soooo much like my high school yearbook photo it's creepy. As soon as I can swing it, I think I'm going to buy that info and take my chance and make a phone call. I want to KNOW!!! I feel so impatiient right now!!! Does anybody know what the nEe stands for?

Start spreading the news....

StarDogg — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 06:57:23 GMT

So I made it to NY in one piece today, with all my luggage and my sanity intact. I already miss california. It sucks being homesick for two places sometimes. I have my family here, but humboldt is where my heart is...

I want to ride my bicycle! BICYCLE!

StarDogg — Mon, 19 Jun 2006 03:38:28 GMT

Oh yay, I had such a fun day. I rode my bike all through the bottoms today, and found new roads. I'm so happy I got this bike fixed up. It's old and it's heavy, but that's ok. I've been riding at least five miles a day this past week, and I feel so good about it. I have more energy, I'm sleeping better, and it's so nice seeing all the little things on the way, that you don't have time to look at when you're in a car. The flowers all over, the cows, the color of the water below when you're going over a bridge (Ok, that one's a little risky, but worth it).

Aaaack!

StarDogg — Sun, 11 Jun 2006 02:44:01 GMT

Back to the search for my birthparents. As they say, curiosity killed the cat.

Yuck

StarDogg — Sun, 28 May 2006 19:06:17 GMT

Gross and more gross. My cat just left me a snakes tail as a present.

Wheels!

StarDogg — Wed, 17 May 2006 07:23:16 GMT

Yay oh yay! I'm so excited. I've been hankering for a scooter for a while, but a grown up one, and it magically appeared today! Check out my new wheels for burning man!

Strawberry shortcake!

StarDogg — Mon, 15 May 2006 17:43:47 GMT

Yippie Skippy! I just ordered a bottle of strawberry shortcake perfume online! This was the first perfume I ever had as a little girl. I smelled it again a few years ago and it brought back sooooo many memories. Like, from 3. Tee hee... time to regress!