I play these games with myself, I don’t know if this is how other people get their brains to work the way they need them to…I’m betting not. But this is how I do it.

~
One I’ve talked about a lot before is that I created a habit of always asking myself “What if this was someone else I love?” as a way to be balanced about how hard I am on myself. If this was someone else I love would I understand? Would I be kicking their ass? If this was someone else I love would I be pushing them to do more? Would I be expecting them to be perfect? To be over this? To be completely graceful and gracious and without anger? Would I expect them to step up and talk to someone about this? What advice would I give them? Would I forgive them?

It forces me to put things in perspective. It forces me to explain why I won’t forgive myself if I would forgive someone else…and that usually leads me to extremely valuable insights into me and my expectations of me. It forces me to treat me kinder then I would or damn well explain why.

~~
Another one I play all of the time is “Maybe this is good because…” I play it with little things and giant things. One day I was behind someone who was driving bizarrely and suddenly going way slower then me and then seemed necessary so I got crabby and slammed on the brakes and missed the light sitting behind them. It’s automatic now most times so as I was getting crabby I stopped myself and said “well maybe I was about to get a ticket and they saved me” and I looked up and there was a sign on that light saying it had a red light camera and I soooo would have run through on the orange and ended up with a ticket I can’t afford in the mail.

I also do it for big things. Those are harder…but I find it is always true that they happened for some good reason I couldn’t see at the time so my faith keeps growing. Lots of times on the big things I can’t necessarily think of what the good thing might be, but I still make a point to decide very clearly that this must be for the good even if I can’t see it now.

Playing this game literally makes me happy. It keeps me positive, it reinforces my faith in things working out for the best, it keeps me moving with positive momentum. I do know it is a game and that it’s possible that the good reason I imagine is just in my mind…but more than anything else I find that playing this game makes me more the kind of person I want to be. It keeps me serene, it keeps me from being negative or feeling a lack of abundance or any need to fight with people over stuff.

~~~
One that doesn’t come up very often but seems to be a huge help in the hard times is “worst case scenario” I find it’s very helpful for me to play with other people. The game is you take whatever you fear and you figure out the worst case possibility.
So often we have fear and we do whatever we can to avoid the vague thing we fear…but if we can identify it clearly and shine the light of day on it…it loses so much power. Maybe that requires talking to an expert to find out how things work or maybe it just requires thinking it out.

There was a time when I had a fear that my ex would try to take my sons from me. It was not a founded fear but it pushed me to panic at the hint of the idea of it. He played on that of course. But it wasn’t founded. As soon as I made myself really look and figure out what is the worst case scenario? I realized that the worse case was that he’d blow a lot of money and make me blow a lot of money so that a judge could tell him that he has no case. I talked to my lawyer, I said it out loud and people laughed at me it was so ridiculous. Seriously inside my head it was so dark and horrible and scary…and outside of my head it was so stupid people(including my lawyer) laughed at me for being worried, how could I be worried someone who is going to jail could possibly even begin to take my sons, how could someone who spends months without any contact suddenly come in and take them from their mother who is there everyday and who everyone would testify is a good mom? Even if I wasn’t going to jail he wasn’t taking the boys away from me. Maybe getting a new visiting schedule that would stress me out but even that is not going to happen while he’s in jail.

So I had to adjust what I feared. I can be worried that he’d try that and that it would suck and cost a bunch of money I don’t have and be stressful and hard on me and my loved ones and and and…but the deep down fear disappeared. Because I was willing to face it, willing to really use my imagination and call up the worst possible thing…and see if it could ever be true. That one had some layers to it too. Once the first vague fear was gone then I was afraid of what would I do to pay for the lawyer if that happened?!?(hell idiotboy did do that to me in a teeny way by fighting over stupid stuff and making me pay a lawyer thousands of dollars I don’t have) But again I played the game and another layer of fear was ripped off because I know I’d do whatever I had to do to pay what I needed to pay. If I had to have 3 jobs I hated and sleep 2 hours a night and give up eating anything besides popcorn and water…I’d do it. It’s where my stubborn streak does me good. And even as I know I would do that…in my head it’s playing the worse case game and knowing that would not be necessary.

There are people who should NOT play the worse case scenario game…it’ll push them in the negative momentum, it’ll get them all worked up and spinning worse than ever. But for me (and interestingly enough most of the Tauruses I know) it is like cold grounding water on my face. I can face anything if I know what it is.

So…am I the only one who does stuff like this? Plays games with my mind to make it do what I need it to do?

~~~*~~~
Zen says that if you drop knowledge - and within knowledge everything is included; your name, your identity, everything, because this has been given to you by others - if you drop all that has been given by others, you will have a totally different quality to your being: innocence. This will be a crucifixion of the persona, the personality, and there will be a resurrection of your innocence. You will become a child again, reborn.

Osho Dang Dang Doko Dang Chapter 7

Commentary:

The old man in this card radiates a childlike delight in the world. There is a sense of grace surrounding him, as if he is at home with himself and with what life has brought. He seems to be having a playful communication with the praying mantis on his finger, as if the two of them are the greatest friends. The pink flowers cascading around him represent a time of letting go, relaxation and sweetness. They are a response to his presence, a reflection of his own qualities.

The innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike, but not childish. The innocence of children is beautiful, but ignorant. It will be replaced by mistrust and doubt as the child grows and learns that the world can be a dangerous and threatening place. But the innocence of a life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the ever-changing wonder of life.
~~~*~~~

Wow a great description of the journey I've been on these last few years! I can see it all over my life and myself. It's funny it mentioned name and identity because I've been feeling it become more and more important to leave behind the name that was chosen for me and move on to the name I've chosen for myself. Very much for those reasons. To do that I have to have money. It will cost me about $400 to change my name. (man I remember when it was $15 for the notary public and so easy!) and I definitely don't have $400 so I've been thinking about money.

Infact I have found that I've been thinking alot about money recently. Thinking about the balance between paying my lawyer to get my ex to be responsible for helping support the boys. I hated being there in that place of spending money on a big process of saying there isn't enough money. It disgusted me. But I finally got around that and it's good I did. Now at least my ex owes me the amount I spent on the lawyer, well besides the couple of thousand I already paid before. So by facing the reality of the money situation I might have a chance to pay my lawyer. That's a big step. In the past I would have said "no money isn't important enough to me to fight over" and then I would be screwed. But something shifted in me and suddenly money was connected to responsibility and then I had no trouble standing up for myself to the point I thought was more than reasonable. I probably should have fought more toward actually fair as opposed to more than fair but I'm giving myself a break since this is huge progress.

The other thing that keeps bringing money into my mind is missing my sweetie. I know I know how freakin mushy is that? He goes to work and I miss him by the time he gets there(o: I want him around more! So I've decided we will be rich(o: seriously I decided. I also was thinking how much we'd all love to go on a vacation. People go on vacation...it's so bizarre to me. Like they just do it. I want to do that. I want to take my boys to Disneyland and go visit my grandparents and NK and DK and OH OH Quel is down there too huh? I'm sure I'm missing people. But my point is that costs money. So I've decided to have some.

The thing that I realized is that I have always had this idea that you only get so much, and if I was only going to get so much in life...I was totally going to pick deep instead of pretty, wise instead of educated, into important things not monetary things. And if those are the choices I totally made the right ones.

But the idea has been creeping up on me lately that those are not the choices. I mean I can make those choices and make it true. But I believe I can also choose a balance that includes financial abundance. I'm not willing to sell my soul for it, or do anything that goes against my beliefs...but I am now willing to be open to it. I am willing to allow financial abundance to flow to me. I am willing to see that it does have value and importance beyond "I just want to have enough" I've always said I didn't care about money I just wanted to have enough. and somehow I have always had enough and what a huge gift that is. But I'm ready for more. I'm ready to want and accept more than enough.

So here is my message to MsDivine aka TheUniverse! I am continuing to let go of my knowledge. I am letting go of the things others have put on me like my given name. I am letting go of the things I've put on myself like the idea that I have to chose between making money too important and not having any more than enough. I embrace the free falling feeling of letting go of all of these strings that have been wrapped around me. I am ready to be simply me, I am ready to be rich and abundant in all ways, I am ready to be innocent and joyful in my wisdom. I'm ready.

So tonight I was eating pea pods...and I had this bizarre allergic reaction. I had no idea anyone was allergic to pea pods. But it made my throat itchy beyond my ability to deal with it so I broke down and decided to have some Benedryl...one teaspoon of children's benedryl...They suggest 1 to 2 teaspoons for children ages 6-12 and I took one teaspoon.

and then I was so spaced out I forgot to load a page to read, was having to think really hard to respond to IMs in a discussion I was having with MsMary about allergies to Peas and such...apparently they are related to legumes and peanuts so I should watch out for weirdness when I have peanut butter or whatever.

and then I was talking to my sweetie and he suddenly started laughing at me...apparently I was slurring my words

Oy. I always have weird reactions to medicines.