we went to a place near the lake...a door carved into the rock with two channels on either side...a place sacred to the Inka...a place that they found there...they did not build it...as many things in Peru turned out to be...

the shaman instructed us to kneel down and place our third eye over the circular indention in the middle of the doorway...

immediately i knew that he wasn't quite using the device to its full potential...that there was more...

i did as he suggested and felt somewhat of a connection...then...my hand drifted over to the right on the rock face...i felt my fingers connect perfectly into grooves in the rock and immediately began manipulating some sort of control panel...i thought to myself..."thats interesting"...

my left hand searched for similar access on the other side...but found nothing...which was also "interesting" (its all just perception and data right!!)...then suddenly my hand slipped INTO the rock and gripped some sort of handle...which "of course" i pulled and pushed and twisted experimentally just to see how it worked...

once the "doorway" was activated...i stood up...and suddenly knew what to do next...

i backed myself into the doorway...let my heart chakra settle into the spot over the circular indention....and poof...

it was like a vacuum seal formed over my heart....sucking me backward and securing me to the rock...and then the sound came...like standing beneath a huge helicopter blade making a LOUD sound..."whoomp, whoomp, whoomp" and the air pressure changing as the blades went over...

seven times this happened...seconds passed...i waited...i watched...

seven perfect "copies" of myself left, sent backward through the door...before i even had a chance to think it was over...the seal released itself and i fell forward and slowly got to my feet...

the shamen looked at me with concern...and for the first time i thought..."wow...that could be bad" (hahahaha)...but then my guidance told me to "relax..." and that the "others would return to you in one moon cycle"...and "not to worry"...

so...

last night was the full moon...and they came back...

i feel better...gonna take some time to integrate this...more time...my humility grows...my heart breaks...

still may move to austin...mayhaps not...striving for some quiet...some peace...thanks to all of you who are loving me and supporting me through this...from the bottom of my heart i feel love and gratitude for your presence in my life...you know who you are...

<3

animus

here is the update my loverly mirrors...many of you will know this story already...but here it is in a short version...as short as i could get it...

all my life i've been obsessed with magick and metaphysics...focused on learning and practicing as many modalities as i could ever get my hands and head around...no stone was left unturned...and all done from a very methodical and scientific frame of understanding. all i knew was that there was something odd going on with this so called "reality" and i had to understand what it was.

this obsession has, needless to say, gotten in the way of me living anything close to a "normal" life...tried to be normal and balance my other interests with that world but failed to integrate these things in any real way...this all left my dreams of a quiet and content family life very unfulfilled and me in a place where my children were far from me...

a few years ago i moved to seattle...following my "guidance" (i.e. the voice inside my head, my higher self, my intuition) and although i did not understand why i needed to go i went anyway...leaving my kids was heartwrenching and i listened and moved anyway...

in seattle i met amazing people and learned many things both magickally and in opening my heart...living in my heartmind more...and of course all the remote viewing, the NLP training, the astral projection stuff at Monroe, merkaba light body activation, advanced energy work, tantra practices, and finally something called "matrix energetics" which teaches how to literally drop their consciousness into the quantum field and work transformative change from that space. this final piece of the puzzle was apparently just what i needed to get me ready for a recent trip i took to Peru. again...without any reason I knew that i needed to take a trip to Machu Pichu and go to this place called the "gate of the sun"...

not sure what i was supposed to do there but i knew it needed to happen.

so i got there i sat in meditation and "saw" some sort of energetic structure under the mountain that was not fully functional...it was missing pieces...and suddenly i knew how to "fix it" so i manufactured the parts and installed them and started the thing back up. it pulsed and flowed with energy...suddenly it was complete and i was done...it was just that easy...

everything i had previously done had led to that.

about halfway down the trail i felt a weight lift out of my body and i knew that i had completed my karmic task for this lifetime...the burden of it, the obsession of it, left my body and i felt such relief that i had to sit down on the trail and cry...

got back to seattle and took some time to integrate and understand what had happened. all my previous plans to continue to acquire more skills and tools suddenly fell away and i was left with nothing left to do.

so...with complete freedom to choose i thought through the possible permutations...it breaks my heart to leave my beloved seattle and the amazing friends and lovers there...but how can that outweigh the opportunity to be back in austin, be closer to my family, and finally be a parent to my kids?? my daughter Caitlin is moving to live with me and finish high school and go to college (she is 16 now)...AND the real bonus would be that my son (Ethan is 9) lives in houston with his family and so I would get to see him exponentially more than the last few years being all the way out on the west coast...

i am of course deeply conflicted about this but feel at this point in my heart that this is the right thing to do...

and so now i wonder what's next...with love and gratitude always...

pax

On a day when the wind is perfect
the sail just needs to open
and the world is full of beauty.
Today is such a day.

My eyes are like the sun that makes promises;
the promise of life that it always keeps
each morning.

The living heart gives to us as does that
luminous sphere,
both caress the earth with great tenderness.
This is the breeze that can enter the soul.

This love I know plays a drum.
Arms move around me;
who can contain their self before my beauty?

Peace is wonderful but ecstatic dance is
more fun, and less narcissistic:
gregarious He makes our lips.

On a day when the wind perfect
the sail just needs to open
and the love starts.
Today is such a day.

-- Rumi

All dharmas are projections of mind.
As for mind, there is no mind; mind's nature is empty.
Empty and unceasing, mind appears as anything.
Investigating it well, may I settle the basic points.

Projections which never existed in themselves, have been confused as objects.
Awareness itself, due to ignorance, has been confused as a self.
Through the power of dualistic fixation I wander in the realm of existence.
May ignorance and confusion be completely resolved.

It doesn't exist: even buddhas do not see it.
It doesn't not exist: it is the basis of samsara and nirvana.
No contradiction: two-in-one, the middle way.
May I realize the Nature of Mind.


The Third Karmapa, Rangjung Dorje