Yesterday I learned that in exchange for all the blood, sweat, and tears, all the nights of very little sleep, all the overpriced mandated tests, all the agony over group projects, all the stress of working in a classroom that's not my own knowing what I know about pedagogy, all the pain and agony and stress that has come into my life this semester through the teacher ed program at San Jose State will someday be rewarded by the state of California and it's lack of sufficiently educated teachers by way of a guaranteed job and health insurance. (Perhaps I knew this already but it felt like new information yesterday...) Having just lost my Medi-Cal health coverage in the same week because my family now falls in that in between spot that so many families do where you make too much to get government assistance but not enough to actually live on and still see a doctor when you need to. I quickly calculated how long it would take for me to finish the program, taking into consideration my doctor's recommendation that I cut back because the stress is aggravating my preexisting conditions. (The random adrenal hormone rushes I get while in class make life interesting though.) I'm trying to gauge how long my thyroid can hold out before I'll need medication. I'm trying to gamble on my health. So what do I do? Do I take it easy on school, making the program take longer but knowing I might be better physically at the end? Or do I keep going full time against my doctor's advice and hope I'm still well enough to teach in a year and a half when I get the job and health insurance? I'd like to think I'll still be ok in a year and a half, you know? But life is more than just school. There's kids and relationships and family and no matter how much I enjoy having those in my life, they also count as stressors too. (Removing them is likely to cause even greater stress, so living with them is a far better option, I think.)

I've done a lot of wishing, hoping, and attempted divination lately. It's like a desperate attempt to make sure I'm making the right decisions. Lack of faith in myself. When what I need most is to trust myself. I need to trust my own instincts, especially if I'm making decisions based on them. I don't have the option of writing letters to God. I gave myself a religion that depends on me to create my own miracles. I gave myself permission to trust and believe in myself.