THOUGHTS ON EVIL DOCTORS AND MONSTERS

SOMETIMES I'M SNEAKY

Swaz — Tue, 13 May 2008 23:16:38 GMT

Sometimes I'm sneaky as you can see in this surveillance photograph. I'm not sure what I was doing with these babalicious hotties but I'm sure it was something sneaky from the look on my face. I can't help myself though. My whole life I've "suffered" from a little-known malady called "Sneaker's-Syndrome" first identified by Dr. Hedley Sneaker at the Mt. Sianai hospital for the incurably insane in 1895. According to the DSM 3 book, people with Sneaker's-Syndrome have an overwhelming desire to act sneaky. Even mundane tasks like buttering toast must be done in clandesine ways when no one is watching. See? I just did something while you weren't looking! There! Haaa! Did it again. Swazzie

MORE REASONS TO LOVE ME OR HATE ME

Swaz — Mon, 12 May 2008 06:52:28 GMT

Ahh yes. Everyone knows I have a big hard-on for swastikas. Why? I think they're magical. I think they're beautiful, and for lack of anything better they are the defacto "outlaw symbol". Okay I know what you're saying, "Is that oppinion or fact? I thought you were either a Nazi or a Navaho to wear one." Well sorry to burst your bubble but the swastika has been adopted by all races and colors as a symbol of rebellion and rejection of mainstream society. There are certainly those who would fight to claim ownership of the swastika but the fact that black and Puerto Rican bikers (Ching-A-Lings) wear colors with a swastika motif only bolsters my case. Okay so what my point? Skinheads and Hardcore Nazis nationwide probably doesn't exceed twenty thousand. Bikers on the otherhand number in the millions. Of couse the "one percent" clubs constitutes only a small portion of that (the Angels, Pagans, Jokers, Banditos, Outlaws et al) but that one percent easily dwarfs skinheads by a wide margin. I don't ride but I do identify with the "one percent" mindset. And this is interesting....hippies hate me because of my swazis while Nazis hate me (no love lost there) because of my "niggerhair". Actually I'm sort of notorious for starting fights in their chatrooms...Haaa. Anyway, fuck the rules, I do what I want. I offer a picture of the Ching-A-Ling back-patch for your perusal.

SEXY HOSPITAL FASHION SHOW

Swaz — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 00:05:54 GMT

NEVER volunteer to be in a "Sexy Hospital Fashion Show". The first thing they do is make you strip and put on a garment that makes your ass hang out. Then they shoot you up with morphine. After a while you and all the other models will look like I look in this picture. Happy little zombies with your ass hanging out. Then without warning they parade all of you, asses and all, down the corredor and through a gauntlet of nurses and doctors. They whoop and hollar and pinch your ass and throw confetti. It's like a big "ass party" for people in the medical profession who have never seen one. It's really humiliating but the morphine is great.

DELICIOUS CLINT BEFORE THE CULT

Swaz — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 04:53:14 GMT

Oh yeah. It's more pictures of EmergNsee '07. Isn't it funny that the people who make everything happen behind the scenes are the least appreciated? Well I saw Clint dripping with sweat from all of his constant knob twisting on his soundboard and decided to give him a beer. Later on I gave him another. Then the beers started piling up on his soundboard because everytime I walked past I'd kick him down another. Eventually I hung-out with him and his partner, "backstage". His partner was actually the only person to recognize me out of 50,000 people at Burning Man a couple of months later but I was too hung-over to communicate. Sorry dude. So this is a pic of me and him with a healthy buzz on. A few weeks later he felt obliged to invite me to lunch and we hung-out for a bit. Later he even invited me to a party with a 15 minutes heads-up, but he told me to play nice. I'm not sure what that meant and I was already in bed. Oh well. Last I heard he went to Mexico and joined a cult down there. Nice knowing you Clint!

BEFORE MY RECENT PENIS SURGERY

Swaz — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 21:20:10 GMT

I don't know how many times doctors have operated on my "Frankenpenis" now. I've lost count. You girls always want longer and harder so I try and give you what you want. Call me Mr. Metalpants. This piece I'm holding is just part of the massive construction effort that you can see from the photos in the background. Too late to turn back now. When the new vibrator model comes out I'll let all you girls know.

THE MORPHINE AND PUDDING CLUB

Swaz — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 17:03:51 GMT

Ahhhh. Morphine and pudding. What everyone should have for breakfast after shattering your ankle. The pudding tastes so much better with the morphine too! They should just mix them both together! Mmmm. I bet that snack would fly off of the shelves. Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to say that MY morphine and pudding is better than YOUR morphine and pudding. So there! Nyaaa!

ME AND SOME CANADIAN JEWS

Swaz — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 01:21:47 GMT

It was June of '07. The EmergNnsee Festival. I found myself wandering aimlessly at dusk, drunk on what was probibly my second half-rack. I happened upon one of countless groups of hippies gathered by a bus. For whatever reason G.G. Allin came to mind and this freaked-out tofu-mom covered her child's ears and rather hastily ushered it away. Before I knew what happened, a guy in a funny green robin-hood-looking hat, or so it appeared at the time, grabbed my bicep and walked me across the road to drink with him and his friends. He was a Jew as it turned-out. Not just any Jew however. A Canadian Jew by way of South Africa. One of those "exotic" Jews you hear about but never meet. They gave me Jew-drugs. Never found out if it was placebo-jewdrug though because I ended up taking more of somethingorother later. They had a violent history these exotic Jews. They regaled me with stories about breaking biker's arms with baseball bats. Just the sort of rarified conversation you'd find swimming in a sea of hippies. I was greatly amused. MY SORT OF PEOPLE I thought to myself. I tried to start a fight. I made fun of their noses. Another Jewish Chika came by, although I think she was a domestic variety. I continued on about noses and none were surprised to find I had had mine broken three times. They tried to sleep but I wouldn't let them. I rolled-up some kid in a sleeping-bag and dragged him about. He was just some strange little hippy-offspring unattached to my fine kosher fellows. His Mom took him away. We sat upon a desheveled old car seat that you would find in a junkyard. I showed them wrestling moves and placed two of them in headlocks simultaniously. The girl became vaclempt. She eventually disappeared to be replaced by a rather alien-looking schnauzer dog in a ballerina get-up. I thought she was sexy she but did a Houdini on me. Oh well. Then it was more drinking all around until I noticed I was the only one without sideburns. A masculine trait that always escaped me for some reason. They laughed occasionally and made comments in Afrikaans, the language of South Africa. I thought it was perhaps their murder schemes and how to grind me up in their butcher shop. That's actually pretty funny when you're me. Couldn't understand a word they were saying but laughed heartily right along with them. I thought eventually I'd be bludgeoned with something. But the bloodshed never came. Either they really liked me or they didn't want to spoil the peace-party. We ended-up partying for quite awhile. I took a liking to those Jews. Funny hats and all.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONNY

Swaz — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 10:08:19 GMT

Good cheer goes out to Sonny Barger, President of Cave Creek, Arizona HAMC (former Predident of Oakland HAMC) who turned 69 years old October 8th. May there be many miles before you. Support your local Red And White!

NECROPHILIA

Swaz — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 13:07:34 GMT

Yes. I like pictures of skeletons. Yes. I like pictures of hugging skeletons. Does that make me a necrophile? I mean you have Eros and Thanatos in the same picture. I think it's kind of sexy. Now who was it who said that all human actions were motivated by either sex or death? My pills make me forgetful.

SPIDER WOMAN

Swaz — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 05:27:25 GMT

I drempt of a beautifully evil spider woman who wrapped her legs around me. Alas it was only a dream.

WHY CHICKS DIG ALIENS

Swaz — Mon, 07 May 2007 08:15:32 GMT

I ran across this picture in one of my many many books recently. The first thing that struck me was how satisfied the chick in the photo appears. Do you think she just had her first orgasm with an alien? All of the UFO abductees talk about how horrifying it is to be molested by aliens. I think this one really dug it. I mean how can a guy compete with all of those tenticles? She'd have to get it on with three guys to get what she could have with one alien and all of his sex tenticles. One in her pussy, one in her ass, one tickling each nipple. Hell he's even got special "nipple suckers" I bet. All that and her mouth is still free to, I don't know, smooch his big alien head all-over. I bet his female counterpart is ugly as fuck but probably gives orgasms that are "otherworldly". Now the question is if I want to give it a try with some tenticled alien bitch, do I have to stand on my roof naked with a flashlight, or just run an "alien personal ad"? Swaz

I WANNA BE YOUR MOTORCYCLE!!

Swaz — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 13:16:01 GMT

This message goes out to all hot nekkid babes with wind in your hair. I WANNA BE YOUR MOTORCYCLE!! I am ready to ride. Thankyou. That is all. Swaz

HOW COME THOSE EVIL GERMANS HAVE ALL OF THE FUN?

Swaz — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 21:33:52 GMT

If you can read this I'm curious to know what it says. Tuxedo spanking party? Looks like terrific fun. Swaz

MY NEW MONSTER INVENTION

Swaz — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 10:19:24 GMT

THE CLINGY ZINGY! Now everyone can have robotic monster television-sex anywhere you can access the net! It's simple plug-and-play WYSIWYG! At home or in the office, it relieves tension and improves your overall sense of wellbeing. Has both automated and manual settings. (One year limited warranty) A great Christmas or birthday gift. Buy yours today! Send 5000.00 to: Swazco Robotics 88 Industrial Parkway Beaverton, Oregon 97225

ALL THE SEXIEST MONSTERS WEAR MONSTER BRIEFS

Swaz — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 02:09:13 GMT

Yes it's true. Since I am such a sexy monster I must wear monster briefs. When chicks find-out, they cautiously approach me and inquisitively ask, "So Swaz, you sexy monster, what do you wear under your big monster clothes?" I politely inform them that only the sexiest monsters wear monster briefs. Then they usually either get embarassed, or they ask if they can feel around in them for my big monster parts. You know, it goes with the territory. Once the word is out you just have to deal with it like all the other sexy monsters. Anyway, if you see me on the street and want to see them, invite me somewhere private. I hate showing my monster briefs in public. Graaaarrrgh! Swaz

MY PRANKSTER DOCTORS

Swaz — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 10:15:43 GMT

My doctor was a real prankster. He broke-out this stainless steel bone-saw for amputations and started sawing away, but then he told me, "YOU'VE BEEN PUNKED!!" After a good laugh at my expense, it was laughter all around and they finally put me under. Goddamn prankster doctors. Instead of amputating he put eight screws and a plate in it and since my achelies tendon was compromised, I was sentenced to as much bed-rest was needed for it to heal. That was September 9th. Then I had a galbladder attack in February. Wanna trade places? It's nice to still have two feet! Swaz

THOUGHTS ON BECOMING A SEXY MONSTER

Swaz — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 05:40:40 GMT

Those of you that haven't been notified should be aware that I am now a seven-foot-tall monster who's mission is to pick-up chicks. Before I was a seven-foot-tall monster, chicks would hate me trying to pick them up. They would throw drinks in my face and call me names. But now, they really seem to enjoy it. They swoon at all of the metal in my ankles, and look longingly into my big pupil-less eyes. They compliment me on my giant monster arms and big monster clothes. I don't know why I didn't become a monster before! Actually it was a six-month convalescence spent mostly in bed and doped-up on pain-killers. Then the other day I awoke, you know in a Kafkaesque sort of way, and TAA DAA! I was this big sexy monster. Thankyou ladder for almost chopping my foot off! If not for you I wouln't have all of these screws and plates in my lower extremities that the chicks seem to dig so much. And thankyou too to all of the doctors who kept me well stocked with "monster-metamorphosizing-medicine". So guys, if you see me at the clubs picking up all the hot chicks, don't be jealous. It takes a lot of time and effort to become a giant monster. It's really boring and miserable at first, but once you wake up all "monsterlike" the first thing you'll say is, "Why didn't I almost chop my foot off and then get a gallbladder attack BEFORE??" And to all the hot chicks, anytime you want to get picked-up just give me a wink and you'll be out of your chair before you can say "oxycontin". I look forward to seeing each and every one of you soon! Gaaaarrrgh! Swaz