it's about time....Wed, November 22, 2006 - 7:59 PM
for a long time, my mind has been dwelling on a certain someone that has dominated my life for a long time now, about a third of my life at least now. that's a long time now. I mean, seriously, when you're 22, a third of your life is forever, and when you feel something like that for someone at that early of an age, it consumes you. I know a lot of people are saying, "yeah, I felt that," and I have no doubt that you have, but in my case it was ridiculous. I lived, breathed, and slept for this person. my close friends can attest, without this person I was nothing.I dreamed of her every night, even when I am the type of person to not dream. every song I learned, every whisper I heard, sounded like her voice, breathing through my ear as if I was nothing. forgive me if I am dwelling a bit, but the impact needs to be there. Seriously, as intense a feeling as you've ever felt about someone in your life, multiply that by ten and that's pretty close to where I wish I could have been when she left. I've felt a connection to her that reaches entire life spans if you believe in that. I can distinctly remember her in other lifetimes, seeing her face, the way she looked at me even in lifetimes so distant passed that I can't place the time period. She was the one who completed me. she was the other half to my whole.
now, here I am, and I'm beginning to grow in my current state. trying, struggling to grow beyond her, into myself. A few months ago I think I finally achieved that. the self realization. as much as I stressed the last feeling, I can't even begin to stress this realization. it just doesn't even compare. myself, as a single entity, not dependant on another for a whole feeling. a company i like working for, a different company, something of my own I'm trying to build. my own creation, seriously, something that i love and can do forever without care if it impresses another because I know it will without effort. Truly in love with myself, without an autopheliac feeling towards myself. I can honestly be my own person again, a whole thing rather than a half.
I met a girl a while ago. I'm talking about a year. She had a picture on her tribe profile that had a light saber in it, and said she was from San Diego. I realized I had to talk to her. Not so much because she was amazingly attractive, or because she was female and I was male, but because the shear passion I saw in her face, the connection to Star Wars (yeah, I'm a geek), etc. I didn't care what happened, I wasn't even really looking for anything with this girl, I just wanted to converse with her.
It turns out she lives in the UK. She was looking to move out here. A bit of a let down, but we still had awesome conversations. Random things about what was going on in each others's lives, politics, etc. I would consider her a good friend, regardless of her distance from me, and regardless of the fact that I've never seen her face to face.
Coming forward a bit in the timeline, I meet this girl. I know she's in the US on vacation, and I call the number she left me so that I could contact her while she's out here, and tell her that I'm gonna be at a pub in her area for a bit. She says "cool, we'll be there" (forgive the quotations, that's not an exact quote, just something close to resembling what she said), and off my roommate and I went. We met her at the pub, abducted her, hung out with her for a while, and I gotta say (people who know me well will say "oh, he does this a lot") quickly fell in love. Now, yeah, I know, I fall in love quickly, or at least I did. I used to be a person, not knowing who he was, in a place where he craved love, one person (a certain person) would even say that I was in love with the idea of being in love. But that was then. this is now. it's an amazing thing how people can always say that, and regardless if they mean it or not, no one pays any attention because -everyone- says it, but I mean it ("yeah right," i can hear you all saying). This time I am a whole person. I know what I want out of life. I know where I'm going. I know what I'm doing, and I know what I'm looking for. This person, also has their own life, knows what's going on for them. Sure, we're both kind of lost in life, but then, who isn't. and that's something we've both come to grips with on our own, before meeting each other. and in -that- fact, i think we have formed a bond more powerful than few other people on this world.
through her i have met amazing people. Storm, Fox, Karinina (sorry if I spelled that wrong, I'm terrible at spelling as it is, and I'm down about 1.75 bottles of wine to myself), Pink Daddy, and everyone else, and I hope she's met some amazing people through me. I don't care if people are pirates, or ninja's, or frellin (yeah, I got that from you =\ :P) ant eaters, you are all amazing. I love you all, and I am truly glad that you are her friends, and I hope you consider me a friend as well.
In the end, as I'm sure this is plenty long, and anyone who actually read this whole thing is not asleep, I love you, April. From the bottom of my heart, you are not the one who completes me, rather, you are the one who compliments me. My one, plus your one, equals two, rather than half plus half equals a whole. I can learn from you, and you can learn from me. No matter what happens, I am happy to have met you, as I consider myself a better person just because of it.
That is all for the drunken ramblings for now, so now, I sign off.
Pip, I love you more than I have ever thought possible. I dream of you, not just every night, but every second of every day, and I can't wait till the time that you can come home, and actually call this home.
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Such a poignant and beautiful love story. Yet it is not a story. It is about my dear English girlfriend, Pip, and her dream come true, prince. Enjoy love's magic, and thank you for sharing your heart. Letzzz work on getting your goddess back here soooooon. I miss her too. Love you both.
not very sith like........however......anyone who knows me quite well, or has known me for a while, is aware that for me to fall in love, or rather allow myself to fall in love is unprecidented. you are my exception. no running, no bullshit. just me. you made me smile from the first moment i saw you and i have not looked back since. you have given my life new colours, new hopes (oohhh there had to be a star wars reference in there somewhere...). i love dreaming and planning a future with you, i love standing in awe at the stary night with you, i love watching you sleep, i love coming home and knowing that you are there to talk to, i love that i don't want to hide anything from you, i love you with all my heart, without reservation or doubt. you are my home and where ever the frell we end up is just fine with me as long as we go there togther.
i even love all your friends. (hey guys! miss you too!)
i feel so completely blessed to have you to share my life with. you truely are my bliss.
i love you derek. in all ways.
Hey guys....I am going to meet with friends later. I would prefer not having my eyes looking like I soaked them in salt. I am melting into a puddle of romantic, happy tears as I vicariously share your love for each other.
Breathe.....that's what I need to do...
What a wonderful way to celebrate a day of gratitude....sharing in such a magical bodymind, spirit and heart connection of a dear friend and a new dear friend.
i have been listening to a cd i got for xmas from da momma madge and the chorus of one song has been stuck in my head for days now.
for you my dearest darling
i'd face the darkest morning
you hold out your hand to me
my heart it overflows
and yes, i am so outstripping your would be jaded mood with some highly self indulgent goth depression.
i need to try find a link for this song, or send you a copy.....it really is damn good. 'my heart has found it's home'? c'mon now.....
and yes, i am missing you with extra sprinkles tonight, as i am sure you have noticed by now.......i shall no doubt be in a better mood when morning comes, but for now i sit here lit by fairie lights and i think of sleeping next to you at your dads, with the radio playing and the purple glow from above and smile in the darkness.
i can't wait to be home where i can share my heart in real time, with my own voice and see you with my own eyes.
long after the stars burn out you will have my love