Well its been hard for me to write this blog. I've written it over and over again since about March 9th. I still can't find the right words...and so I think I am trying to sugar coat it for myself...more than anything. So here it goes. And I may I preface by saying that this is NOT a "Poor me...I've got a chronic illness....have pity on me...feel bad for me" blog. Just telling the truth....

As of that date...my disease has come back again...and I've been extremely ill. It made me very depressed, angry, and alot of very negative emotions and feelings. The drugs I was put on made me feel worse than I have felt the entire time. And that says alot. It makes me wonder if my body is rejecting modern medicine for a reason. And why it puts up such a fight and makes me miserable before it allows me to take it. I had nasty spells where I couldn't make it to class in fear that i would just throw up on the floor. The drugs made me so dizzy I could spin for anything in the world without wanting to fall on the floor. Not to mention that the pain made any isolation or movement just ache. Then after that the weather was soo poor and I was catching colds left and right. One sneeze from someone near by and I was sniffing and sneezing shortly thereafter. And its not in my head either. It says so right on the bottle that I'm more likely to catch colds from people and to try to avoid them at all cost. HA! Like that is going to work when I work in a hospital.....all the time....so meh...I've had to curl up on the floor from the pain, and try not to do it in public. One time my husband and I were at Guitar Center with his friend and I had to beg him to sit there and play an accoustic guitar so that I didn't have to get up...it hurt that much. Though right now...my body has decided to let me take my drugs...though I know that I will have to put in firm talks with my doctor on getting me off of them.

I think that modern medicine these days over medicates people and doesn't allow the body to do its own natural healing. Its good for helping it, but it shouldn't be made that a person will have to rely on this stuff every single day for the rest of their lives...especially a person as young as myself. I have all sorts of crazy shananigans to get myself into before i sit around at home and watch movies and play cards as if that was the best thing since instant flakes. I have alot more dancing in me....and I just need for the medicine to stop doing what its doing. So I am trying to get myself together and get my butt back into dancing. I was off for far too long....so I just have to make it work. Drugs most certainly do not like me....and I don't like them. If I could...I'd dump them all in the toilet and not refill a single one of these perscriptions again.

Sometimes I just can't believe that my own body would want to get in the way of what I am passionate about. To keep me away from dancing. To keep me away from alot of other things too. Just the thrill of living. I often just lay in bed curled up staring out the window. But enough of dwelling on that.....

To end this blog on the high note. My husband has signed me up for some workshops i have been dying to go to. Though its not Tribal Fest or Spirit of the Tribes....but it will be a lovely start. I've been making corset belts and bras while laying in bed. Giving me something to do . And when I can get up and go about doing things...I have worked on choreography and started learning how to play the guitar. I am hoping to start my lessons next month...as well as going back to class on a regular basis. Though I will have to ask my instructor on how to modify a few things so I don't feel completely left out in class. And hopefully i will have a performance in July! Which would be really exciting. And I am working on the costume right now. Hopefully I will have more pictures up. Of course it would be nice if I had some other picture than the one I have now. SO thats my goal for this week...is to get some new pictures on here....and work on my choreography. I am hoping to have a video up on Youtube. So then I can get some feedback on what to make better. Thats going to be around next week or the week following goal. From now on...I do plan on posting a blog here once a week...just so that I can hold myself accountable if anything else. So here it goes!!!!!!! Wish me luck...and send all the positive enegry you can spare my direction....I certainly need it.