Dedicated to My Friend Alex Palermo



“The Banana: An Atheist’s Worst Nightmare” is the clip I am lovingly sending out over the airwaves today. This video is a prime example of just how talented the Evangelicals are. Yup, a regular Oscah winner!

Please do your best not to react to this video other than taking it for the Christian Masterpiece that it is. Don't make baby Jesus cry by laughing, OK? You never know if that next lightning bolt that shoots through your window, striking your sinful, Liberal, evil, Feminist, worldly, Gay, Pagan heart will keep you from taking that invisible elevator ride we have all come to know and love as “The Rapture,” which by the way is NOT in the bible.

We find those who come to your door and interrupt a perfectly tranquil day by telling you that you are in with the devil and that you are going to hell to be rude as shit. Next time you find yourself faced with them, you might try responding with something like, “Thank you Sir/Madam for sending me to Christian Hell. Our fearless desperado cult leader the Faery King wants me to ask you if you are a fundamentalist and if you believe in the rapture?”

If they answer yes to both questions, have a stage seizure right on the spot. The Pentecostals and Baptists whip up those frenzies all the time, but they still do not call it dancing because dancing means undulating the hips and booty. In history, when they have been allowed closed societies, they have whipped children for dancing and shunned adults after their spanking parties.

In Nazi Germany, there were thousands of swing kids rounded up and thrown into concentration camps. Many were tortured, starved, and worked to death. The Nazis hated swing music because it was a Black und Jewish conspiracy for kids to jump, swing, and jiggle body parts like they do in Harlem.

“First they love this degenerate music and then they love the Blacks and Jews. This must not be tolerated.” Translation from that great patron of the arts, Josef Gobbles.

(If there is a Christian Hell, may he burn crispy in it forever)

Gee, all that loving and building bridges through the power of music is a dreadful conspiracy. I love Blacks and Jews and dancing in Harlem, and look at how nice I turned out (unless provoked). So, the Nazis were afraid of being overtaken by an army of faery kings.

The Nazis, never above or below using the church, went to parents from ultra-Conservative Christian households, selling the idea of supporting the roundup of swing kids for what was supposed to be tantamount to a spanking (one thing I can attest to the Germans being very good at because the priest who took it upon himself to spank my bare bottom, in hopes of spanking my father’s Buddhism out of me, was Father Johann, a German). Many of these people allowed their children to be taken away for the sake of “moral purity.”

I love Germans, and in the right frame of mind, a spanking can be rather hot, but not when you are nine and at the hands of a zealous priest. Am I linking Vangies to Nazis? There are many ways to bend a cross;

Remember this as your seizure gains momentum. They will think you are possessed and begin to deliver an unsolicited exorcism right there in your living room for all the neighbors to see, as the big one in charge of the missionaries throws tap water he has given the old hocus pocus to and smacks you in the head and says, “HEAL!” (But hey, free exorcism! Yay!)

Get up on your feet because you are about to do the Lord’s work, and point the boney finger of accusation at them and say, “The devil is a liar. You can not be a fundamentalist and play “decider” like W of what is and is not fundamentalism when you are talking about sorcery such as The Rapture. To worship an un-kosher magical event is idolatry.” Fundies take great pride in telling us that the only book they need read is the bible, and anything else written about god, miracles, and good ole Harry Potter is evil. They have backed up this sentiment by throwing everything from Aristotle to Felix Mendlesohn’s violin recordings into a pile and setting it ablaze. Few things are more evil than censorship via bad fire.

Remember all of this and then throw their sanctimonious asses right out the door!

FUNDEMENTALISTS TAKE NOTICE: before you start sending us hate mail, remember we did not make this video. We did not make up the rapture and we would never be so disrespectful of another’s religion, never mind the trees that gave their lives for it, as to burn books; We just find it interesting how many of you dare to tell the royal person that He makes things up in his paganism as though the sacred she/he union is some sort of criminal. Heathen?You betcha!

It is all made up, the product of a tripping apostle named John of Relevation, who lived on a diet in prison of moldy ergot wheat bread (the mold of which is know to be as potent as LSD), and when combined with the acting catalyst of iodine from the fish of the Agean waters, one does not have to guess what inspired the horrific and fascinating visions the poor bastard had while in prison. John may have been beloved, and though not nearly as bad as breast-hating, sexist, old, closeted, homophobic Paul, John would be a bastard if he did not say,
“The keys to understanding the book of some historically accurate hysteria is found in hallucinogens, but no amount of hallucinogens will help one to understand this little nugget.”

So throw some kernels in the popping pot and a cup of really good olive oil or some good, old-fashioned pork lard if you got it. Melt a pound of butter for the popcorn and pour it on in layers. Put the beer in tea cups, and invite the nice members of the local Evangelical church over to have a peek at someone they should excommunicate for a really bad use of the sacred banana as a metaphor.

As the early Christians held communion each and every day at around dusk, you should let some ergot wheat bread go bad (or good, depending on how the spirit moves you) and deep fry some heavily iodized fish, purely for scientific research, of course.
Give all in attendance pens, and see if they too can come up with a book used to terrify children young and old, or even better yet, an entire religion with a history of persecuting any and all who disagree with them in practice or sentiment.

And now for something completely different and speaking of things with Bananas.

www.godtube.com/view_video.php