It's been hard to focus on anything lately.



There are things that are just really keeping me distracted.

My mom has a spinal disk herniation. I have to call in on monday and schedule the surgery. It's supposed to be a quick operation. In and out in less than an hour, and she'll be recovering for two weeks. The pain from the nerves in her legs should be gone almost immediately afterward, which should come as a relief from the pain she's been dealing with for the past few months. It kills me to see her struggle to even walk. So it should be quite a relief for her once this is done. quite a relief for all of us.

Then there's my Grandmother on my Dad's side. I haven't been to the hospice to see her for over 4 years. Every year relatives start talking about how "her time is up". And every year, her condition gets worse and worse. She's in her mid 80's suffering from alzheimer's and god knows how many other conditions that come with old age. I've literally seen people burst into tears just from talking about how her body is covered in bruises, how she's lost control of her jaw and legs, how she drags herself along in her wheel chair by the tips of her toes. And I can't even muster up the courage to go see her. The last time I visited her was for her birthday. I brought her flowers and balloons. It wasn't so much that she didn't remember me. It was just seeing her there in a hospital bed, alone, lost. I guess it was a little bit too much for me. My girlfriend finally pulled me outside and asked me if I was ok. and I've never been back. I can't imagine how my Dad must feel. It's hard to even think about it.

Both of my parents have worked their entire lives. My mom had to quit elementary school to clean houses to ensure her brothers and sisters had any food to eat. My Dad immigrated to California in the 70's to build a better life for the family. To think that they have literally been working since they were children, and I can't even find a good enough fucking job to help keep our house. School takes too long. I can't find anyone willing to actually put work into forming a band that doesn't come with their set of fucking bullshit and baggage. I can't finish work on the first set of the clothing line because the "friends" that were so fucking set on making this work decided at the last minute to bail. I can't even get a job at Coco's because blue eyed girl is too busy obsessing over her now roommate hookup to get me a spot. I can't count on any-body's help because people are just so full of shit. And my relationship with self sabotage has been on such a broken record loop that I'm too focused on putting on a brave face so people don't notice how fucking weak and pathetic I am.

things like this make me feel like the world is saying... "alright kid... time to get older."



Or at least... its how I feel sometimes. Because the rest of the time I see how stupid that is and do my best to slowly take over the world because I am Gabriel-Brave bitches.