I had sucha chilling dream. That it was two years on, and I was only twenty-three, and married to a forty-year old. And fine, you know who you are, I have nothing against you nor your age, but I have everything against the thought of marriage at a young age. And so I woke up in cold sweat.

Wow. Money. Big money. Posh like hell. But still. Cold sweat.

Part of the dream revolved around the decision to have kids, and apart from my anti-kidism, partly because I have absolutely demanding standards, think I'll have bad karma and have bad kids, think I'll make a horrible parent, and think that the current social environment breeds for very terrible and spoilt children, I think the deal with with having kids is a stressful one.

When the couple wants to have a kid, they'll start taking action. E.g. no more contraceptives, more sex, go for checkups at the gynecologist and reproductive specialists should anything fail. Which also translates to more pressure. The deal being wanting to have a kid. To make a baby, a zygote, a fetus, or a what-not.

And then with the pressure and the aim comes the need to perform. Which results in unnecessary stress that may lead to syndromes like ED.

Kids. I guess they should come and go naturally. Rather than the stressful "Fuck, my period came."

My friends with kids or who tried for kids have had terrible ordeals-- some of them, at least. And then for others, the ordeal was after having the kid. Sometimes I wonder what the hell possessed my folks to have kids-- because I know their original intention was not to have one. And out came monstrous me. Who begged for a brother after they decided one would suffice.

And then there is the deal with settling into a routine. This, which is separate from the kids. Marriage, to say the least, involves some sort of big commitment. But if you were to marry after say, two years of waiting, what does marriage mean then? For those who say it's about giving-yourself-during-the-marital-sex, what if that doesn't hold in these times. And for those who go it's about the commitment.. fine, I give up. I do not understand a thing to do with these except for the fact that the more people in your life you are involved with at any one time, the more headaches you get.

The more attachments you get is proportional to the amount of emotional stress.

Si goes, 'You are selfish aren't you? You can settle but you leave it all hanging in the air, in a pseudo-I-see-you style." That I do not want the headaches at the expense of whatever else's going on. I want to have the best of every world, for now.

Someone told me he sacrificed his overseas education after he met his girlfriend, whom he's married to now. I think that's very romantic. But that is something I cannot fathom. Or even any other sacrifice of such magnitude. Even if there are willing sacrificers who are willing to stop playing the field, yadayada, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't be so immensely touched.

And then I also find it dumb how the boy tells the girl "It was because of you that I didn't dare to go out... Didn't dare to find time with my friends." But of course, those are the boys.

The notion of sacrifice to me, entails some degree of emotional investment. Perhaps, the only emotional investments I afford myself are those that I have few choice in-- e.g. I was born into that or gravitated into that for social reasons.

It is not like collecting shoes. That does not entail any emotionality.

I know how I attach little impersonality to these issues, but I find it ungraspable why I fail to grasp these.

For reasons like this, sometimes I think I'm sociopathic.