My new mantra

Fo shizzle.

I think it is a new age mantra.

I caught some late night TV over the weekend. I was not concentrating so well, and it's a little hard to recall. There was some sort of wonderful show. It had these young, happy people who were dancing and singing and having a great time. I think some of them were women. And I think some of them may have been missing some clothes. No matter. The thin guru with the baggy pants, gold necklace, and the sideways hat who was hosting the show (I think he was a guru, because he kept asking for us to send him money) kept saying the words "fo shizzle". As far as I could tell, that must have been the reason those young people were so happy.

I want to be happy too. And they say that one way to be happy is to surround yourself with happy people. So ... fo shizzle.

Leading to this climax

About a month ago I chucked out all of my old shoes. That included an old pair, the only light pair, of Nike hiking boots that had been with me for years. The last few times I went, I wore something else, which isn't kosher, so today I broke down and got a new pair. The thing about hiking boots, because you tend to wear them for long periods of time, is that you must break them in. So when I ran today, I wore them instead of running shoes.

Between the hiking socks and boots, it was like foot sex.

Suddenly the tribes' confluence of bunnies, cuddly and snuggly avatars, chocolate, foot avatars, rubbing feet in oils, hermaphroditic Muppets, avocados ... it all made sense ... the universe, my little universe ... had been leading up to tonight's experience with these shoes. They were tied tight, and my achilles tendon still burned, so you could even throw in a BDSM angle.

I haven't been able to figure out the librarian thing, though.

p.s. Those are my new hiking boots.

What kind of women's shoe am I?

I was following a link to a flawed political survey, and found a more interesting survey on women's shoes (www.blogthings.com/whatkind...youquiz), so I took it too.

1 How many shoes do you own?
[] Too many to count - one to match every outfit
[] About a dozen - some for work, some for going out
[x] A half dozen, but you have a couple pairs you wear most of the time
[] You've got your favorite comfy pair - and a few odds and ends

2 What's the average amount you spend on shoes?
[] No more than $30 ... tops!
[] You can spend $75 or so on your primary pair
[x] You'll spend up to $100 for a nice pair
A couple hundred dollars - you have a shoe addiction

3 Ideally, shoes you wear should have a heel that's:
[] Five or six inches high
[] A few inches
[] An inch or two high
[x] No heel, please!

4 You're getting ready to go a party. The only thing on your mind is:
[x] The few close friends you'll run into. You're excited to chill with people you know.
[] What else you're going to do that night. You'll hit the party - but you have plans afterwards.
[] Who will be there, who you will flirt with, and how much fun you'll have
[] Looking your absolute best - you've got to beat out your biggest rival

5 You've got a pair of heels that make you look great, but they give you blisters. Do you wear them on your hot dinner date?
[] Of course... you'll just pop a couple Advil before.
[] Possibly, but you'll minimize walking in them as much as possible.
[] No way. You wouldn't want to risk the pain.
[x] You don't own any shoes that are uncomfortable. Uncomfortable shoes go straight in the trash.

6 You just got a gift certificate for a pedicure. What color do you paint your toenails?
[] You get funky little designs or an offbeat color.
[] Red, no question.
[x] Something muted and natural. No need to draw attention to your toes.
[] A shade of pink that complements your perfectly tanned feet.

7 No matter what, you wouldn't be caught dead in:
[] Platforms
[] Birkenstocks
[x] Super high heels
[] Ugg boots

8 You've had a long week at work - and you hit the bar with some girlfriends Friday afternoon. What's the first drink you order?
[] Rum and Diet Coke - zero carbs!
[] Any sort of microbrew
[] A martini - classic and bold
[x] A Red Bull and Vodka - keeps you zippy

Those questions, which I answered as best I could given the choices (#6 and #7 caused me some trouble), resulted in: You are Barefoot. I expected Sneakers, but at home (mine and others') that is correct. Turns out a key question is #2. If it wasn't for my expensive running shoes, I would be Sneakers.

How these things get started

Recently Mickey expressed an interest in my picture of the car on Flickr. Something about taking it for a spin around the block. Well, who am I to deny Mickey such a small joy in life? Besides, he seems responsible enough, no?

Two problems.

First. I live in the Bay Area, while Mickey lives in Atlanta. There is no one block that meets our needs, so ... road trip. As a simple, straight drive on speed, that's 2,437 miles for about 36 hours. Well ... in this car, maybe less, but then you have to factor in the costs of tickets. I don't think I do anything for 36 nonstop hours any more, other than autonomic bodily functions. I've done the stupidity of a straight shot from here to Colorado, but that was only 1220 miles and I had a co-pilot. (My co-pilot was also stupid, and the thing about the whole of the stupidity being greater than the sum of the parts, aside from doing the trip in the first place, didn't really set in until the leg back. That involved drink, long legged waitresses, snow storms, backsliding trucks on uphill grades, and making cash off of people stuck in snow storms, who may have been long legged drunk waitresses for all we knew, considering we were too. Drunk, that is. But that's a different story.)

So if I'm going to make this big a road trip, I might as well kill as many birds with the Carrera as I can. So ...

First stop, Paso Robles, where there may still be ex family on speaking terms. It'll either be a quick stop, or take a day or two. Then Santa Monica to see some old friends of my parents. Last time I visited they had an earthquake, so this stop may be short or lengthy. On to Pasedena for some friends and more ex family. They are on good terms, and I didn't have a chance to see them last holidays, so I'll be lucky if I can get out in 2 days, sober. Next would be Anaheim cause you just can't pass Disneyland without stopping in. An extra day at least. Then San Diego for friends. Then back up to Joshua Tree because I've never been and want to. Once there, the camera takes over and away goes another day or two. On to Phoenix to visit long time friends. I used to stay with them for a week at a time, but they are old yet spritely now, so who knows what happens. Then Denver and Ft Collins, where some co-workers, ex roommates, and half of a former volleyball team all live. On to Little Rock where an older brother of a childhood friend teaches. Next would be Houston to finally meet some folks I've been working with for a few years. Then New Orleans to look up an old work mate who *I think* still lives there. And there is New Orleans itself, because from what I understand god could not have had a hand in Katrina because the French Quarter is still there.

At this point ... Shit! ... I'm almost on the east coast, so I might as well ... Aunt in Orlando, cousin in Charlotte, friends in Philly and/or New York, co-workers in Boston and Nashua, and a long lost twin brother from a parallel universe in Cambride. Since I'm there ... friends in Toronto and London ... and I'd catch all kinds of hell if I didn't visit Detroit, the home town, so there too. Visit the college town, Ann Arbor, and look up a college roomie in Cleveland.

At this point, I would have exhausted all possible reasons to stay away from Mickey, so I would head to Atlanta.

By my count that's 7,479 miles of driving and almost 5 days of pure road. Along the way I've accumulated at minimum 22 days of visiting time. The lodging, expenses and entertainment would at minimum come to $3000. Plus, for this car, around $1300 for gas at today's prices. So the one way cost would be about $4300, never mind the return trip and cost to my job.

Which is still less than the bail payment because ... second problem ... this is not my car.

Oddest Book Titles

Excerpts from the Oddest Book Titles competitions, going back just to 2002. You can't make this stuff up.

If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs
I Was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen
Are Women Human? and Other International Dialogues
Cheese Problems Solved
The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan: Magic Medicine Symbols in Silk, Stone, Wood and Flesh
How Green Were the Nazis? - Nature, Environment and Nation in the Third Reich
Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium
Better Never to Have Been: the Harm of Coming into Existence
People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders - and What to Do About It
Ancient Starch Research
Bullying and Sexual Harassment: A Practical Handbook
Circumcisions by Appointment; A View of Life in and Around Manchester in the Eighteenth Century
Dining Posture in Ancient Rome
Introduction to Adult Swallowing
Knitting with Dog Hair
Living with Sheep
Prophets Facing Backward
Queen Victoria and Ping Pong
Short Walks at Land's End
Soil Nailing: Best Practice Guidance
What Bird Did That?
Bombproof Your Horse
Application of High Tech Squids
Sexual Health at your Fingertips
The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
227 Secrets Your Snake Wants You to Know
The Voodoo Revenge Book: An Anger Management Program You Can Really Stick With
Hot Topics in Urology
Celtic Sex Magic: For Couples, Groups and Solitary Practitioners
Design for Impact: 50 Years of Airline Safety Cards
Living with Crazy Buttocks
After the Orgy: Towards a Politics of Exhaustion
The Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Greater Creative Thinking
First You Take a Leek
Passing Gas
Red-Haired Irishwomen on the Bog
Six-Legged Sex: The Erotic Lives of Bugs
Wigglers, Undulators, and Their Applications
Women and Integrated Pest Management

Avatar mechanics or Hot librarians?

Previously I had posted about the benefits to my profile ticker of using avatars that depict the likes of Tricia, Weegee models, Maya, and the mannequin on Union Street. But wow! I came back to my computer today and I swear there was smoke coming out of it.

Well ... not really ... I wax metaphorically. But it's got to be that snake thing. I never thought how sexy, or appealing, or interesting, a snake drinking beer could be. But then, I didn't realize how interesting going bald could be either, but there was some public touching going on Saturday night that wasn't entirely unappreciated. Never mind. In literary circles, and L.A. screenwriter circles, that is known as a teaser. I'm neither, by the way; literary nor in L.A. But snakes? Drinking beer? Maybe it's just the glaring colors, which were specifically chosen to be ... well, glaring.

Or, maybe it's the fact that I wrote "For a good time, visit people.tribe.net/torroid" on the wall of the women's bathroom on the 5th floor of the San Francisco public library. You should see the 5th floor of the San Francisco public library. Visitors don't get up there much, and the street bums sure don't get up that high within the building. It's all just hot librarians.