It Burns!

They say that when God closes a door, he opens a window, or some crap like that.

I say when the Universe sends you a slap to the face, it sends a salve afterward.

Just trust me on this one.

Sweet Nothings

I dreamt of words last night. They were bright pink and covered in cellophane.

Or maybe they were wearing clear rain slickers. It was stormy at the time.

Large and in Charge

It feels like I just removed five pounds of bad juju off the top of my head.

Who needs ass-kicking shoes?! Right now I could do this naked in my sleep.

I found the sweet spot to spring my escape from that stinky ol' pit of despair, and cut the thread that was holding me there.

Photo by Indigo

Stinkin' Thinkin'

"I've been up all night
I've been making mistakes
I'm hiding it well
but I don't feel great."
-Art Brut

Friday night an ex-boyfriend who is part Cherokee kindly christened me with my Indian name: Mean Like a River. And here I thought it had been Cries Like a River for the past couple months. Sad had somehow become my flash flood, eroding everything else, and it has been pissing me off. I suppose Mean was almost a relief. But not really.

I've been thinking about all the rivers running through me, like a braided stream, braided DNA helixes, and how I'm actually the meanest to myself, polluting my own rivers with toxic thought, or stinkin' thinkin' as Bhagavan Das calls it. My Mean self wants to kick Sad self or bury her because she is an embarrassment. Damn you, Sad - you're holding everything up! And that poor little thing is now puddled in the corner, paralyzing me, because I won't acknowledge she is a very real part of me.

This is my exercise in integration, in shining light on Shadow. I'm sorry Sad. I know all my rivers flow into the One, my Ocean.

This morning when I was hiking I saw that braided stream looking like an extended Inguz rune, a seed, a little bundle of contained energy and DNA to go, ready to grow and thrive in the right fertile soil.

You know the joke

What did the Burners say once the drugs ran out?
This music sucks!

I went to my first psytrance party sober last night.

I'm happy to report that I danced very hard and I didn't fall down once.

Help, I'm Alive

...my heart keeps beating like a hammer...
-Metric

It turns out that when I'm stone cold sober I'm actually pretty fucking funny. I drink, however, because nobody else is.
-Treesong

Is life about to get less funny because I'm laying off the saucy sauce? I'm hoping it actually means I'll stop assing everything up and then bathing in my cold pool of self-loathing for weeks afterward. That part isn't very funny. Besides, my Guardian Angel is way overdue for a break.

I would like to think of this quest for sobriety more like waking up, and feeling and tasting and loving everything in its brilliant vibrancy. I want to feel that animating life force surging through me, whole and aware and joyous. I'm actually excited about it, like the anticipation of climbing a mountain and reaching the top and having a breathtaking view of the world.

Wish me luck.



Image: Nature Dryad by McGrath

Why "Super Cuts" is a misnomer

Zane gazed upon my visage in horror.

It's minimal solace that hair grows back. Slowly.

I suppose it could be worse. It can always be worse.

*_*

You may be asking yourself, but what does any of this have to do with your becoming a Medicine Woman, or spreading healing light to the World? Again, I direct you to The Bangs of Many Delights.

Crazy Sexy Beer Belly

My mother has leukemia. Don’t worry – it gets better. The story, not the leukemia.

It seems I come from folk with a history of overzealous white blood cells, but I would like to think of my recent physical ailments as my body’s way of showing empathy for my mother and mimicking her malaise instead of me being a total hypochondriac.

Nevertheless, I found myself visiting a new doctor yesterday. I spent 20 minutes completing the medical history forms, never really expecting anyone to actually read them.

Q: Have you had a sudden unexplained change in weight?
A: Sudden – yes, unexplained – no. Please see amount of alcohol consumed, described above.

Much to my surprise my new doctor actually read through all my confessions as I sat there watching on, nervously fidgeting.

“You know, you would lose that weight if you just cut your alcohol consumption in half.” She was referring to my recently acquired seven pounds of belly fat.

“Are you sure it isn’t somehow related to my hormones, you know, less estrogen, more belly…somethin’ somethin’...maybe menopause…”

“Are you still having periods?”

“Um, yeah…”

“Maybe you should try light beer.” She smiled.

I would have preferred a diagnosis of leukemia. Oh shut up! I’m not serious.

I’ll report back when they have confirmed I’m actually healthy as a horse and still destined for Greatness. They can tell that from a blood test, right?

And don’t worry about my mom too much – she may not currently be healthy as a horse, but she is stubborn as a mule and I have high expectations she will continue to kick for a while. Her attitude towards life has changed, doing things perhaps she wouldn’t have done before, now that she is working under a potentially tighter deadline.

I’m trying to take a lesson from it and remember to truly live Now, beer belly and all.



Image: Therese Brown

I am Tempted by a Brilliant Light

You are searching the world for treasure
but the real treasure is yourself.
If you are tempted by bread
you will find only bread.
What you seek for
you become.

-Rumi