It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
Ken went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked Ken. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said Ken. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. Ken said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex- wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I need a double dose." The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects." On Monday, Ken dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" Ken said, "No one showed up".
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed." A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice ....... "shit i missed ! "
A guy goes into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey, after downing that one orders another, and another, and other. The puzzled bartender ask him "What are you celebrating?" "I just had my first blow job" The bartender says "Congratulations, heres one on me!" The guy downs that one and says "Thanks! This sure takes the taste out of my mouth!"
Good Day, I hope my email meets you well. I am in need of your assistance. My name is Capt. Zongo Savimbi,I am in the Engineering military unit here in Luanda Angola,we have about $28 Million US dollars that we have moved to Lome Togo during the war,now we want to move it out of that country. My partners and I need a good partner someone we can trust. It is legal money. But we are moving it through diplomatic means, to send it to any country of your choice directly or a bank of your choice using diplomatic courier service.The most important thing is that can we trust you? Once the funds get to you, you take your 30% out and keep our own 70%. Your own part of this deal is to find a safe place where the funds can be sent to. Our own part is sending it to you. If you are interested i will furnish you with more details. But the whole process is simple and we must keep a low profile at all times. Waiting for your urgent response. Regards, Capt. Zongo Savimbi email@example.com forward save delete
I sense that novel of my dreams is in the Remington SL3 - although it writes much faster than I can spell. This baby (the Remington SL3 typewriter) speaks electric Shakespeare at the slightest provocation and will rap out a page and a half if you just look at it hard. There is a similarity between juggling and composing on the typewriter. The trick is, when you spill something, make it look like a part of the act. Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. Her surname resembled a line from an optometrist's examination chart. Society had a crime problem. It hired cops to attack crime. Now society has a cop problem. Hawaii made the mouth of her soul water. They'd be no threat to me. I have a black belt in Haiku. And a black vest in the cleaners. "I'll bet I'm as old as you are." "I'm older than Sanskrit." "Well, I was waitress as the Last Supper." "I'm so old I remember when McDonald's had only sold a hundred burgers." "You win." There are essential and inessential insanities. The latter are solar in character, the former are linked to the moon. Sharks are the criminals of the sea. Dolphins are the outlaws. She lunched on papaya poo poo or mango mu mu or some other fruity foo foo bursting with overripe tropican vowels. There are two kinds of people in this world : those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better. He looked at her with that kind of painted-on seriousness that comedians shift into when they get their chance to play Hamlet. The man and woman firmly shook hands. The solution to the overpopulation problem might rest in such handshakes. A better world has gotta start somewhere. Why not with you and me? If you're honest, you sooner or later have to confront your values. Then you're forced to separate what is right from what is merely legal. This puts you metaphysically on the run. America is full of metaphysical outlaws. They snuggled closer, and when they were as close as they could get without being behind one another, they commenced to kiss again. This stuff's so fine Julius Caesar called for it with his dying breath. 'A toot, Brutus,' is what he said. Something has got to hold it together. I'm saying my prayers to Elmer, the Greek god of glue. "I'll follow him to the ends of the earth," she sobbed. Yes, darling. But the earth doesn't have any ends. Columbus fixed that. A rabbi's dog could score pork chops in the streets of Tel Aviv easier than Bernard could acquire tequila in King County Jail. She tried out the chamber pot, although she really had nothing to contribute. Any half-awake materialist well knows - that which you hold holds you. The first time that she spread her legs for him it had been like opening her jaws for the dentist. Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense. I'll never write another novel on an electric typewriter. I'd rather use a sharp stick and a little pile of dogshit. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
Cleaning you monitor screen Have your noticed that your computer monitor, after a few years of use is not as clear as it was when new? Well, that's because electrostatic charges cause micro-etching on the interior surface of the glass which can degrade the picture quality. As a result you end up straining your vision and visual acuity can suffer... BUT... GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks to MICROSOFT this process is REVERSIBLE thanks to a brand new JUST INTRODUCED PROGRAM that "cleans" the inside of the screen!!!!!! The process takes LESS THAN 30 SECONDS, and the difference is IMMEDIATELY NOTICEABLE!!!!! Just Scroll down and let this program do the work. NOW YOUR SCREEN IS CLEAN ~!
1. So how many horses were in the picture? 2. What color were they? 3. How many of their tails were showing? 4. What was the color of their bridles? If you got all four answers right you are a woman.
Tue, September 5, 2006 - 5:52 PM permalink
Subject: Five Surgeons Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on. The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
NOW FOR A FEW JOKES; Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: A. All the DNA is the same. B. There are no dental records. <><><><><><> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. <><><><><><> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." <><><><><><> A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!" <><><><><><> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, " the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." <><><><><><> A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." <><><><><><> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
"True Friendship" (With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!) Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath.....I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask"because you are my friend" Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me....I don't want to hear it!!!) And remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!!
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. Looking back over the years That we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? I've always wanted to have Someone to hold, Someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia) Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! When we were together, You always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? Y our friends and I wanted to do Something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. S o your daughter's a hooker, And it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender. 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) An Hourglss is Female, bec ause over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
The story is told of an elderly woman who decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex watch." "But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy Looking for the jewelry."
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE 1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it "Housework." 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN. 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?" 6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly...... 7. Feel better? Works for me!
Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking when the first man turns to the other one and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing. The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!" "No, it's true," said the! first man, "let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.! "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!" "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly pass! es the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...his body hits the sidewalk wi th a loud "splat." Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
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Wed, August 2, 2006 - 11:28 PM permalink
I'm happy to say this will be my last e-mail. Things have been a bit tough lately and life is getting shorter and shorter every day, and I want to take time and smell the roses. So, I am going to quit e-mailing jokes and travel full time with a biker gang to see the country and enjoy life while I still can. Don't worry about me - they all seem like really nice people. It has been nice emailing you!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, a photo of the gang is above....
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, >>>> > "You >>>> > have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for >>>> > the >>>> > asking." >>>> > >>>> > The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a >>> farm >>>> > and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to >>>> > sleep on." >>>> > >>>> > God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. >>>> > >>>> > A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all >>>> > went >>> to >>>> > Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer >>>> > that >>> He >>>> > made to the cat. >>>> > >>>> > The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, >>>> > dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little >>>> > roller skates, we would not have to run again." >>>> > >>>> > God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller >>>> > skates. >>>> > >>>> > About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her >>>> > sound >>>> > asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, >>>> > "Is >>>> > everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" >>>> > >>>> > The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in >>>> > my >>>> > life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you >>>> > have >>>> > been sending over are delicious!"
Sally runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend," gushes Sally, "He was working on the engine Of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!" "My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?" "No thank goodness," sniffs Sally, "but it was the one right next To it!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older He was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being Referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a Doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that It will require castration. You have a very rare condition which Causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to Relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to Live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but Decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital following the surgery, he felt like he Was missing an important part of himself. Just the same, as he Walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different Person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I Need: A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .Size 44 Tall." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," the salesman replied. Joe tried on the suit. It Fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman Asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and . . .16-and-a-half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the Collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .9-and-a- Half . . .wide. Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked Comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . .7 and 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when The salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see . . .Size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "No. You can't wear a size 34. "It Would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and Give you one hell of a headache." _________________________________________________
Rainbow that set the sky on fire In a breathtaking blaze of glory, Nature puts on one of its most spectacular sky shows. Reds, oranges, blues and greens create a flaming rainbow that stretches above the clouds. But this circum horizon arc, as it is known, owes more to ice than fire. It occurs when sunlight passes through ice crystals in high cirrus clouds. It is one of 15 types of ice halos formed only when the most specific of factors dovetail precisely together. This blanket of fire, covering hundreds of square miles, is the rarest phenomenon of them all. It was spotted in the US on the Washington-Idaho border around midday last Saturday. Dr Jonathan Fox, of the US National Weather Service in Spokane, Washington, said: 'It was even more spectacular than the Northern Lights. I feel lucky to have seen it because it only forms in very rare situations. This is the first one I've ever seen. It was a breathtaking sight and it hung around for about an hour.' To create a rainbow of fire, clouds must be at least 20,000ft high and the ice crystals within them align horizontally instead of their usual vertical position. The sun also needs to be at least 58 degrees above the horizon. Then, the magic can begin.
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.............. --------- A man was sitting on a beach. Tragically, through a recent car accident, he had lost both his arms and legs. During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each felt very sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man smiled and said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man beamed and said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow eyes lit up and said "No". She said "You will be when the tide comes in."
originally published at My Blog
FISHING IN MEXICO! (blog entry) Welcome to spring break in Mazatlan. From "Senor' Frogs" , on foot to the Marina El Cid. Four miles from the "Golden Zone" to the marina. My watch, read three, boat leaves at five. Good morning Mazatlan! The sunrise glowing red with the anti... read more
This charming man (blog entry) This night has opened my eyes, you kicked and cried like a bullied child; a grown man of twenty-five. She said, she'd cure your ills', but she didn't and she never will. Please save your life, because you've only got one.
Certainty and Limits of Doubt! (blog entry) Message details:
Certainty and Limits of Doubt
It is now several years since I first became aware how many false opinions I had from my childhood been admitting as true, and how doubtful was everything I have subsequently based on them. Accord... read more
Gravity of Social Responsibility
Welcome to spring break in Mazatlan. From "Senor' Frogs" , on foot to the Marina El Cid. Four miles from the "Golden Zone" to the marina. My watch, read three, boat leaves at five. Good morning Mazatlan! The sunrise glowing red with the antipicitation of my first twenty-five mile trip out to the pacific. I was number 1 out of 4. My biggest dream and my worst outcome of, what for most would be a dream vacation, my number just came up. I caught fish all day, nothing like this. Our boat had the only green flag raised that day. I just happend to be number 4 and the last fish.Sat, March 25, 2006 - 5:39 PM permalink - 0 comments
Look past what you see. Vandall ropin' the wind? It is beyond my imagination. Only a good horse and a kind rope. You just gotta feel the love.Sat, March 25, 2006 - 5:30 PM permalink - 0 comments
This night has opened my eyes, you kicked and cried like a bullied child; a grown man of twenty-five. She said, she'd cure your ills', but she didn't and she never will. Please save your life, because you've only got one.Thu, February 16, 2006 - 11:22 PM permalink - 0 comments
Message details:Thu, February 16, 2006 - 10:41 PM permalink - 0 comments
Certainty and Limits of Doubt
It is now several years since I first became aware how many false opinions I had from my childhood been admitting as true, and how doubtful was everything I have subsequently based on them. Accordingly I have ever since been convinced that if I am to establish anything firm and lasting in the sciences, I must once for all, and by a deliberate effort, rid myself of all those opionions to which I have hitherto given credence, starting entirely anew, and building from the foundation up. But as this enterprise was evidently one of great magnitude, I waited until I had attained an age so mature that I could no longer expect that I should at any later date better able to exceute my design. This is what has made me delay so long; and I should now be failing in my duty, where I continue consuming in deliberation such time for action as still remains to me.
to remind me of what the gift was.Sun, February 12, 2006 - 12:25 AM permalink - 0 comments