Country Struggles to Put Crack Back in Crackistan

(Ed: This story was written by the war corrispondent at Crack-Aid 2005)

By Les Words (aka Eric Smillie)
World Association of Correspondents

CRACKISTAN The sexy sensation of Crackistan's recent independence has come to feel more and more like heavy-grain sandpaper rubbed roughly on naked flesh. Political turmoil, economic collapse and health crises have rocked the fledgling nation in recent months, pushing it to the brink of chaos.

Crackistan, which is located within the city of San Francisco, has seen hard times since its secession from the United States last year. The separation was bloodless and of no interest whatsoever to the majority of the American people. Today, the pitiful nation is struggling to bring its plight to the world's attention.

To attract relief to salve Crackistan's many ailments, international aid agencies held the Crack-Aid event on November 19. At the top of their list of problems afflicting the benighted nation's citizenry, the agencies listed an epidemic of alcoholism and drug use. Presumably in an effort to mitigate the damaging affects of nation-wide withdrawal due to lack of intoxicating substances, the agencies requested "aid packages," "'medicine'" and shipments of alcohol.

For many, Crack-Aid was the first sign of hope in months. On the day of the event, youths swatted on the ground just past the Crackistan border crossing and begged pathetically for crack. "We have no crack and I'm twitching," said Aempire, a Crackistani, who added that he did not know how long he had been without a fix. "There's a drought," he explained, "much like potato famine in Ireland but without crack instead."

Crackhouses for Humanity has made the most concerted response to the Crackistan crisis. On the day of Crack-Aid, the relief agency unveiled the first home in its program to provide a crack house to every Crackistani. "Crackistan is in dire need," explained Nifer, one of the program's directors.

Some dubbed the building "the house that crack built."

Crackistani officials reacted unexpectedly to Crackhouses for Humanity's program. The relief agency had barely unveiled its flagship crack house when the government condemned it.

"As soon as we put it up it was condemned," Nifer acknowledged. She said she blamed the country's bureaucrats and its complicated political situation. The Crackistan housing program is the first and only project Crackhouses for Humanity has ever organized.

Average citizens had differing reactions to Crackhouses for Humanity's relief program. Some happily set up camp in the building shortly after it was condemned. Others were not so pleased. "We are angry. We need crack, not housing! We have houses!" exclaimed Aempire on the country's border.

The stress of the aid event also seemed to upset the country's delicate political balance. A splinter faction deposed Crackistan's ruler, General Kevin Klemmick, only to reinstate him later.

Details on what went on behind the scenes have not been forthcoming. "It's a long, involved story," said Moofly Foof, a Crackistani woman.

"He's an OK guy but enough telling us we're not working," explained Cat, a Crackistani.

When reached for comment, General Klemmick was visibly shaken. "I'm really fucked up right now," he said and then added, "The country is doing just fine right now. My country is doing just fine right now."

General Klemmick took over the country in a coup not long after its independence, changing its original name of Cracklandia to Crackistan, and established himself as dictator.

The aid free-for-all also revealed a darker side of the country as arms dealers openly peddled brand-name weaponry. Thought he refused to be quoted, one dealer said he was counting on a breakdown in diplomatic relations with the neighboring Bernalslovakia.

UN weapons inspector Hans Blitzed made a surprise visit to the country and said that Crackistan has the warning signs of a brewing conflict. "Contrary to UN regulations they are stockpiling dangerous substances," he said.

According to Blitzed, the country has an arsenal of dangerous materials including a colorless gas that affects the nervous system, toxic liquids and other chemical weapons.

According to Joseph Hren, a Crackistani man, the country is proud of its arsenal. "It's a young country - only two years old, but it has a great arsenal of stupidity and weapons of mass dumb," he said. "Compared to George Bush Crackistan is a cesspool of dumb! We have assburgers."

These allegations fly in the face of the country's original call for help. If true, they also mark a vast chasm between the "haves" and the "have-nots" among the citizenry.

To help solve the country's economic woes, entrepreneur John Flanagan said he planned to start an online mail-away bride program, crackistanbrides.com. "The chicks of Crackistan have a high reputation," he explained conspiratorially.

The country is facing an outbreak of SARS and Avian Flu. There is a high incidence of Rickets due to vitamin D deficiencies caused by nocturnal sleep schedules.

According to Dr. West, an American who earned a license to practice medicine in Crackistan after what he called a "brutal" three-hour test, the health problems in Crackistan are overwhelming. He said that most of the treatment he provides is of the "take two of these and call back in an hour" variety.

Crackistanis Jailbait and Piper said they worried because everything in Crackistan is radioactive. "If you're here too long you get cancer," explained Piper. She added that being in the country was "kind of like jail camp."

When asked what they thought of their country, their answer was immediate: "it's awesome!"

Spirits were high - very high - as a result of Crack-Aid. However, it is clear that the country has a long way to go before it achieves stability.

Leaving Crackistan, the beggars were still squatted by the dark border post, crying, "Please send crack!" to those heading back to the United States. Some Crackistanis, it seems, are still in desperate need.