I am in my last year of my undergrad, and my mind is swimming with all the crap I need to do. Appointments, meetings, applications, internships, grad school...I feel like all this stuff is so heavy it's making me go catatonic. It's like it will never go away, and the weight of it will be with me forever.

I guess this is the fear part of college. Can I get through this semester? Can I get my internship where I want to, or will I be scrambling at the last second and miss the deadline? WillI get into grad school, or has this all been for shit? Honestly, I am in the exercise science department for many reasons, but not for the reasons most people are there. I don't work out, so being surrounded by athletes doesn't really do it for me. Don't get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for anyone who does what they do, but it's just not MY thing. My thing is massage and bellydance. Those two aspects of my life led me here. I loved massotherapy school and love massage, which really set the ball rolling for me. I also love bellydance, and am on my own mission for it to be seen as an exercise and therapy rather than some weird pasttime or hoochy koochy dance. I am learning how to make it a real workout AND how to quantify it as such. I firmly believe that the moves in bellydance can treat body pain rather than cause it, and I am learning how to let other people know. Maybe that's why I'm here.

Mainly, I'm in my field because it makes sense to me if I want to go to physical therapy school. I've wanted it for so long, and for almost ten years, it was just something I wanted to do but didn't pursue for whatever reason - money, time, self doubt, fear of failure/success/growing up, whatever. And now I'm racked with doubt. Add severe burnout and a very unpleasant year ahead of me, and you have the reason I'm writing this.

I guess this all stems from some conversations I was involved with today. Students talking about the application processes for grad school, and all the crap I have to do just to be considered. Then I heard they will be having double the applicants at the time I will be applying. The school only takes 20 students, and over 40 will be applying. I'm a good student, but am I good enough? A bunch of the people applying with me are straight A students who seem to be much sharper and focused than I am. I am good, but not THAT good. What happens to me if I don't get accepted? Then I'm stuck with a degree I can't really do anything with that would pay the bills, and the last four years of my life are expensive and worthless, and the future is bleak, and I will end up exactly where I am right now.

I know this is a normal feeling, and that it will pass. But for right now, it's here with a vengeance. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep on truckin', keep my nose to the grindstone, and remember all the other cheesy cliches that will help get me through this. That and a lot of bitching. I find it quite therapeutic.