My birthday journal....

I turned 35 on July 5th. Looking back to my last one makes me realize even more that I am in a much better place.

It started on the 3rd...the last of work before the holiday. They decorated my cube, got a couple cards and "Happy Birthday's" all day. On the 4th I celebrated with my kids since they were going to be with their dad for the next week. My daughter put together a photo album of a bunch of pictures I had in sleeves...and it was accompanied by a homemade card....my favorite kind. I made a Vanilla-Almond Peach cake with fresh peach icing. Very good!

Later that night I opened more gifts at Ken's...since his daughter couldn't wait a minute longer to see me open them...hehe. She even made me a strawberry with vanilla icing cake....YUM! I received golf shoes, and a glove. Both will hopefully help me in my new found hobby. Fireworks later that night at the lake.

Next day...my actual birthday...Ken and I went to breakfast with my dad. Then off for 18 holes at a local golf course. My second time on a course but was consistent with my first score. 1st was 117...2nd was 118. (Be nice Christopher....I'm only a beginner). Then later that night...a lake side get-together with Ken's friends, a stroll around the lake on the pontoon boat, and more fireworks.

And to wrap up the birthday weekend....Sunday we went tiger muskee fishing in the morning....didn't even get a bite! It was still great to be out in the the middle of the lake where nothing can touch you....so serene and of another world. Then lunch with my mom.

My sister rounded out the gift-giving on Monday...a very cute outfit.

I'm quite curious to see what my 36th year on this planet holds for me. My life gets more interesting with each passing year.

The Dating Persona Test

The Maid of Honor
Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLM)
The Maid of Honor

Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience, you are The Maid of Honor.

Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch"--and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.

We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...so you can respect yourself.

Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.

Always avoid: The False Messiah (DBLM), The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The Vapor Trail (RBLM), The Bachelor (DGSM)

Consider: The Gentleman (DGLM), someone just like you.

Here....try it!
www.okcupid.com/online.dat...ersona.test

mmmm....TOASTY

My town now has a Quiznos....and let me tell you....the Turkey Bacon Guacamole on white is AWESOME!!

Bleed It Out - Linkin Park

I LOVE THIS SONG!!

www.youtube.com/watch

Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line

Throw 'em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind

Filthy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose

String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose

Truth is you can stop and stare
Bled myself out and no one cares

Dug the trench out laid down there
With a shovel up out of reach somewhere

Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out
[End Chorus]

Go stop the show
Choppy words and a sloppy flow

Shotgun opera lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go

Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse

Candy paint on his brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works

Fuck this hurts, I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try

Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied

So why try ignoring him
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out

I've opened up these scars
I'll make you face this

I've pulled myself so far
I'll make you, face, this, now!!!!

Have you ever wondered who you are really talking to....

I'm in an unique position I suppose.

Have you ever met someone online or even in the real world...get to know them extremely well (or so you thought)....then live with them....and find out the person who you thought you knew turns out to be somebody else...who, well let's just say...somebody you don't really care for and can't get rid of them fast enough. Then later, sit back and witness that person turn back into the same person whom you once knew. I find it rather unsettling....knowing what I do. Experiencing what I have.

It's like a lion in sheep's clothes to me.

I know what this person is capable of and how much hurt they can inflict....and yet I sit back and do nothing....say nothing.

Those who cry loudest about changing themselves are too busy talking to actually do it. Words are cheap. Actions are the ultimate speaker of change.

We learn to manipulate when we are 5....some realize it doesn't feel good to do it....others become experts. Those experts manipulate themselves into thinking they really aren't doing anything wrong...that is if they are not proud of their manipulating abilities...and I know some who are....and have admitted so.

So here I sit...again...watching....this time though, I'm not falling for it.

Happy Birthday to my brother...Chris

I wish nothing but happiness for my brother on his birthday. And Chris...you better get around coming over to my house soon...tossing back a Bud Light is sounding pretty good right about now!

Story of my life.......

Fighter by Christina A.

After all you put me through
You'd think Id despise you
But in the end I want to thank you
Because you made me that much stronger

When i, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess i, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
cause Ive had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wanna know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohhhh, ohh-yeah ah uhhhuh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that wont work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, its over
cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You-wont-stop-me

I am a fighter and i
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
Ive had enough

cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

JEWEL "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland"

It's four in the afternoon
I'm on a flight leaving L.A.
Trying to think about my life
My youth scattered along the highway

Hotel rooms and headlights
I've made a living with a song
Guitar as my companion
Wanting desperately to belong

Fame is filled with spoiled children
We grow fat on fantasy
I guess that's why I'm leaving
I crave reality

[Chorus 1:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
What's been missing in my life

[Verse 2:]
I'm embarrassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
But I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
But you did not

Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
It can even turn monsters into
Angels from above

You forged my love just like a weapon
And you turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
You opened up my eyes

[Chorus 2:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind searching
what was missing in my life

[Bridge:]
Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
And Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told

[Verse 3:]
Ohh truth is stranger than fiction
This is my chance to get it right
And life is much better without all of those pretty lies

[Chorus 3:]
Ohh So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
And you can keep your yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
These are not tears in my eyes
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
I found what's missing in my life

AFFIRMATION FOR THE DAY: I am not what I feel!

Wow! I can not tell you how much this rings true with me. Events of late make me realize I have feelings that I don't want to part of my life yet I can not just make them go away. Ingrained from upbringing, society, experience?...I don't know. How do you just tell your brain to SHUT UP!...and become the person you really want to be? It's an overwhelming journey I must face...but where to start? I don't expect anybody to answer this blog...just wanted to throw my thoughts out to the universe....cause I'm outta answers.

Borrowed from another Tribe...

Affirmation for the day:

I am sexy and worthy of love.

(Added 11-11-05)
Affirmation for the day:

I breathe in wholeness and breathe out everything that prevents me from feeling it.