hopelessness and ego

*I find tribe.net painfully clumsy. I included a LiveJournal module ... it hasn't updated since early December. And here I am stripping the HTML out of a well-formatted post, because tribe.net uses a system that would have been stupid-lame in 1998. All in all, tribe.net is an insult to the users. It pisses me off. Always. Everytime. They don't deserve to make money.*

I've been thinking more and more on how it's almost impossible to connect with people who are ego-centered materialists. It's straight-up borg shit.

A post by a LiveJournal friend included something that got me keyboarding: "at times i wonder if my lack of anger at people's stupidity is laziness, or acceptance."

Interesting synchronicity
I was thinking about how years ago there really was an alternative to live in a communal situation. I mean, of various sorts. And now, there really isn't. Not realistically ... practically.
I was trying to grapple through to the root of that.
Got tangled, as usual, with the usual "the world is becoming Matrix" and "folk are becoming allergic to others, suffering their presence only in the spirit of commercial or ego-centered transaction".

"it's easier to expend energy on tearing people down rather than facing challenges yourself, or hell, having the courage to believe in yourself." resonates.
Thing about a narcissistic life-style (which can arise as a given, almost by accident of history) is that it doesn't recommend any solution or alternative. It is not, except in a deep Zen sense, self-exploding. Quite the opposite: self-involvement increases alienation which supports a world-view that's based on a sense of entitlement, where others become opportunity for exploitation.

In a deep sense catastrophe really does offer a moment of opportunity ... I'm not the only one to note that real spirit work isn't likely to be taken up by someone who isn't feeling a deep compelling need ... but that opportunity isn't immediately obvious. "The gateless gate" ... you can't even approach it because it isn't visible, but when you see the reality of it you quite possibly find that you've already crossed through, if only by having tripped on fallen on your face.

Is why I keep punching out warnings that consummer-life is BluePill ... because it operates that way: if I construct a materialistic lifestyle, the more I invest of myself in it, the more I forgo for it, the more it monopolizes my consciousness, the more it feels vaguely heroic and principled and virtuous to persist in it.

"if my lack of anger at people's stupidity is laziness, or acceptance."
Good question. Truly.
It might be a sort of sloth. Could well be. In basic Zen training I got a real good handle on "the builder of the house of ego" ... we're brilliant at explicating things in a way that flatter our self-image.
It might be a sort of hopelessness ... no point going through the wall of flame if one is convinced that there's nothing on the other side.

I fall back on self-interest: if I don't respond then I become increasingly deadened, and opportunities to respond don't rise to front of mind, so I become increasingly deadened, and I feel compelled less often.
Not that I'm saying that those compelling moments are virtuous ... more than likely with me that they're 9 parts frustration and 1 part disgust at others' blithe destruction of themselves and their surround ... but they're still the raw stuff of vigour, of energetic creativity, and those are foundational to loving-kindness.

So: keep the home fires burning!

*Sings: "This little light o'mine ... I'm gonna let it shine!"*

I'm missing you ..

.... and I really mean that.
But I don't just mean "I miss you", I mean "I've been missing you".

See ... I'm finding my voice in other places. I came here to find my tribe, to find my voice. It's been sometimes good, and you know I've made connections here, but ... this place is too often just a pain in the butt. And that's not good. That salts my wounds.
FaceBook works far better ... I dunno ... kinda cold for me. (And I'm an aulde-dawg techie!)

LiveJournal ... hfx-ben.livejournal.com ... it just works better.

But hey, fact of it is: I'm finding my voice. A 23 year writer's block!
So that's a good thing, yaa? *beam*

But I'm finding it elsewhere.
And I miss you.

Happy New Year?

*X-posted from vibewise.wordpress.com*

Behind my talk of "sophistry" and "plausible deniability" is the primordiality of what cab be only called and what must be called "evil".

At this stage I talk about Matrix and BluePill, not vampires and such-like antique imagery. My reason for shifting is simple and single: through my previous work on psychopathy (see my "Fallen Angels" [1], dating from 1996; I recommend "Without Conscience" [2] [now at google books!], by UBC's Dr. Robert Hare, and M. Scott Peck's "People of the Lie" [3] [Amazon]) I confirmed an early anticipation: focusing on the pathology is likely to have one en-thralled. (I say "likely" because it's evidently not inevitable, for e.g. Eric Fromm, so many fine books; academically I suggest "Anatomy of Human Destructiveness" [4] [Amazon])

So ... in the midst of marketing bottled water while neo-liberals monopolize water rights ... while we're still clear-cutting ... while species and ancient languages are dying off ... while the water rises ... I rant against "yuppies' kidz". An, elsewhere, I caution that karma is inexorable.

But just now heh ... the (omnipresent) ad-link in my gmail quizzed, "You think you're liberal?" ... and this is what it pointed at (BTW: neo-conservatives are paradigmatically judgmental and punitive):

----

Greed - www.g-r-e-e-d.com/GREED.htm

We are a punitive society. We use the death penalty and routinely issue long prison terms for drug offenses. Three-strike policies can mean a life sentence for a petty crime. We make a lot of moral talk about pedophilia, drug use, teen pregnancy and welfare dependency. But nobody talks about the epidemic of cheating.

David Callahan, in his book The Cheating Culture, says everybody’s doing it: job applicants, brokers, golfers, reporters, taxpayers, lawyers, insurance payers, employees, athletes, salesmen, students. A cheating culture has emerged.

Cheating has always occurred, but Callahan traces a marked increase since 1970s. He says it’s connected to the free market ethic. It jumped after President Reagan was elected ..."

----

BTW: Scott Peck wrote another book, this one related on another vector. In "Death of Civility" he talks about those who see every social exchange in terms of commercial transaction ... those who are en-thralled, but not by evil ... those who eat BluePill out of bowls every day.

[1] bentrem.sycks.net/fallen_angels.html
[2] books.google.ca/books
[3] www.amazon.com/People-Lie.../0684848597
[4] www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Hu.../080501604X

Too simple to understand (a thought in the moment)

*x-posted from <a href="hfx-ben.livejournal.com">my LJ</a>*

It comes down to this: not only <i>what</i> we do, but <i><b>how</b> we do it</i>. Ultimately, "why" becomes the point. (Which is another way of saying that in the end our actual motive manifests ... it comes to be ... it creates karma.)

The number of "errancy modes" is beyond estimation. Either our motive is some variation of "for the good of all sentient beings" or it's in error. Necessarily. Inexorably. Like physics. You can fly, for a while, in any number of ways, but you will come down at some point.

Gain, or resentment ... passion or aggression ... both entail solidifying concepts, and that puts a spin on things that works out badly because it's out of synch with ?what? ... heh ... the ultimate nature of reality.

If I humble myself and act as a modestly self-interested drone then, well, I end up empowering and enabling the worst oligarch. My web of denial and willful ignorance fosters the worst lies and shelters the worst psychopaths. If, otherwise, I act more assertively and drive for my own fortune and wealth with all the creativity that ambition gives rise to ... well, what then?

<i>Prajna</i> is our very natural intuition concerning what's not "right" ... it can be honed and tuned and nurtured, or it can be muted and dumbed down. When I act deceptively, or act as though unaware of some deception, I detune myself. And more: I encourage others to become as though objects. And in the end my activity obstructs those with the best of intentions. Step by step, day in and day out, I make myself into an agent of entropy. How can I expect any sense of well-being from that? That mode of being is simply unwholesome; it creates conditions quite opposite to "profound relaxation".

It's <i>bodhicitta</i> or it's dis-ease ... there is no way of escaping reality.
<blockquote><blockquote> Do not choose a coward's explanation
That hides behind the cause and the effect.
-- Leonard Cohen</blockquote><font size="-2">*thanks to <a href="barrygraham.livejournal.com/&quo...JUser BarryGraham"</a> for the quote*</font></blockquote>

A day ... yes, definitely a day.

*HeyYa, Ganika! Here's a sacred tortoise pic for you!*

I got in touch with Kevin, the fellow who co-ordinates the Edmonton Drummer Meetup ... made a page up from a newspaper story about him and the local scene: bentrem.sycks.net/kevin/
Found some Invitations sitting since Sep06!! OMG!

*Waves at Ganika and the kidz in Godizus*

Wrote a longish item in the very newly formed WorldDrumNet tribe (see below) ...
... know what? Not everything in the world is sweetness and love. Phenomenal world is never other than brilliantly glorious, but the light and love delusion, well, that just plays us as suckers.

Thinking that way got me to post something in my LJ:
hfx-ben.livejournal.com/801716.html

And I posted a few pics, including this new avatar. *points at avatar*

Sooo, like that.

_{*}__

KC:

====

Rhythm of life
In the drum circle,
your inner beat finds its voice,
bringing therapeutic release and sheer joy

... that kinda says it. Sorta kinda.

Drum spirit ... the way of the drum ... it's something to be lived, not just taken off the shelf once a month the way folk and their once a week on Sundays wind-up "god".

Something I wrote kev earlier today ...

The way I figure it, drum circle is about following the vibe ... "the Tao" some DIY Buddhists would call it, ever so clever with the wuhrdz.

I can relax and connect ... hearing/feeling the strands others are putting out.
Or I can use them like stuff, to cue my own vibe.

When I hear/feel others' strands, tune in, I have the option of contributing, nurturing, cooperating ...

When I just cue my own stuff, just clue into my own vibe, I usually find myself wishing hoping pulling others to come along with me.

... collaborating and nurturing others strands, I find myself playing stuff I wudda never played if I had taken off on my own.

See, it really is like Indra's net ... t's a go around / come around sorta cosmos ... like fractals with their dynamical balance, feed-back/feed-forward ... biological ...

I find that people stop it from going around ...
... so it doesn't come around, and I lose.

It's in my interest to have heart-rhythm felt by everyone, everywhere, all the time, everyplace.
It's in my interest to have drum-spirit and circle-attitude daily, mundane, like baked bread.

It's in all our interests that folk get with it.

Some talk about Tao ...
... some watch their breats, and bob their heads to the rhythm of life itself.


luv ya
WillowBear

In a crunch, without a phone ...

... writing offline, thinking through what I'd say to my most reliable friend if I could get in touch with him.

==============================

How ya doin' fella?!

I was just looking at my situation ... I managed to find 10 days housing right quick and have a good 1bdrm lined up for the end of the month ... but things are looking dire short term.

What came to mind was how a while back you said something like "Oh, Ben, you won't end up on the street". It sounded a little too neat to me and now I'm wondering if you in fact had something in mind.

Cuz fact is I'm running out of resources ... just that, resources. Everyone /sez/ it comes down to positive attitude but here I am with plenty of that (such a glorious Milarepa Day we had yesterday! and such a glorious day it is today!) but I don't see how that is going to pan out. In fact it comes to things like space and transportation and funds and communications, and I have no phone, about $100 money for incidentals (if that), and I've used up most of the driving friends I have. And space, boy ... one friend just moved into a bachelor out of his gramma's house, and another friend just had a friend come into town ... those were two prospects I had been kind of holding in reserve. I've already stayed at 3 homes ...

Know what? This is the toughest spot I've been in ... I've been saying it's a slippery slope, and here I am desperately close to the cliff.

I hope you get this ... even a sit-down coffee would be a comfort ... I'll try to hook up with you by payphone.

cya
ben

--
See clearly.
Know what is.
Act with confidence.

==============================

What to do? Simple: stay positive, supplicate to stay connected with the local deities, and huh huh huh keep in mind that clinging to apparent phenomenon is merely "unborn <i>dharmakaya</i>". (I picked that one up just yesterday. *font color="purple"><b>grin</b></font>*

A long tale of woe

The most recent post from my http://hfx_ben.livejournal.com LiveJournal:

===============================

How nasty are "nice" yuppies?

I just got email from the woman, my cousin, who owns this house. Because last night I was "under the influence and hectoring" she has ordered me out of the house by this weekend.

Last night I celebrated Tibetan New Year by reading my text of Gesar of Ling ... I had two shots of rum over the coarse of the evening ... at midnight I sang the Shambhala Anthem under my breath then went out in the backyard and played it on my recorder ... quietly.

That, from the woman who scolded me for putting a stack of newspapers into the newspaper rack beside the couch (she wanted them left out ... they were 2 feet away from the coffee table they'd been sitting on) is unacceptable behaviour.

Bourgeois yuppies are insane ... they're dangerous.

And I'm homeless. Again.

shit, ehh?

IMNSHO there is no greater sin than undercutting someone's self-esteem.

<i>Addend'uh</i>: Vitriol? Bombast? What I'm saying is that we ignore little things 'cause they're little, and we suffer big things 'cause they're too big to resist. Bottom line: our denials and aversions and deceptions set us up to be victimized and manipulated.


===============================

Previously, also from http://hfx_ben.livejournal.com

====

It looks like I am actually a fundamentalist ... sorta

Fundamental: actions and events have their effect even when folk think they can sweep them under the carpet or use words to distort them.

The alienation I've felt all my life has a real basis: I cannot trust the people around me nor rely on their affection because they are dedicated to the fictions they have constructed. They feel uneasy with me because I am not loyal to those fictions. Because I place my trust in actuality and truth ("glorious phenomenal world") I am seen by them as a traitor, as disloyal and dangerous ... in the end, as an enemy.

None of this is new to me but I've never understood it as well as I do now. The woman who so kindly allowed me to move in here ignored all the good I've done , with her son and with the hosue (When she left he was spending all his time out with his crack-head friends or in his cellar room, keeping a vampire's schedule but now he's got a decent tech job with Dell. And I'm no neat freak but the house is clean ... it's sensibly tidy, rathter than the cluttered mess I came into when she went on her long voyage.) ... she has to mock and belittle me because what I've done I've managed to do by calling a spade a spade ... and that frightens her, it antagonises her. She has not faced up to things in the past (either making them less than they were or blowing them out of proportion) and she doesn't face things now (saying that it's not worth making a fuss about little things, and that there's no point to making things into a big deal).

But bottom line: I was unable to bottle it up. (I /should/ be able to digest the shit, I /should/ be able to work through things ... but I'm tired, harassed, worn, poor, aching ... and I didn't manage to digest it /all/.) and when I lost my temper a lot of stuff came out at once ... too much. So I could be pointed at and declared "not nice".

So the shit and abuse he hands out so routinely, that's ok. (He fried steak in sauce on Tuesday ... it's Sunday ... the frypan is sitting on the stove /still/.) Her sleazy cheap-shot put downs ... that's ok. But my refusing to live in a situation of walking on egg shells, always on thin ice, daily life in a mine-field ... nope ... that's not ok.

So I'm better off in a couple of ways: I've basically confirmed and verified my "fundamental beliefs". And I see even more clearly how folk deserve solidarity and sympathy and compassion. And I see how I'm not hooked on resentment and revenge.

But I'm facing homelessness and poverty.

Wow ...

<hr width="65%">
Update ... a funny detail: since she got back from her long voyage the kitchen table has been more or less covered with various things ... week-old phone messages, mail, brochures, newspapers. I brought it up a few days back, saying how I didn't feel comfortable messing with other people's stuff. In a deniably snotty voice she answered something like, "Well, if it's like that then I guess I'll have to do housekeeping everyday." Nothing about considering other people, nothing about not leaving things dragging, nothing like that at all ... just a bulshit cheap-shot.

Just now I went down to the kitchen to get a cuppa and Lo! Behold! The space at the head of the table where I had once upon a time enjoyed my breakfast in the morning sun was cleared ... clean. She had had her breakfast there, but when she left she left it uncluttered. What's the dynamic? a) she's made a gesture to acknowledge that I wasn't full of shit, or b) she's being better than good in order to show I had no complaint. Hard to know, ehh?

t.net? Unresponsive

I write about Katriina, I write poetry, I write about the mind-phuck we call "modernism", I write about community (and lack of) ... silence.

Yaa yaa yaa, "too busy" ... I know ... I watch people ... I know people from every generation ... I know university professors and street people and musicians and construction workers ... "too busy" yaa yaa yaa.

A real handy set of excuses, that's what "modernism" is about ... excuses and distractions.

And you're the "cultural creatives" ... spooky, nae?

p.s. met 2 or 3 really sterling individuals at the band's premiere last night ... and the 3 or 4 regulars at the drum-circle are /totally/ sterling ... and there were a couple of really sterling individuals at the late-night camp-fire jam last night ... good folk are out there ... in an ocean of superficial glib bla-blah. Truly: everything we need is at hand, except communications. What happened in New Orleans is paradigmatic of that.

7 days to homelessness

BTW I've been working 10, 12, 14 hours a day on the "Katrina / NOLA Intel Wiki":
wiki.nola-intel.org/index.php

And also maintaining my own list of contacts and resources:
hfx-ben.livejournal.com/587881.html

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I had the good fortune of meeting a kindred spirit yesterday evening ... the lack of such has made my year here a real desert.

He's a father of 4 (18 years he and his wife have been together) ... a musician / home studio stype who has suppoarted them and himself doing construction. His whole life has been around community and alternatives to consummer capitalism.

The single big difference between him and I is that he has suffered the indignities far more stoically ... partly, no doubt, becauee he has family to maintain ... partly, for sure, because he has had the benefit of a supportive partner.

His experience with those who are in "positions of responsibility and influence" has been, like mine, scaldingly unpleasant.

He agreed with me that (I call it "vending machine culture") folk don't respond unless they are manipulated, or conned, or seduced, or bought off ... unless their buttons are pushed.

I made myself vulnerable ... I put myself on the line ... again and again.

I guess that makes me a sucker.

7 days and counting ... because I dared to try a) by buying the djembe, to try and create income by busking, and b) by buying PC after PC, to try and create income through "Participatory Delibeeration" ... because I dared to try rather than sit back and accumulate cash and ignore what's going on. I dare to create opportunites for collaboration ... and that marks me as deserving abuse, in vending machine culture.

7 days and counting ... because the really villainous are active and energetic and creative, while the "nice" and the "good" are passive.

"It's an ill wind that blows no good" ... has anyone you know benefitted from authentic human kindness recently? All I see is folk waiting to be pushed and conned and seduced and begged ... a very sad state of affairs.

================

In context of yesterday evenings long talk about community (the "transformative power of empathy and solidarity, of affection and love) I listened to an interview with a school cook ... he was getting kidz to eat really good food; he discribed his technique and it was just plain manipulative ... deceptive and misleading. Ok fine, all for a good cause, but not lucid and cleat and honest and authentic, not discourse ... far from it: straight up it was like benevolent dictatorship. Soooo, even the good needs to have a con involved? No wonder my life has been a catastrophy: I have vowed not to encourage attitudes of subjugation ... so I must lose. Such a catastrophe.

lame ... lame, lame, lame

t.net's refresh on my New Orleans resource list has been /worthless/.
www.livejournal.com/users/hf...7881.html

I stay up all night, and t.net doesn't even refresh the RSS feed I produce.

Lame

Wiki:
wiki.nola-intel.org/index.php/Main_Page

*shakes head*

New Orleans / Katrina - forums and resources

hfx-ben.livejournal.com/587881.html