I felt like I was calling out into the void yesterday, and I didn't expect anyone to respond. It was so great to hear from people and to get encouragement. Thank you all my friends.

I have good days and bad days since Gerard died, and yesterday was one of the bad days. On the bad days all my old demons rise again and I get spun around. I was chatting with a friend and I realized that I just need to calm the fuck down. It would be stupid to make any major decisions now, or for a while. So I just need to take it off the table.

So what, I don't know where I want my life to go from here, so I don't know what kind of lifestyle I want, or what I want my role to be. So what? I don't need to know those things right now. Right now I just need to ride the bad days and stay connected to friends. That's the only way I'll get through this.

This is a picture of Gerard a few years back at Yule.