my going-away party...

hi everyone, as you may know I am departing this area at the end of July... if interested, email me and I will tell you more info about my going-away party on Friday... my friends are so sweet to host a party for me. It will probably be pretty mellow, with some tasty snacks and stuff...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

what's it all for....
?

*listening to a beautiful song with those lyrics* so perfect for my state of mind right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


:x

don't really know what else to say here, there is so much going on... I will be in Reno, Nevada soon. I am very excited about the prospect of travel and seeing new worlds, expanding my mind and abilities...

moving, packing, thinking, fearing, and diving in

SO much going on in my own cute little human-life right now.

Moving in 2 weeks. Wow... a shocking thought. It still hasn't hit me yet. Survival instincts kicking in. My body/mind knows that I shouldn't think about it till later... else I'll be freakin.

Last night was fun, danced a LOTTT. I came to a realization though, I've been drinking way too much the past few weeks at the club, and otherwise. I'm going to cut back. I think it's due to stress and the desire to just have a good time, but I have been using so many "numbing" things such as drinking alcohol and coffee, eating unhealthful foods, and numbing my brain with non-creative non-stimulating activities like watching television.

Today however was a great start to a new way of being. Made sure to drink water, worked out at the gym, didn't drink or watch tv. I am going to try to keep this up...

I got a storage unit yesterday in Campbell. Chase, his sister and I went in together on it so that it was affordable for all of us.(that is why it's so far away from me, because they will be accessing it more than me since I'll be out of the area). The storage place itself is pretty cool, it's very Road Warrior-esque... it's like old semi truck trailers stacked together on a dusty gravel lot... haha, perfect...

My kitties are adorable and growing already. Cecil (the boy) is really growing fast... he is such a sweetie. Lucca (the girl) is soooo cute and sweet too! Getting to know them is so much fun. The only problem is at night, Lucca will snuggle up right next to my face with her face and paw my cheeks and stuff and it seriously wakes me up. LOL! Then, to make matters worse, Cecil still has the instinct to nurse, so he nurses on Lucca. It is sooo funny, he follows her everywhere on the bed when it's sleepytime. She'll paw my face and he's like suckling on her. I have had to close the door at night to get some sleep! They are very active and careen around the house, up the bed, wrestling each other, two little balls of fur and claws.

I don't know yet where I'll be living, exactly... I think I'll be able to stay with my dad in a loft in the back of his shop, for a while until I find an apartment.

My knees are shaky with uncertainty, I feel as if my spirit is leading me somewhere and I'm not sure where yet, or why or how! I have to just trust it.

I'll be starting a new life, a new beginning... with the ultimate goal of finding true happiness, satisfaction and love and life and truth.

I am no longer the 'coastal creature' I once was... I am transforming... I will be more nomadic now...

Life is endlessly amazing, is it not??

I want to hike and see new places and meet people from small towns and breathe in different sights and smells and sounds....

My dear friends Miiica, Shadow, and Deveni are hosting a going-away party for me, I think it will be on the 25th of July, over in the East Bay. There will be a tasty dinner, and I'm told it's a beautiful home... please come if you feel inclined to! I will give you more info later...

this is a long one...

I have so many things to say I don't know where to begin.

I will start by describing my current feelings. I am feeling like crap this morning. I woke up from an absolutely horrifying nightmare at 2am last night. It was probably THE most terrifying nightmare I've ever had. At least one of the most terrifying... It involved moving... and my father's rage... and being trapped and unable to scream. It was horrible... I woke up and my heart was pounding and the house was completely quiet... I just sat there in bed awaiting imminent disaster. I am realizing now, of course, that it was a symbolic dream... reflecting my fears about moving and being close to my father. It isn't a physical fear, as the dream so aptly conveyed... it's the emotional closeness I am afraid of.

...To think that sometimes I wonder why I am emotionally distant. My childhood, I would say, was good, in general, in the sense that I loved growing up in the redwood forest. I loved looking at tadpoles, blue jays, bark, twigs and playing with my little brother. Parents and social life...another story. I was a very observant, highly sensitive child who kept completely to herself. I had the most joy when alone, because I didn't have to worry about the perplexing mystery of how to interact with others. I didn't feel prepared to cope with the reactions and words and actions of other kids or people. It just frightened me. I have never felt safe sharing my feelings. It began with parents, continued on to other relatives, friends, loves and even strangers. Though I feel most comfortable sharing with strangers most of the time. I think it's that feeling that I don't have to BE anyone or say anything in particular, I don't have to worry since a stranger can simply come, listen, talk, share, and then go.

I am moving to Reno, Nevada at the beginning of August. I am super excited about it, I feel like this is a great, first step in a new direction of my life. My life's goal is to travel the world and see all that I can see. I have spent the past week or two mulling over the possibilities and realize this is what I need. This is The Next Step. Why Reno, you ask? (People ask me this). My father and stepmother live there, along with my best friend and her boyfriend. My main reason stimulating me to move is the desire for change. To see something new. My secondary reason is financial. I have come to the realization that I no longer wish to pay every cent I scrape together on rent. I seriously don't even know how I've been surviving this long in my current home. It's magic to me. Lol. (I guess that's a sign I should be keeping better track of my income and bills. heh). It is greatly due to the generosity of others. I thank each and every individual who has helped me during this time, trying to cling for dear life onto my lovely little beach studio in Pacifica.

It's just not working for me anymore. I can feel it. I feel the "spiritual tension" of my soul craving to move, to mobilize and journey. I am growing faster than this area can hold me. I dream of plains, of expansive horizons and new experiences.

The decision has been a hard one... seeing as I do have my dearest love here, and other loved ones, friends, and memories here and back in Santa Cruz. I would be sadder if I didn't think I'd be visiting though...

As some of you may know I love the coast, but I have never been a huge fan of downtowns and cities. It's very overwhelming to me to think back on the fact that I finished school at FIDM, a fashion school right in the heart of downtown SF! I hardly ever think back on school. I feel like I am a future-tense person rather than past. I try to move on from the past as quickly as I can. Both ways aren't so great as living in the NOW. I am reading a great book called The Power of Now. It is so good. We really need to live in, and enjoy the moment---the process rather than the outcome. There is no outcome, there is only now. Let's cherish it...

Sorry for the sporadic entry. Well, not really sorry. But my thoughts are everywhere!

I am at once eager to leave and at the same time very, very sad to leave my old home and loved ones.

I will be looking ahead to the future. I will still be here online. Life will be a lot different over there. My most major plans while there include saving money, ROAD TRIPS, photography, hiking, hanging out with friends and family, soaking in the feelings and energies.

A cool thing is that my dad offered I could stay in his workshop for a while until I figured out what to do next. This would be a great money-saving opportunity and I am kind of excited about that! I have always loved Dad's workshop and he has an awesome little loft space in the back of the shop!! How cool would it be to live in an industrial area (fairly safe place too) where I can use all of Dad's art supplies and hang out, with rent for only a couple hundred dollars for a while? I know I need my privacy and might get sick of that quickly. But hey, I haven't lived with Dad for a while and it might be a great time to sort of get to know each other again.

Oh, and let me know if you know of anything (that I'd like) going on in Reno! I'm going to try my best to find some kind of interesting nightlife or culture, at least somewhere I can dance. Though nothing there will compare to Deathguild, upstairs, after midnight ;)

Will miss the Bay Area. But it's only 4 hours away...

cleansing the home space / thoughts of moving resurfacing

how do you cleanse your home? I feel bogged down by my worldly possessions. I hate owning things. I would like it much more if someone came to my house and picked up all my stuff except the basics. I'm thinking of gathering much of my stuff and getting rid of it.

~

ugh I feel so crappy today. I wonder if it has anything to do with my bad diet I've had today so far?

I went to the kitten fostering workshop. I was all enthused about it until I got in my car to go home. Then the thoughts poured in. Uncertainty... all I want is a companion. I don't know if I'm emotionally/physically (house wise) prepared to foster. Uggh decisions decisions.

Another thing going on for me is I'm getting the itch to move again. I want to live somewhere cheap, so I can work and be comfortable. I want to drive on road trips and travel.

I feel badly because I have grown to slowly become accustomed to San Francisco. I cannot say that I love it here, but I do appreciate some things about it. I have many acquaintances here...

Very eager to find out more about the rest of the world though. I feel caught up in my own jam.

I went on a hike yesterday, up to the top of a great hill and looked toward the east. I saw the mountains in the distance and thought to myself, "The entire United States is off that way... a huge, big, wide expanse of land and people and places and parks and beauty and roads and experiences..." I want it...

Anyone willing to host me for a few days in another city? I need to get out for a while. I need to move and change and transform. I want to live.

My only question is, where?

...

...

kitty day

today i am going to the spca for a 2 hour workshop on foster kittens... and hopefully pick some up too! I don't know if they are going to give them to me today or not but i hope so.

last night I went to Precompression at 1015. It seemed like a cool venue, but it was super hot. Also not as many people there that I knew. I had fun dancing a bit but it was a little "off" for me. Oh well.

Applied to another freelance graphic design job today. hope to hear back from them soon. I like what I am doing now.

personal life is all crazytown but trying to hold it together/have faith i can make it.

going to try to stop pleasing everyone but i'm scared. one of my worst fears is being rejected or disliked by anyone. i seriously feel like a lightening bolt hits me when i sense someone doesn't like me. i'm tired of that lifestyle... doesn't suit me anymore...

well, off to shower and get ready to go talk about kitties.

wake up...

this song always gets my attention... the beats slide right through my skin as I hear an echoing, authoritative voice chant, "wake up! wake up....wakeup...!"

it calls my soul to awaken.

don't feel like I have a choice anymore in the matter. I know, be patient. I KNOW I am supposed to be patient, but there is a time to wait and there is a time to just fucking DOOOO whatever it is you need to do, to move BEYOND this current phase.

Right now I can't stop thinking of the other world. About the realm in my heart, the place where my spirit belongs! the other world. the place where finally all things are lovely, all breaths are full of awe......~

I race through the woods at cheetah-speed... trees, rocks, bushes, animals all a blur, streaking past them I breathe, fast and hard... dodging rocks and fallen branches I run... my eyes dart around and sense things immediately as they pass... no, before I can even see them they are known. breathing, using every muscle in my body... every cell's clean, strong energy mobilizing my entire
being...

I climb a high tree and look out on the land. The tree gently sways as I near the top. The pine scent of sap arises from my palms. I shield my eyes against the hot summer sun as I survey the mountains and valleys full of rich, dark green treetops and soft, sunny meadows...

this is where I belong.

more later...

day 2 of Reno trip

it's the second day of my trip visiting family in Reno... today I spent time driving around town, hanging out with my lil bro, and my bestest friend Andrea and her bf Eric. I am so happy to have gotten a chance to see everyone! It was good to visit this evening (though now I need to be on my diet EXTRAAA much in the next couple weeks to counteract the carbs I just consumed........ :/ ugh going to regret this in the morning.)

but it's been good. I saw my dad's workshop here in Reno for the first time. I love my dad's workshops that he's had through the years. There is a nostalgic feeling that I love. I love all the paint cans with paint dribbling out the sides... all the piles of bolts, brushes, tools, canvases, and all the other things that make up Dad's shop. I took a bunch of nice photos I will upload when I get back to my home.

I am feeling kind of constricted and tired and funky, being away from my own home. But it is also good to get away for a while and gain perspective. I like driving. I will go on many road trips, hopefully in my very-near future.

I have to get home so I can sew, though. I have been woefully uninspired, however........ :/

Anyhow..hope you are all doing wonderfullllly and enjoyed the long weekend....

day 1 of Reno trip

didn't have time to mention this earlier... I'm on a little road trip for a few days. Visiting my brother in Reno, who is here to visit my dad... and see if he wants to move here. I actually like Reno---I like the surrounding mountains, skies, nature... it feels so different from my coastal home. The drive went by so quickly. Donner summit had snow on the ground. I enjoy the extremity of being on top of a huge mountain. I took photos but probably won't upload them till I get back either Wednesday or Thursday...

tired... I didn't have much time to prepare before I had to leave this morning; so I have very few things with me, and basically just the clothes I have on! I guess I'll stop by some stores to pick up a few things tomorrow.

The house here is a little crowded... 6 people here right now. Me, my brother, my dad, my stepmom, and two of their friends from Australia. It's noisy and I don't have a lot of space to chill and relax, I feel. My brother has a girlfriend who he talks to on the phone at night. Reminds me of my early days of fresh youthful romances. The obsessive kind, where you call each other all the time and talk for hours about nothing in particular...

aww...

I was going to sleep out in the RV they have here but I think the weather's a bit chilly... so they set me up on the fold-out bed in the living room. Guess I'll go to bed soon.

Feeling very uneasy lately. Stressed, sad, uncertain, questioning so many things. I just have this sense of uneasiness a lot of the time. Hopefully I'll burst through it soon... on to the next level.

Looking forward to being back home, but also to traveling more. I really love road trips. I love the roads... the scenery.. it makes me feel so connected to others; thinking about how all roads are like connections between people. Just get on it and follow to wherever you want to go. Then get out of the car and explore... what an interesting age we live in.

G'night...