Someday, hopefully soon, I'm going to get over myself and just, like, let go and let it all happen. It's been many a year since I put much energy into making friends online, and it's all somewhat intimidating. And I'm not really talking about the prospect of meeting someone and falling in love, although that sort of looms in the background somewhere.

The people I find interesting here and on MySpace just seem so cool, creative, intelligent, and confident and while I'm all that and more (on a good day...perhaps most days) I'm just so fearful about being 'rejected' that I rarely even risk reaching out to people. Just as in 'real life' I tend to wait until people approach me, and then I think it's OK to reach back. It's slightly insane because I know that there is truth to the saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained" and that I'm denying myself a galaxy of possibilities because I let my fear get the better of me. So I hope that crawling out of my hermit crab existence a little bit--even though being 'exposed' here is still pretty safe, will help me build some confidence to 'venture' more, and not get all hung up on the 'gain' part of the equation.

As I write this I have one friend here, and she was cool (or naive) enough to approach me. She was really sweet about it too. Later I learned she was rather beautiful and fascinating and so I got all psychically tongue tied, so I'm pretty much enjoying her implied reality, along with some of her cool friends, standing behind a hedge somewhere. And over on MySpace it's kind of the same thing in that I got a bit intoxicated by a sister sannyasin from Down Under, and I think my enchantment could prove annoying for her if I don't manage to keep it in check. Yet--I wonder, 'why the fuck should I?' Fantasy or 'reality' positive vibes are a groovy thing--and I'm pretty good about respecting people's boundaries once they've bludgeoned me at least once and put them in writing. (Not so good at reading people's minds, however.)

I can mumble with some assurance that if nothing else, my life will be richer encountering the "beautiful people" that I'm attracted to. Already I'm learning about music, books, people, and ideas that I might not otherwise expose myself to in my normal day-to-day, and that's fucking cool, man!

Somewhere bouncing around inside this psyche the current representative "I" manifests, there is a knowingness that we're totally OK just the way we are (me and my other 93 personalities)...the grass only >seems< greener on the other side of the fence.

At some point I'll opine on a subject other than myself, and demonstrate that narcissism is only one of my many myriad talents.