.: musings :.

::: Dancing On The Roof of the World :::

zemaya — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:30:58 GMT

I saw you dancing last night on the roof of your house all alone. I felt your heart longing for the Friend. I saw you whirling beneath the soft bright rose that hung from an invisible stem in the sky. So I began to change into my best clothes in hopes of joining you, even though I live a thousand miles away. And if you had spun like an immaculate sphere just two more times, then bowed again so sweetly to the east, you would have found God and me standing so near and lifting you into our arms. I saw you dancing last night near the roof of this world.

... an act of recognition ...

zemaya — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:13:50 GMT

"Real friendship or love is not manufactured or achieved by an act of will or intention. Friendship is always an act of recognition. . ..in the moment of friendship , two souls suddenly recognize each other . It could be a meeting on the street, or at a party or a lecture, or just a simple, banal introduction, then suddenly there is the flash of recognition and the embers of kinship grow. There is an awakening between you, a sense of ancient knowing." ~ John O'Donohue~

Streakers Love Story...

zemaya — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 23:17:36 GMT

This is actually fucken adorable somehow... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtmdGMPgU7I

..:: my last jelly bean ::..

zemaya — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 09:31:27 GMT

. . . . . . It's been a month - only a month It's been a nice break ... but I see here the holy sharpness of your soul against mine still holds an edge with which to hone my way home to myself Ah! I see what's here, what's left now when, who we were then, falls away, and falls away, and falls away... I miss you. And not in any way that makes the day any darker, but in a way that quickens the pace of my heart and makes this life Golden makes me want to share my last jelly bean with you makes me remember that ain't no one beholdin' to anything other than Bliss.

...to have succeeded...

zemaya — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:17:07 GMT

"To laugh often, and love much.To bring respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty in all things; to find the best in others; to give of ones self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; this is to have succeeded!" ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Woh, crazy weird forest circles!!

zemaya — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:14:00 GMT

http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/tech/science/forest-rings.html

The Oracle Hafiz for Thursday June 26th, 2008

zemaya — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 06:49:13 GMT

Meditating on a recent heavy heart, my beloved Teacher Hafiz offered up to me this poem: ~The Silk Mandala ~ by Hafiz The Spider and the lizard Grabbed hold of each other's mouth Because of Love. The details Of their affections Most would not like to Hear, Though I watched for a while, As God might, Their holy dance Spinning From one thread that hung From the silk Mandala. I watched until they fell, As our own bodies someday will, Panting Like a great falling Star.

So How's Life?

zemaya — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 03:03:31 GMT

I just had a nap and as I was falling asleep there was this dream entity, this male trickster, and some one asked him that annoying question of "How are you doing right now? / How's life?" He responded, sorta with this wry, knowing smile, "Well, I've never been happier! - and that is to say - I've never struggled so much in my entire life!" He then smiled as if to signal he was to offer no more assistance to the fumbling of that polite social nicety than the simple and paradoxical truth.

Poetry is....

zemaya — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:15:54 GMT

.... Contagious.... . . . Blue throat chakra shock-released third eye-mind green heart revived time lied, slows pulse grows tongue-tied false dies, becomes Si-lence burns what's inside seeks all I hide deep I confide, share now inside out doubt plagues my mind, binds my mouth Teeth bite. She fights, seeks Sovereign Life. I die to older ways Choose. I'm afraid of you, me, this child will be born of wild passions, shorn of all words but one Love expands, past my grasp explodes, shudders fast now, my body loose can't remain bound, with words contained Watch out! I am irreverent today, and I will speak Truth . . . .

Hitler Plans Burning Man

zemaya — Tue, 27 May 2008 21:36:30 GMT

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CV4i7dWeu0c

..:: The Postal System of Unbounded Consciousness ::..

zemaya — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:50:02 GMT

Oh dearie dearie me... I'm a sweet silly little song bird and nothing can stop it I'm afraid. My heart is heavy today... sad and heavy - but open. And thats kinda new, to be still open. Wide Open and expansive.... Like when your body is so tired that when you first lie down against a beautifully soft blanket, it feels so good it almost hurts, its almost too much... that's sorta the feeling... This expansiveness. I feel as if I'm stretching out and unfolding, opening, releasing onto the soft blanket of my sadness, which stretches off quietly and endlessly into the dark in every direction. But it feels good, too. I'm present with it. Almost like she and I are communing, understanding each other and being with each other... Its soooo very quiet here. When I feel into it... I have the impulse to put my finger to my lips and whisper shhhhhhh.... I think I want to whisper that to my mind to my thoughts.... shhhhhhh, shhhhh.... it's okay... no need to speak or think or figure anything out... here there's just quiet, softness and saddness. And thats okay. I had some powerful dreams last night. And then just now I did some dream work with them, embodying each character in my dream and running stream-of-consciousness with what they were thinking and feeling, seeing the dream through their eyes. It was incredible. I've only ever seen it done before or heard about it, but I'd yet to try it for myself. What came out amazed me - I don't think I've ever done that before.. channeled one of my dream characters like that. It was amazingly easy actually... where did all that information come from??? I had no idea all that was inside me somehow, inside my dream... like so much mail delivered to my being but left unopened for a long time because I couldn't conceive of the miracle of the postal system of unbounded consciousness. So strange that as I channeled the dream characters, I never questioned whether the real people they represented feel or think this way, it wasn't about that at all, this was the true and real feelings of those in my dream, I knew them as if I knew my own thoughts and feelings - it was effortless to know them and see them flowing. Afterwards... now that is... I feel much calmer, and not as sad. I AM a bruised and bandaged Ninja, but incredibly strong with a huge green beating heart that wants to expand outward so much that I have to hold onto it with my hand, keeping it to me, loving myself first. I had a really really really fucking lovely time with an old, dear friend yesterday. It was fun and easy, even better than old times. We're different now. It's potential is from a deeper well now and I can sit more comfortably by his side knowing the depths of my own well are there and they're beautiful, and I'm beautiful.. I do know these things well and deeply. We're driving south on the 101 passing LOVR and the beautiful expanse of the still undeveloped field of Dalidio Ranch. Laughing, he's teasing me saying he knows all my hidden secrets - that none are hidden from him. I'm laughing right back insisting I have a few stowed away deep and unknowable to all... but also my heart is light and elating at the closeness I'm feeling with him, that even in a soft tease he's letting me know he knows more than we're ready yet to laugh about together. I am witness to my mind reeling and fluttering about searching for what could be meant by certain comments, references... But really all this efforting is just my mind wanting to close the wide-open vulnerability I'm feeling in this moment. My heart being up for dissection, I struggle for a second to stay present with that space... to not move to close down or seek out "information" to fortify myself with. After all, this is what I finally know with certainty that I want - to be able to just be myself, naked and motionless... to be able to just BE and maybe even open still further.... toward love, toward vulnerability, toward myself... inward, downward, outward, upward... and I know I'm Learning because I laugh and blush and let my heart race and I don't ask any more questions.

Even a neurophysicist can find nirvana...

zemaya — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 05:53:51 GMT

Holee shit x10. This video is 18 minutes long, so get comfy... its worth it. http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/229 "Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had an opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: One morning, she realized she was having a massive stroke. As it happened -- as she felt her brain functions slip away one by one, speech, movement, understanding -- she studied and remembered every moment. This is a powerful story about how our brains define us and connect us to the world and to one another." Wow, I really found this woman's story amazing. And the genuineness of spirit she related it with was so beautiful. I've experienced such similar states (thankfully not from having a stroke), but while experiencing more of your "true nature" and your "more expanded and present self" is a gift and unspeakably essential to living a real and fulfilled life, these experiences can often leave us begging the question of how to bring together our two very divergent beings to live in the world. This woman's story I feel definitely lends some insight into struggles that are very present in my life right now...

Lost Generation

zemaya — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 05:17:40 GMT

Last week AARP showed the winning video submissions in a contest for 20 year olds called 'You @ 50'. This video actually won second place, but when they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck and broke into spontaneous applause. Very simple and yet very creatively delivered & elegant message, amazing that a 20 year old made it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA

DMT Documentary coming out

zemaya — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 02:31:58 GMT

A new film coming out... DMT: The Spirit Molecule based on research by Rick Strassman and modern insights into this endogenous compound. Looks to be quite interesting... http://www.thespiritmolecule.com/

..Dawn..

zemaya — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:30:29 GMT

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you The old way only wants to buy and sell you Fight to stay awake Chose the path you take Even if you don't know where it's going Trust your own unknowing don't go back to sleep ~ Jan Garrett

the well within

zemaya — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:05:24 GMT

Those who will not slip beneath the still surface on the well of grief turning downward through its black water to the place we cannot breathe will never know the source from which we drink, the secret water, cold and clear, nor find in the darkness glimmering the small round coins thrown by those who wished for something else. ~ David Whyte

some simple sooth

zemaya — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 23:47:20 GMT

"My love for you is MY business; it has nothing to do with you. You love me, and that isn't personal. You tell the story that I am this, or I am that, and you either fall in love or not with your story. What do I have to do with it? I am here for your perception, as if I had a choice. I am your story, no more and no less. You have never met me. Personalities don't love; they want something. Love doesn't seek anything. It's already complete. It doesn't want, doesn't need, has no shoulds (not even for the person's own good). So when I hear people say that they love someone and want to be loved in return, I know they're not talking about love. They're talking about something else. When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result. Manipulation is separation, and separation is painful. Another person can love you totally in that moment and you'd have no way of realizing it. If you act from fear, there's no way you can receive love, because you're trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people. When a thought hurts, that's the signal that it isn't true. The only possibility of being understood by someone else is to understand yourself. It's a full-time job. So if you inquire within and come to see that what is, is what you want, it's the end of any decisions about him. At that point you don't have to make any decision. There's no decision to torture him into understanding you. He continues to show you that his understanding is not your business." ~Byron Katie

...:: Let Go ::...

zemaya — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 03:40:15 GMT

Whatever's stopping you from meeting my eyes it kills silently, kills softly... plunges death into our hearts, calm like an assassin naked next to you in bed killing while cradling, holding you still, with one last eyes-closed kiss holding you still... holding you, still. holdingyou Still Holding You. Please Let Go. Whatever's stopping you from meeting my eyes Creature inside, see what you've done is this what you wanted- this lifelessness? Whatever's stopping you from meeting my eyes, hold strong- if you truly want this sweet aliveness gone don't look... for just a moment longer Because naked and motionless next to you I'm still breathing - barely - but breathing, in Love, out Fear... in Love, out Fear... Because naked and motionless next to you, my sweet assassin, who can't meet my eyes, I die to be born again LET ME BE DONE WITH THIS PLACE! Don't look yet for my breath, don't bring me back no matter how my energy PullsYouFloodsYouCursesYouLovesYou... Because naked and motionless next to you is one of the hardest places I've ever been I'm offering up my heart to be eaten but not by you - in Love, out Fear... in Love, without Fear... - by my own dark vultures descending hungry from my skies They feast on the lies of my "I's" vicious, become raptors, the captors of my fleshy fears and wasted years... They will destroy me utterly And not a piece will remain to escape their guts, their chemistry to render me ascendantly They fill their bellies with my sacrifice and take flight, regal at last becoming Mother Eagle... ...and I've been waiting for Her... I've been waiting for Her for so long. My Beloved Executioner, I'm sorry for the pain you live with from this... and other beautiful corpses. And to You, the Creature who resides inside... protecting his Diamond Heart, who's stopping him from meeting my eyes - please let him go, and let us look.

Ball-busting Spirit-Love

zemaya — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 23:39:18 GMT

The ship you are riding on... Look where it is headed Your body's port is the graveyard Realizing the destiny of each clay pot tossed into the sky with no one to catch it, I finally accepted the Beloved's kind offer to enroll in Her sublime, ball-busting course of Spirit-Love. ~Hafiz

Only A Door...

zemaya — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:48:56 GMT

Either you will go through this door or you will not go through. If you go through there is always the risk of remembering your name. Things look at you doubly and you must look back and let them happen. If you do not go through it is possible to live worthily to maintain your attitudes to hold your position to die bravely but much will blind you, much will evade you and what cost who knows? The door itself makes no promises. It is only a door. ~Adrienne Rich

Sing my story, Fi-baby....

zemaya — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 23:11:26 GMT

"Get Gone" ~ fiona How many times do I have to say To get away - get gone Flip your shit past another lass's Humble dwelling You got your game, made your shot, and you got away with a lot, but I'm not turned-on So put away that meat you're selling Cuz I DO know what's good for me- And I've done what I could for you But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting singing again, sing, sing again How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this Am I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out It's time the truth was out that he don't give a Shit about me How many times can it escalate Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe? And I must decide, if you must deride That I'm much obliged to up and go... I'll idealize, then realize that it's no sacrifice, because the price is paid, and There's nothing left to grieve Fucken go- Cuz I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead I'm sitting singing again, singing again, singing again, Sing, sing, sing again How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this Am I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out It's time the truth was out that he don't give a Shit about me

...:: Just Now ::...

zemaya — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 22:53:52 GMT

. . . . . . I felt you - just now... pressing against the edges of my consciousness... Were you thinking of me, or was I thinking of you? It's like a hall of mirrors always has been with you It's 2 am - We shouldn't be groping each other telepathically... What's there left to think about me? What do you think when you think about me? I'm sick of thinking about you. All that's allowed now is how I feel and all I feel is saddness. We're trapped in each other's energy, like an accident on the side of the road as we drive by - we just can't look away... I just can't look away I have to look. Every time. Forever is not enough. I'm savoring this seeming unsavoriness My eyes close as my heart welcomes the weight heavy, like a lover's body on top of me. I feel it in my stomach, too like a rancidity threatening to render me inside out in a pale sweat But the motion is empty I opened and allowed my soul to do it's work with you, with this and now there's nothing left but dry-heaving, and saddness, and my Love for you.

and a happy new year!

zemaya — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 23:19:47 GMT

wow, why is it life for so many of us seems to revolve around that sweet summer's end.. the *burn*... it feels right somehow... summer is a mad rush of over-the-top, spending money I don't have to grab up the sights and sounds and tastes of living... all coming to a head 'round labor day and the push for the playa. It seems like a lunar landing or a everest expedition, an orgasm a year in the making. Then the weary come home with hearts and heads full to the brim and slowly we put our lives back together piece by piece... a little better than before... knowing what's important to us more than ever before... and the season's change comes on us so fast suddenly its fall! It just feels like this time really is the true "new year." It's my new year anyway and it always brings with it change and growth. This summer has been awesome for me... hard at times, but things have been good and getting better and I really feel like I've grown a LOT(that's the key ; > ). ::::Burning Man was amazing:::: pH-Blue Camp's second forage into the wild white yonder... We pimped it up with 800+ square feet of custom shade, full kitchen, meal plan, hot water on-demand shower, greywater, composting toilet and solar power station! As if that weren't enough we villaged with a bunch of our friends and created the most bitchin' camp I have yet participated in. I feel blessed to know each and every one of them and to have shared with them (some their first!) playa dreams. Love-learns-to-live, laurie+*

After 7 looooong years....

zemaya — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 19:39:04 GMT

.... I'm graduated! Hooray! My B.F.A. is "in the mail." Does that mean I'm a grown up now? ; P I feel very blessed to finally have arrived at this crossroads in my life. Roads go off in every direction and theres a mighty many that have beautiful potential... its all so exciting! I finally feel like now I'm allowed to start trying to do something serious with my life. And if I'm being hopelessly optimistic and naive.... don't tell me. : >

R.I.P. my dear sweet puter...

zemaya — Thu, 31 May 2007 01:10:42 GMT

Oh to eulogize one's personal computer... She's been with me through all my early 20's years... through *almost* all of my undergrad degree... but alas... she DIED. Two weeks before the end of my last quarter and we are dead in the water. Well, this is why improvisation is considered a fine skill to hone. Only two weeks left before I am home free! It's time to wake up and smell the fresh clean central coast air. I feel like I will get to finally taste myself again with this transition... Who will I be? that remains to be seen... : >